What does 'protected' mean and does it work?

DeepEmbrace(dom female)

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

You are probably better off remaining a "solo operation," SJG. As you have already seen, a lot of these people offering protection are the ones that you need to protect yourself from! They are too often poorly disguised wolves in sheep's clothing.

If you absolutely feel that a protector would be useful or helpful, then I always advise people that the number one thing is do not play with/flirt with/fuck your protector. No no no. That's the problem... people using "protector/protectee" as a way to put a claim on someone on the low and use it to keep anyone else from getting near them. You cannot have someone's best interests in mind as a protector if you are trying to fuck them yourself.

One thing to do is do NOT accept any offers of protection. If someone is offering, then you have no idea what their true motive and intention is. However, if you have a genuine bond and trust with someone, and you are not attracted to them or trying to/considering playing with and/or fucking them AND vice versa they aren't attracted to you or trying to play with and/or fuck you, then YOU can take the initiative and ask them to be your protector.

Even better, though, real talk... don't even set up that protector/protectee bullshit in the first place. Just have a group of trusted peers whether they be sub or Dom or switch or heterosexual or queer or of any gender or of whatever (legal) age and just ask those people questions as situations come up, as you have prospects you're considering. Don't put all your trust and eggs in one basket. Diversify to get more perspectives and to keep you from ending up in one person's web.

Ideally, just be your own Protector. Noone is going to be there with you in person on dates, once you start playing etc, but YOU and that other person. Noone is gonna care more about you than YOU. Noone is gonna be trying to get YOU home safe more than YOU. Do it yourself.

Stop letting these people have you thinking you can't handle this or you need them to protect you. Fuck that. Imagine if someone said to 50 or Em YOU REQUIRE MY PROTECTION WHILE DATING ONLINE? What you think 50 or Em would say to that motherfucker??? And yes gender is a very real thing that creates different risks and different experiences so think about your favorite hardcore old school female rapper and imagine some fucker steppin' to her saying YOU REQUIRE MY PROTECTION WHILE DATING ONLINE.

Channel your inner G, SJG. You obviously have one. You already seeing the bullshit so why you thinking you cant see the bullshit?

autisticbarbie

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

I value your opinion. But the harassment that I've dealt with on here is ridiculous. And it's not just me. Like out of this world. And for a man to come on here and make stupid jokes while I'm trying to ask a real question was B.S. Wrong time, wrong place, boomer humor from a male who can never understand what corporal risks women on here deal with. Especially submissive women. I'm not that fragile. But I was trying to protect myself and that dude should have kept it moving and found another thread if he wanted to crack grandpa jokes while I'm trying to keep myself safe. I like to fuck around and make jokes and I don't take myself or ego seriously but I take my bodily safety seriously. People die from trusting the wrong folk.

Just my thoughts and of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I got the help I needed and I appreciate you ladies!

Miki wrote:

As for what TopekaDom wrote.. It was actually kind of funny, and technically he had a point--- However that's not the point. I cannot speak for the OP but I can speak for myself as "neurodivergent"-- If I were so fragile and at risk of being pushed off the emotional cliff, I would not be a member of this or any other platform in which people are free to have opinions or even crack jokes.

autisticbarbie

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

This is wonderful advice. I always appreciate your valuable opinion. Thank you for taking the time to chime in.

DeepEmbrace wrote:

autisticbarbie

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

Thank you so much for this message SBD. It kept me away from a potential predator, was educational, and got me interested in studying more about this lifestyle. I appreciate you so much!!

SirsBabyDoll wrote:

A "Protector" is not a requirement.

1) A sexual dynamic is OUT OF THE QUESTION between the Protector/Protected.

2) They usually act as a neutral party, helping you to spot red flags or to calm your overactive fears. They act as a "voice of reason".

3) They can intercede on your behalf with someone who is harassing you.

4) They can act as your "gatekeeper". For example, a Dom comes to you and you direct him to speak to your protector first. If he respects THAT boundary and does as you direct, he has passed the first hurdle. If he gets huffy and refuses, goodbye....if he can't respect that simple boundary, he will not respect the harder ones.

5) The goal of a Protector is also to be a listening ear during times of stress.

6) You approach the person you wish to act as your protector, NOT the other way around. You ASK to be protected from someone YOU connect with, who knows YOU, who has no "designs" on you, and who has naturally become a friend whose advice you consider.

But again, it's not required. You can choose to be your own protector.

autisticbarbie

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

It does help. I learned a lot about how this could be beneficial irl. and online. from you and other posters and the nice folks in my DMs. Along the same lines as what you are saying, the people who are likely to be a 'threat' to me won't respect the 'protected' role anyway and it could cause other problems by relying on a 'protector' whose motives could vary. Thank you for your input it is valued.

dollMaker wrote:

Online it means very little, as those who are decent are not the problem, its those who are not, and someone's name listed as Protector, or just Protected will mean nothing to those who don't read profiles, and have little respect, or are so thirsty nothing matters to them. They will not ask permission to message from the Protector, or respect anything like that.

