Trust.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2018

I defo agreed with Bunnie, if that Dom was experienced he wont put you in that position or frame of mind.
A mentor is there to guide you safely, and teach not to fall into what exctalety the trap you are into.
Why did you send him pics to him?? what kind of mentor would ask for pics?? Permission for stuff??
I think you need to read blogs and guidances on this site before putting yourself into the hands of mentor or domwannabe. There are a few forum here talking about the do and dont for newbies.
Dont hesitate to ask privately too if oyu feel like talking more specific and personal issues with an Old experience Dom here or the kinksters above as I would trust them to give you some guidance. If they agree of course.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2018

Most cases a dom offers to mentor a sub they are looking to use that to get in their knickers, same with protecting and a fair few also use white knighting, looking for poor troubled damsels in distress as a way into their physical or online knickers.

In my view the only solid type of mentorship that should be entered into is peer to peer, sub to sub, with no emotional or sexual connection, neutral and in the case of a dom, dom to dom. How can a dom mentor a sub re understanding submission, the emotional, physical, spiritual aspects? They can't. I have never been a sub, so while I do have some insights as to what I have observed over the years, conversations etc this information is vicarious and not fitst hand. I have not submitted, so have no way to help a sub understand that process. A switch could I think give a good solid mentorship but a dom alone, in my view no.

I think a lot confuse training with being mentored and they are very different things.

My advice is dont fall for the BS of a dom offering mentorship, there is plenty of good solid info about this in online resources such as on Evie Lupines You Tube channel, submissives Guide online webisite and on submissives guide You Tube channel. Educate yourself to help avoid and recognise predatory tactics, particularly as used on newbies.

Other will disagree of course.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2018

Sounds very much as you have been played by a con man predator with white knighting involved, and not a genuine ethical dominant. I bet I can name the person. Site doesnt allow me to in public but there are a few on this site known for such behaviour. I am sorry your first experiences on here have been bad. Please take the tme to educate yourself and in doing so keep safe.

If you feel the need for some focussed support feel free to chat with my sub Savida, who can offer support, advice and she can also put you in touch with other subs on the site who can help you.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2018

well yes I would disagree, as a mentor is an experienced or veteran in the bdsm world. So why cant he be a Dom aswell? A newbie need to learn form all the aspect of submission and some aswer can only be given by a Dom/Master. A real true One wont abuse of his position. Unless a sub had multiple Dom in her life can only give one experience.
I would say reach as much people as possible, dont stick to 2/3, the more example you get the better is.
It puzzle me that you are against a Dom giving advice but then you are here ? not looking for argument, just logic prevail

Bunnie • Oct 20, 2018

@ FabSeverus, you make a good point, and I have come to realise that I agree. Like dollMaker, I too always said that peer mentoring was best. However, I just realised that I do actually seek advice from both Dom/mes and subs. I’ve realised that I don’t seek advice from someone based on their title, I seek their opinions and advice because I respect who they are as a person, and trust their thoughts and guidance.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2018

Ok first one last. Answering posts on a forum or blog does not mean that I consider myself a mentor, or even an educator. Its me, when appropriate, offering experience based views. My views only and not some sort of universal truth. Readers are free to agree, disagree or go away and have a think about it. If anything I say prompts further research thats a win as far as I am concerned, as one of the most important things anyone can do in regards of their BDSM journey is to educate themself and continue learning. Education will help keep people safe, and that is one of my main motivations for saying anything, in a hope it helps keep someone safe or at the least make them aware of the possible dangers, and think about it. I know that annoys many as they don't want their prey educated. Sorry but I won't shut up. My heartfelt desire is that everyone is safe on their journey, which is why I post, when its appropriate. My motivation.

I am not against anyone giving advice, as such, sharing opinions, and experiences, except those who haven't a clue what they are saying (usually pretty obvious) or those who are seeking to 'gatekeep', offering one true way views that more often than not are a hinderance to an open minded exploration of all this 'lifestyle' can offer.



Actually I would say, and many others in the BDSM world as well say, that for a newbie lots of opinions might end up confussing them rather than helping. When someone is new and knows very little they often will lack the tools for critical thinking and assessing the information been given to them and its value to them. So less might well be more in this case.



