Sadistic Disciplinarian

Sololoquy • Oct 21, 2023

Yes, I'm doing this solo. I tend to be pretty adept at compartmentalising different parts of me and seeing the intersectionality between different facets. I just have a tonne of information here to process through trial and error first to get to a point of more clarity. I feel dominant and I feel submissive. Both are parts of who I am. I can choose to engage/activate my more dominant side or I can choose to engage/activate my more submissive side, and in a session, this can happen back and forth in relatively quick succession (my recent blog post #32, for example, is about 95% true to life - there are certain aspects that won't have happened exactly as written because there is technically just me, but where there is a little liberty taken to smooth over the fact there isn't physically a second person there, psychologically, it's still an accurate representation of those moments).

When it comes to what I want/need on both sides, for about 95% of all my kink preferences, they are in step with each other. I love being the spanker and the spankee, the rigger and the rope bunny, the degrader and the degradee. The very few activities where my preferences are not symmetrical are where my actual tolerance on the receiving side is lower than it is in fantasy. So in terms of desires, at least, they are basically 100% symmetrical.

That means that all solo activities I engage in can either be perceived just as myself as I am (a neutron - nice analogy!), or I can tap into perceiving the experience as the sadist, the degrader, the disciplinarian etc (a proton), or I can tap into perceiving it as the masochist, the degradee, the disciplined etc. (an electron).

I certainly see how someone like myself could be tricky for others to partner with because of this versatility, especially as I couldn't commit to only being one side of the slash forever. I might be happy to commit to being the dom for a long time, but if that means never getting to be the sub ever again, I would miss that experience. I've actually had more opportunity to be the sub in my sex life as a whole and being a dom is actually more the challenge.

I get a lot of energy from myself. I enjoy spending quality time with myself, understanding what's going on inside, learning new things. And yes, I am sociable as well and value relationships with others, but I find actually being in a romantic and sexual relationship with another person, while theoretically possible if I found a really good match, is not something I want or need right now and haven't done in several years. I feel fundamentally dichotomous and enjoy the challenge of mastering the balance between contrasting parts of myself.

For once in probably my whole life, I am starting to feel real physical intimacy with myself and a connection with myself as a sexual being, and harking back to my earlier point, it is actually the dom side of me in particular that has felt the most unexpressed and restricted all this time.

Being open with myself about my sadistic desires means shining a light on the darkest parts of me, which now feels possible after a very long journey dealing with depression and anxiety. And doing this solo whilst adopting this dual perception (proton/electron) rather than keeping it all integrated (neutron), is allowing my dom side greater agency and expression. Rather than being a vague shadow in my psyche bound up in secret shame, it can be given form and accepted for what it is with self-love. That is for me profoundly energising.

I fully appreciate that it isn't for everyone though. We each have our own journey and I respect that yours is not a solo path. Your perspective is still very much appreciated, so thank you

Sololoquy • Oct 21, 2023

Going back to the OP more, I think my main question remains whether elements of BDSM are blended at times where that blend is shared by both sides of the slash. I think it probably is individual and not a blanket answer for everyone, but I'm still keen to hear any further perspectives on all of this in general, so I can identify questions to ask myself. Some great insights and thought-provoking perspectives so far already, which is great

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Oct 22, 2023

My sadist hurts me because it is an expression of our love. He doesn’t hurt me as punishment. There are times that I don’t particularly want to be hurt but I obey again because I love him. I want to nurture his sadism as much as he does my masochism.

Sololoquy • Oct 22, 2023

So would you say that you are only into the S&M part of BDSM then? If you were to do bondage, for example, would that come under S&M?

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Oct 22, 2023

We are into all parts of BDSM. Control, obedience, pain, sacrifice, love, all the things.

Sololoquy • Oct 22, 2023

OK, so do the motives from different parts of BDSM blend or mix together in any way? Or are you always clear on the distinction?

What I'm trying to figure out for myself is how these elements are separate for me and how they combine, and if it's OK for them to be combined. For example, I might initially intend a spanking to be a punishment but then find I simply get off on it out of a desire to be sadistic.

Does this kind of thing happen in your case?

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Oct 22, 2023

It is completely OK to have that overlap. Yes, you’re punishing to teach obedience but there’s nothing that says you can’t also get your sadistic satisfaction from it. As a masochist, I enjoy the act of being punished even while I feel guilty for having disobeyed.

Sololoquy • Oct 22, 2023

Thank you, that's helpful. It seems that it's probably down to the individual dynamic as to whether overlapping motives is OK then. Going by perspectives so far, I can see where it might be confusing if the motive doesn't align with what you think it is, so perhaps it's less a case of mixed motives being problematic in general and more a case of whether it's accepted by all parties in a dynamic or not.

I personally feel fine with the blurriness of it all because, like you, I'm into all aspects of it, but I thought I'd see how others felt about it.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 22, 2023

Even though I am a masochist (I removed that descriptor from my name-bar. I am Inactive) However as a general rule I avoided sadists.

By definition a sadist is one who gets their thrills on inflicting harmful misery on their target, or worse.

A sadist is not interested in inflicting pain or humiliation for my (for example) pleasure. They would do the opposite.

A dominant can have a sadist "streak" in them n that they enjoy a sub / masochist's humiliation or pain but also has the capacity to appreciate the pleasure properly administered pain and discipline can give a sub or masochist.


That's just my take on it. Of course BDSM sadists are a different animal, just as I was strictly a sexual masochist, meaning outside the bedroom or dungeon I'm straight-laced, buttoned up starchy and professional and I take shit from no one.

Sololoquy • Oct 22, 2023

From what I gather a BDSM sadist should not be inflicting pain purely for their own gratification without concern for their partner's pleasure or genuine consent. That just sounds like bad practice and regular sadism that can hardly qualify as consensual.

I definitely have a sadistic streak within BDSM but would be mortified if I found my sub was not getting pleasure from it. I've actually done more on the sub side because I think I have greater fear of doing something that a partner might not enjoy on the dom side. I would probably need constant reassurance that I was inflicting the right amount of pain and it would take a long time to develop the confidence that I was.

All academic anyway, being solo, but still.