Often online, like with the use of mentor, unethical types will try to get into a position of selling the idea, to do nothing more than make a claim on a person, get a foot in the door so to speak, and will sweet talk, push, or manipulate, con the person into accepting that, and then work to get that person into playing with them. In my view no one being Protected, or mentored should play with, or accept pressure to play with the Protector, or Mentor, either in the online or physical world.

In the physical world, having a Protector at events, munches, play parties, dungeons has much more value, as people, even mindless hornballs will be less keen to hassle if its obvious that there is protection in place. This doesn't work 100% but having someone to look out for you is useful, and hopefully acts as a filter for most of the horrible, nasty types. These people can also work as Spotters to help keep you safe during scenes, when altered states, sub space, endorphin rush can lead to things going wrong, that the bottom might miss, but the Spotter will see, and step in to stop, keep the person safe.

Being frank, I think Protector and Mentor are ok, but only if the person asks a trusted friend to act in that capacity, and doesn't get involved with wanabe 'your......' whatever types, those who jump into your in box uninvited pushing to get their claws in. However ia Protector, or Mentor should ideally be from the same gender and role, a peer, not the opposite, as the lines can blur very quickly, and things move out of what was agreed, sliding into being more. Things are going to be a bit more complex for switches, and those who are bi, or pan, but keeping things to you asking a trusted friend should help avoid unwanted complications.

Hope the above helps, others mileage will vary.

autisticbarbie

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

Re: What does 'protected' mean and does it work?

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

I always appreciate your opinion, honesty and sensitivity. Protection seems to be a formal role that requires the respect and knowledge of other online Doms. The issue seems to be that the people I'm worried about would not respect the role, and like SBD and DE said, it's probably better to just form a group of peers and keep this operation solo for the time being. I do think that DM had a great point about the utility of protection for irl munches. And I definitely see the value. I'd love that. I think the problem in my case is that the people who typically want to 'protect' me don't abide by the same rules that SBD mentioned that others have reinforced as the standard for this particular dynamic. So I'm grateful that I said no and it's thanks to y'all.

tallslenderguy wrote:

submissivejewishgirl wrote:

How does 'being protected' work? Some guys offer to 'protect' me, but I find it confusing. How do men online keep other online men from messing with you? My thinking is that all they could do is block people who harass you if you give them your credentials, which is something I can do myself. I also didn't want to take them up on it because I didn't want them to have a back-door way of demanding access to my time / energy. In my experience, the "doms" who pretend to be your friends are some of the biggest boundary violators and manipulators so I try to avoid them at all costs.

Protected ladies, has this helped you? Because the harassment is exhausting. But dealing with manipulators within my own ranks is worse. So I've remained a solo operation, lol.

^^i LOVE THIS!^^

This is the type of discussion i love to see in our community... and in general.

To me, your question exposes a larger underlying factor: presumption. i (and would guess all of us) run into it all the time, and in so many areas, where a person presumes their idea of ________________ ("protected" in this case), is somehow a universal standard. i think it's that attitude, presumption, that often ends up becoming "the biggest boundary violator," largely because it is state of unseeing, unawareness.

As it seems to be with all things relational, i do not think "protection" can be approached generically. i think it has to be individual, specific, and seems to me fluid as well? i .e., on a case by case basis. i think while there can be parameters, guidelines, rules, standards, etc., that we run into the same issues with "protection" that we do with many other desires/needs that we have. i think those needs/desires (in this case the desire to protect and the desire to be protected) are more likely to be realized following the spirit of the "parameter, guidelines,...etc.," than trying to follow the 'letter of the law.' The "letter" can leave out communication, because it relies on a standard vs person. What it really does is put the interpretation (of protection in this case) into the hands of one person instead of both (or all parties concerned).

And, with all of that, i too question a lot of the notion behind the idea of "protection."

Miki(masochist female)

1 year ago • Jul 21, 2023

@SJG

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As I said, speaking only for myself, if I was overly affected by what people write on various threads or even if they Inbox me.. I would not be here. Ditto for other platforms, totally unrelated to kink or hookups or anything-- If shit starts getting stacked too high, I''ll abscond for a period of time and re-center.

In those times when you feel like posts here are really fucking with your balance and well being-- it really would be the best thing you can do for yourself to take a few steps back, give the site a rest and do something you enjoy in the interim.

While common courtesy indicates one probably ought not joke on a forum asking a question, no one knows you are, as written "neurodivergent" . I don't check the profiles of everyone on a thread either.
But that is neither here nor there. Put You First and if it gets out of hand, take a break.

I was "out of town" late last month after writing shit I never thought I had in me. I came back, rebuilt my profile and now post on here with a considerably restrained arsenal of "smart ass". I learned what I should have known already, to be respectful (work in progress) and to sprinkle in snippets of my inimitable wit only where I as sure it won't frost anyone's ass. That is not the purpose of this site, nor is it my purpose on here. All I need to do is be sure my head is screwed on straight before coming in.

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Now that was rather verbose of me. Take care, be well and remember You First. Unless you're in a close famiily unit or solid relationship-- no one else will.

M

Sweet Minx(sub female){NotLooking}	Sweet Minx(sub female){NotLooking} 1 year ago • Oct 21, 2023 1 year ago • Oct 21, 2023 Sweet Minx(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 21, 2023 Interesting read. I really like the idea of a "protector".