Yes a mentor should be a very experienced person, lots of knowledge and someone respected in general, and by the person approaching the possible mentor, note I said that the possible mentee approaches the possible mentor - not the otherway round. I would always be immdeiately suspicious if there is a mentorship approach, particularly if its out of the blue from some randomer.

It is generally felt, not just by me, but my many in the BDSM world that a mentor should be someone who has been on the same journey. How can a dom mentor a sub when they have never been on the journey of submission. Equally how can a sub mentor a dom, for exactly the same reasons. I don't see too many on here advocating that subs should mentor doms. Mentorship should never be sexual, romantic, never involve play, or D/s activity. Mentorship is about aiding personal growth, answering questions and offering support, and all of that can be done without any play. The problem here I think, is many conflate mentorship together with training and training is not the same as mentorship.

If you want to experience things directly go to workshops and dungeon, club demo events, a much safer, semi professional, neutral way to see how something feels, looks is done.

Other than thinking, as do others, that a peer to peer mentorship is best, the other reason I council against dom mentors, particularly online, but not exclusively, is it is very difficult to know who is a decent, ethical, only interested in offering help, nothing more dom. Someone who is looking for nothing for themselves and only to offer advice etc nothing more. These types are rare.

My own view is many doms on online sites are thirsty sharks circling, looking for anyway to get a sub, and that isn't including the non ethical ones looking to pounce on any hapless newbie who might offer them something or be easy prey to be hoodwinked into giving them something. These so called doms (I think many aren't) are desperate and thirsty, for anyway in and will do and say anything to get their claws in, and offering to mentor, train, protect or sweep in like a white knight on horseback to aid the poor damsel is their way of creating that opprtunity to get their claws into fresh naive, ignorrant meat. I know that is harsh but the evidence is out there to support that view. No doubt I will be called out for disrespecting my fellow doms, but I don't offer unqualified respect to anyone just because of a title. I only respect those I know, and know well and trust.

So my advice to subs, to help keep you safe (for no other reason) is if a randomer dom (even one you know a bit) lands in your pm box, bond or in the chat room offering to mentor, train you etc politely say no and if they don't respect that boundary then block them.

This reply is already way too long and there is lots of great advice to fill in more info regarding this here - https://submissiveguide.com/dsrelationships/articles/looking-for-a-mentor and elsewhere on the net.

I say all the above in hope to be helpful, and for no other reason.

Others mileage, views may vary.

Advice

Savida​(other female) • Oct 21, 2018

@Bunnie

I talk to doms all the time—to ask them about what they do or to be friendly and social at events. Mentorship and gathering advice are two entirely different things.

Mentorship, to me, is a relationship. With its own kind of intimacy—someone who is going to guide you has to KNOW you. They can’t have their own goals like playing with you or having sex or grooming you because then they’re thinking about their interests at the end of the day, not yours like a good mentor should. If feelings do happen, the formal mentorship should end.

Someone who is compatible with you sexually, etc, as they get to know you, could run the risk of crossing that line and developing feelings that mean they can’t really have your best interests at heart.

So...mentorship and advice seeking are two entirely different things to me and so I don’t see a conflict there.

Bunnie • Oct 21, 2018

@ Savida, thank you for your input. I appreciate it I understand the distinction you’re making for those who are new, well done, and well caught. Perhaps what I should have clarified is that having had a (Dom) Mentor in the past, which definitely was very helpful (and non-sexual/panties seeking), I have found that over time, as I’ve come to know and trust the opinions of a select few within the community, they have kind of become “unofficial” mentors for me when I’m in a time of needing to seek advice, which I have personally found to be very helpful. Varied opinions and advice from both sides of the “slash” in my opinion are invaluable. Rather than saying how mentoring “should” be done, I’m speaking more from a place of what I have discovered for myself, and felt to share that, so that others can recognise that it’s about finding what works for you.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 21, 2018

Your asking the wrong question.


The question is- do YOU feel it was a breach of trust?
If so , move on.