The end

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 18, 2020

shortylotus - The end
"How does one move past the ending of a d/s relationship when you have been betrayed? How do you stop the hate and resentment so you can move forward?"

Time
Real productive grieving
Self-work
Prayer if you pray
music if you sing
writing to them or yourself and then burning the letter.
And you cry. .. lots

Then when you are ready, you take a long look at yourself. You evaluate what warnings you ignored. What obvious things you found suspect (but didn't want to be right about) You consider what questions you should have asked. You consider if you trusted too soon. You look over your past relationships and if they're all the same type of person, then it's you choosing. Not bad luck. Not bad men or women. Not even bad timing.

You do one of the hardest things in the world... you acknowledge that you were a willing participant in what happened. You. And if it is a heartbreaking pattern in your life and you can't seem to stop believing, trusting and being crushed by bad people. Then you consider therapy or mental health counseling to get rid of that old business that is driving you. So that you can be the best of yourself and find the best of partners.

Dr. Phil was right. Simply put, you teach people how to treat you.

Then:

You make a list of "must haves".
Everyone isn't a fit. Love does not conquer all. So think about who you are today and who you want to work to become. And don't accept people who are not on a similar path as you. While must haves can be altered, it really boils down to knowing what you're looking for. And knowing why you want it. Too often we accept whomever shows up. Many women I've know would shop at 6 stores to find the right shoes with the right trim to match the new outfit etc. But accept the random guy who shows up even when he is not right for them.

You make a list of "deal breakers".
These are your stop signs. I don't date smokers or drug users. When I talk to someone or meet someone who is either or both of those things, it's a deal breaker. I stop the talk. Nicely if I can but it stops. We aren't chat buddies, FWB, dinner buddies and we aren't there with each other until someone better comes along. That isn't fair to either of us.

Having these two valuations in place may mean you are alone longer but it also means you suffer less because you don't bring people into your life who can't or won't be what you really want/need.

And if someone admits to betraying others. Or cheating on others. Or using others... whatever... never, never, never assume you possess the magic to change them. THAT is NOT your job. Your job is to nicely walk away.

But most importantly, it means you learn who you are and what your worth is. You don't take on those who don't fit you. You don't trust someone to come along and magically heal the old damage others have caused (through your cooperation)

And then, you try to remember that

you are important,
you matter ,
and you make a difference in this world.

And then, maybe you cry a little more. But it is still progress

(And don't get involved with anyone else until your gut is telling you what person is a good idea and what person is a bad idea. And you can tell the difference.)

Maya Angelou said it best, "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them."

I already know you can do it.
But you need to know it too.

Hang in there.
H*

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Nov 18, 2020

Betrayal?

I'm not completely sure I understand what you mean with this word. If our definitions are the same.

For me, I have three hard limits that I make very clear;

1) Lying.
2) Abandonment.
3) Lashing out to hurt me or someone close to me.

Anything else, I can work with. But, not these three.

Oh, shit happens. People have a bad day. So, I do cut a little slack. Oddly as an American, I've never really been a big fan of baseball. However, I do give three strikes before they are o-u-t.

Each lie is one strike.

Each abandonment (not being there for me when I need them) is one strike.

Lashing out to harm me is an automatic two strikes. Lashing out to harm me through harming someone I care about is an automatic three.

But, despite being very clear about it, countless little subbies have not understood that I very much mean what I say and do what I say I will.

They thought they were smarter than me and that I couldn't possibly catch it when they lied. And they could be right. You see, I don't go looking to try to catch people in lies, but take them at face value. Accept what they say is the truth. Until it is brought to my attention that they lied. Once that first lie is brought to light, however, then I start watching much more carefully. They have lost my trust. I will never again be able to just accept what they say as the truth without examining it very carefully. I will never be able to accept that they are who they say without examining carefully.

