Advice

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2019

@Patiently waiting(sub female)

Yes, it will be difficult starting over, there is no easy way around that. However, if the spouse finds out about the cheating and issues an ultimatum between you or her, do you honestly believe that it would be you? Secondly, once a cheater, always a cheater. He may never do it again, but you will never be 100٪ sure of that. Please don't fall into the "but I am better than her" trap. Some of the major tenets of a healthy D/s relationship are trust, honesty, communication and consent. He seems to have violated each and every one of them, not with you but his spouse. If he is so cavalier with her, please don't expect that you will be different.

All that having been said, if you continue with this relationship, just know that I doubt it will end well. Be prepared for the worst. If it doesn't happen, well you'll have won the BDSM "lottery."

Patiently waiting​(sub female){WolfeHamme} • Jul 30, 2019

Thank you for clarity! I appreciate it.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Jul 30, 2019

You don't have a Dom you have a married coward who plays Dom
what he failed to teach you is probably the reason you feel like you can't find a real Dom.
Ask yourself if you want to waste another year of your life being the side chick holding up 90% of this arrangement for a coward whom you don't have to deal with more than a few times a month outside of work and can not honestly know how he really is . Or if you want to spend the next year looking for a real Dom who will
Actually be there fully in the same dynamic as you

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Jul 30, 2019

That's a little brutal and harsh, she is asking for help and support. We have all made mistakes in our lives

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 30, 2019

Debz. I completely agree.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2019

Some people just don't subscribe to the "more flies with honey" approach. Some just prefer to be brutally honest and knock 'em down and leave 'em down. But FWIW, I agree way too harsh.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Jul 30, 2019

If you dont like what I write don't read. It's that simple

Patiently waiting​(sub female){WolfeHamme} • Jul 30, 2019

I need brutally honest. I dont beat around the bush in anything I do. Thank you!

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Jul 30, 2019

Then I'm just gonna say this to patiently waiting, you have found someone who is helping you with what you need by the sound of it. I think like me this is your first experience. It does get easier and a lot of subs on here are willing to help. And a lot of doms or dommes offer advice in the forums but dont get involved more than that. I have been helped by some very good subs on here.

Bunnie • Jul 30, 2019

@ Patiently waiting,

The first Dom I met here was married. I knew that. We had been friends for quite some time, and being new and naive I thought it would be harmless to ask him for guidance. He agreed. We were foolish. It was the perfectly cliché example of what everyone fears. I fell for him. That, I was ok with. I never expected or even hoped he would leave his wife... I naively hoped I could become a third in their dynamic (they had been D/s in the past). I somehow convinced myself that maybe she knew about me. Until...

I got a message from her. Needless to say, what one would assume would occur from there, happened. Broken hearts all around. Me left alone to pick up the pieces and try to put myself back together again. Yep... he ditched and ran because he was trying to save his marriage. It took a long time for me to be angry at him. I carried all of it and protected him until the end, trying to save his marriage.

It wasn’t until I experienced a man with integrity that I realised just how much shit that man had just dumped me in to pull myself out of... alone... as a newbie.

I learnt so much with him. He took me places no one could or has since. Somehow he just understood my mind. With the hindsight I see now from the growth I’ve experienced with others I say... so what. I sacrificed values for what I thought was growth. What that experience taught me is that growth without values is hollow and false.

Why am I telling you all this, you may wonder.

Be prepared for this being the possible outcome.

A married person who is here without their partner’s awareness, violates every foundation of bdsm... the first and most important being trust and communication.

I’ve always been mindful to not place the blame solely on him, and take responsibility for my part and actions in hurting people that didn’t deserve to be hurt. I also try not to place my opinion regarding this onto others because I believe we all have our own journey to walk. I simply share my experiences for others to take what they need.

In all honesty, I hope you reach a place of feeling that you deserve more than the current situation... be it with him or with someone else. Good luck