Addressing needs as a submissive

Addressing needs as a submissive

tictackid​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2025

How to you express and start a conversation with your Dom, that your needs are not being met?
-I don’t want to come off as ungrateful, selfish, or bratty and am confused on how to have that discussion

Parttimeprincess​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2025

This can be so hard. Do you and your partner have a protocol or the ability to discuss things and needs outside of your dynamic? For example, I'm usually little at home with Daddy. If I feel like my needs aren't being addressed it's my responsibility to tell him I need to be big and talk to him. It's his responsibility to respect that I need to communicate. Then we discuss and try and reach a middle ground. For example, maybe I want more time, or more physical help around the house, I have to be able to say something like. I know you are busy with x. I respect that. Can we figure out a way to make me feel like I have more time with you? Or can we figure out a way to have you help me with y?

I hope that helps.

tictackid​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2025

Yes, we can discuss things but I almost must be respectful and not take charge in the conversation or it’s hard for me to speak my mind unfiltered because I always try to be in that submissive role and mindset when I see or talk to Him.

Parttimeprincess​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2025

I mean you can take charge of a conversation and be respectful. It's important to be able to stand up for yourself and realize that stating your needs is respect... It's respecting yourself. And your dominant should be respectful of that need. Yes it can be hard and it can be especially hard for them to hear or handle. I don't know I have any advice there. Lol

SavannahLyn​(sub female)​{~Umbee~} • Mar 14, 2025

It sounds like you need to ask for an Out of Dynamic discussion about your needs.

Do you have a contract? If so, it might be time to re-evaluate and renegotiate it. If you do not, it might be time to look into negotiating one.

24/7 TPE is hard to maintain without at least micro-doses of equality to ensure communication.

Freewriting might help you as well, if you struggle to communicate outside of your submission.

Being able to communicate is super important. i hope things work out well for you! ^.^ Good luck.

tictackid​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2025

Thank you. I am very emotional so free writing definitely helps and then I can revisit it. No contract.

bdsamworld​(sub female)​{collared} • Mar 14, 2025

I'm a people pleaser so the hardest thing for me to do is inconvenience someone else by telling them I have needs and I feel they aren't being met. As a poly person it's amazing the reactions I have received from telling someone "Hey I have this need and I feel like it can be addressed easily, please let me know if it's not." (I may not say it EXACTLY like that but giving general gist). Ive realized a few things there are people who no matter how hard you want them to be a good person and do above the bare minimum.... They just can't. It's not in them. Then there are the people who are surprised when you tell them you have a need and you would like that need met... AND THEY ACTUALLY DO IT!! They meet that need. There are all kinds of situations because people are all different, so these are just two examples of responses.

I say all of this because as a submissive and people pleaser/former doormat I used to think it was the hardest thing and I was the hardest person to love because my needs were beyond basic. I was very wrong. Now this may or may not be your case (not sure what your needs are). I figured out my needs by writing them down and then writing down examples of what that looks like. Because generalizing by saying "I need more communication" does nothing for your partner to understand what you mean. To them that means you need me to talk more, but you talk all day every day.

Now for the discussion with my partner you can phrase however you want but I tell them I'd like to discuss that's bothering me and that I need help working through. When they're ready for the conversation I explain how a need I have needs to be discussed. Then you can explain either how that current need isn't being fulfilled with an example of how you feel it should be met.

Good luck!

Defender​(dom male) • Mar 14, 2025

Doms/Masters are not mind readers.

If they don't know a problem exists, it is a nailed-on certainty that they won't address it.

Personally, if I discovered that a sub had had a problem for a period of time, and NOT told me, that would be worse than a sub broaching the subject and us having a discusion about it.

SoftSoul​(masochist female) • Mar 16, 2025

You have feelings and submission means being strong, keeping your mind and saying how you feel. If something's not right, share it. But it's a two-way street and agreeing on things.If you need to write things out first, say it font of the mirror.
Take some time in the morning to recharge but when your mind is more clear just say you both need to talk its about your feelings. They do need to earn your heart and trust before anything. Bloom into more of your self, don't be afraid to fly,
Spring is only 3 days away. If both just met nothing needs to be written in a contract because it takes four seasons to get to know someone they need to court you and and meet up with you in real life a few times. Truly this is getting to know each other and knowing one owns yet cause they need to meet you in the middle. They need to be emotionally invested before they get hooked. Both have chemistry and on the same page have seen what they look like or even cammed they are willing to cam their whole house to know they are alone. But make sure they are good for your mental health and bring you peace not a headache. Why does getting to know each other take time being friends and connection over time the whole dynamic comes later with the relationship, when it's done slowly. But do what you have to do. But BDSM is not about sex - it's about a bond - a love and trust two people share that the bond grows more in the dynamic as the connection and intimacy grows they both evolve into yin and yang. It's more of an art both the passion that is shared. Getting into the mind and awakening the soul to get to the rest but needs feeling and mind and soul to get it excited.You have desires but save when its the right time date first ya sorta vanilla but just call it courtship then build more in to the lifestyle.

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 17, 2025

Talk to them like you care cause they're ppl too. If they want you around they'll listen