They thought that I should be there for them any and every time they were going through so much as a broken nail. But, when I reached out to them, they had to check whatever was happening elsewhere in their life first. And, frankly, I think I'm pretty forgiving. Children and work have to come first. I get that. Sick parents, sure. Sick pets, okay. But, when I am sitting here alone and they just have to go to a combination wake for a goldfish and wine tasting with their Reiki instructor's third cousin... hang the fuck on. If they were never there for me when I needed them to be, placing everything else before me, then were they really mine? Why should I continue making them a priority when I was nothing more than their safety-net?

Lashing out to harm... well, that's a bit more difficult. It becomes a question of intent. Were they trying to harm me with their words and actions? Or did I just happen to be standing in the space they just happened to be flailing through in their little temper fit? The way I've addressed this is that I sat them down and told them in no uncertain terms that they hurt me. If they apologized and were contrite, then I let it go with no strikes. Until the next time they did the exact same thing. If, on the other hand, they continued to lash out, or their "apology" held a sense of I deserved it, or I should be "man enough to take it" then two strikes were levied. (Only one was unwise enough to lash out at me through someone else and was stunned at my response before turning away.)

These are what I consider a betrayal. I don't really know if you consider something else not listed one or not. Perhaps I'm too simplistic. Or, perhaps I'm too harsh since once they hit the third strike, they are someone I once thought I knew.

They fucked someone else?

Well, did they try to lie to me about it? Did they leave me in a time of need to do so? Did they do it for the express purpose of harming me? If all three were no, then I didn't have a problem sticking around and working through it.

They shared something told them in confidence?

Well, did they lie about it? Did they leave me in a time of need to do it? Did they do so for the express purpose of harming me? If all three were no, then I didn't have a problem sticking around and working through it.

Everything for me came back to these three hard limits that I was very, very clear on. That I would not accept tromping on my hard limits any more than they should accept someone, even me, tromping on theirs.

And, yet, countless did so anyway. And were surprised when I wasn't available when they came back. I still run across one every now and then pitching a bitch about how they were left when my experience with them was they were the ones doing the leaving. the lying, the manipulating and game playing.

I don't hate them. I don't resent them. Frankly, they aren't worth that much thought for me since, to my mind, I never really knew them anyway. If I think of them at all, it is with hope that they might find what they need from somewhere. But, not here. This shoppe is closed.

What I've had to watch for is that as I've moved on, I've had to be careful not to overreact when someone twinges a scar they left behind that I didn't see until the new person tripped it. Had to keep it from being added to the list of hard limits. Judging the new person as the same as the one gone just because they present themselves the same way at first, before the lies, abandonment, and lashing out occurred. Anticipating that it will happen because it did happen. Waiting for the shoe to actually fall this time, in this new dance, and keeping my foot right where it is until it is stepped on.

And at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what I do, what I accept, what I don't. What I view as a betrayal and how I handle it.

What does matter is that whichever side of the slash you happen to fall on, you have the ultimate right to determine what you can accept and what you can't, just what you determine is a betrayal. And the ultimate responsibility for your choice of actions and the consequences they bring.

Anyway... may the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Nov 18, 2020

NoOne - Being that I do not believe for a SECOND that you have never lied 3 times in your life, you are already out to me.

Not that I want to categorize you, but I think your HARD limits need work. Maybe it is an okay ask to have someone there for you when you need it, to NEVER lie, or to not bad mouth the people you care about... does that include your mother? I am just curious, because these three things are basic human conditions, it is akin to you saying you do not want a human in your life. 3 strikes your out? These are growing pains that go away when you gain trust... not hard limits. Now if someone lies about something like cheating... is it not cheating that is the hard limit? Hell, I bad mouth my partner at times when he pisses me off, sorry if that is not sub, but it is human.

Just looks like you are setting yourself up to fail with your hard limits. That is just my opinion. How does someone criticize you, if they can't hurt you? How does someone express their discontent with a situation, if they can't tell you how your best friend gives them creepy vibes, or your boss, or your sister if off track in her life? How can someone even just say they are "Fine" when they don't want to argue about any of that. Seems like a very unrelenting circle of "I am going to fuck up regardless" and those are not healthy places to be.

I don't mean to tear into you, I hope you do not see it as such.

Notely • Nov 18, 2020

You truly just have to forgive let go cut the cords so you can move on being with yourself. Earthing/Grounding daily.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 23, 2020

NoOneofConsequence

Your hard limits are these yet you allow three strikes on each?
"1) Lying.
2) Abandonment.
3) Lashing out to hurt me or someone close to me."

And you said this:

"They fucked someone else? Well, did they try to lie to me about it? Did they leave me in a time of need to do so? Did they do it for the express purpose of harming me? If all three were no, then I didn't have a problem sticking around and working through it."
........................

Wow. My hard limits are lying, cheating and toxic behavior, hate speak. You do any of these and we are done. Why? Because they are HARD limits lol Easy Peasy, I don't need a tally board.

And many submissive women consider the term "Subbies" perjorative.
Maybe find partners who think more of themselves than to be called subbie. Could make your tally board unnecessary. Just sayin

I don't consider not being able to be there all the time as abandonment. Unreliable yes, but abandonment is a whole other level.

Re: The end

TragicllyAdult​(dom male) • Nov 23, 2020

Best way I have found.
First, you must accept it.
Then you forgive it.
Let the anger go. (it eats you up)
Then you just move one.

wildbabe • Nov 23, 2020

Sorry Taramafor but that is toxic advice!

If someone hurts you and doesn't give you any closure, you move on. That person ended it and clearly communicated with their action what they meant by that, even if they want to drag you along as "friends", you leave. You do not let yourself be dragged along by someone who hurt you. How will you ever heal from that? Holding on and being present to someone who hurt or used you is not healthy and will not facilitate growth in any way. It will only flatter their ego if they are narcissists or make them label you as a stalker if it's unwanted.

You do not have to explain yourself, you do not have to convince someone to keep you in their life. Their action tells you everything you need to know. If they would talk it out with you and give you closure, that's nice, but they rarely do and you have to find a way to accept that as hard as it is.

Now it's on you to put yourself first. Healing is not a linear thing. There will be a time when you think you are over it and then you feel the pain again. I would say give yourself time, be kind to yourself, do not rush into anything new, talk it out, focus on yourself for a while. I know you don't think it will ever get better but it will pass. It really will!

Sasa​(dom female) • Nov 23, 2020

I am sorry what happened to you. I see how much it hurt. Time, we need time... you will move when your are able to, when you are ready; but one thing is for sure - you will move on. There is no recipe for it, no button to stopp your feelings. Take care, you will be fine again

FearlessBrat​(sub female){H.PL.} • Dec 6, 2020

Hi there,

Please remember. Their betrayal was never about you but about THEM and what was missing(insecurities) in that person.

Healthy relationships are based on emotionally healthy two people....
It is not your job to fix them...

You are hurt right now, but ask yourself...
Am I broken because of that person? Or do I still have the same values and affections that at some point will you be able to give to another?

That's what I have learn recently(Thank you Karma!) I am whole, I have whole heart to give. But....I have learned the lesson. Next time I will be more wiser....

How do you move on?
Set some goals to achieve that will be a compliment to you and your growth...
Learn a new language, play instrument, take some online art class etc...

My short lived dynamic ended in October of this year. How do I move on.....
I keep writing and reading
Talk to and meet new people
In June I am schedule to present lectures, so I sit and dig in archives...
But also I have two new goals to learn this winter....I am taking figure skating lessons and I am learning gow to play chess....

I hope this was somehow helpful.

Wishing you speedy recovery.

Redamancy • Dec 6, 2020

In my experience the hate and resentment end when you can find happiness again. Youre going to be sad, hateful and resentful while you are still trying to find that happiness. As you pursue things that give you fulfillment, day by day that person will fade out of your mind and they will become memories. You will look back at that time through a clouded lense, remembering mostly the good. It will become a lesson that shaped you into the person you will become.