UpFromTheAshes(switch gender queer)
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4 months ago •
Jul 20, 2024
Steellover wrote: This thread is the classic examples of the "Mixed Messages" a lot of guys get.
On one hand, we are told we are supposed to be gentlemen, be a nice guy and treat a woman gallantly and with kindness, be sensitive, and all that. But then when we do, it's "the scariest," "too nice," or at least, women aren't receptive to it. It's a fine line- what are guys supposed to do? This can admittedly be frustrating. As an autistic queer person, I have listened and read and thought about this a lot. Here's what I've gathered. I think the difference lies primarily in whether or not the person in question *says* "I'm a nice guy" (or similar). It seems like it's often a giant red flag if, for example, that's one of the first things in their dating profile. It's often followed by a lot of not very nice-guy sort of things. Another time it's a red flag is when it's used like "I'm a nice guy, and therefore you have to ... for me." There it's a manipulation tactic, could even be considered emotional blackmail (especially if it's a list of a bunch of "nice" things they've done, and a demand that they be "repaid" for being nice). When I've personally seen this, it's one of two things (and they can be really hard to tell apart at a shallow glance): an abuser who's pretending to be nice until they've banked enough "nice points" to feel justified in cashing out and demanding they be compensated (with sex, favors, submission, etc).... And this can include people who don't see their targets as individuals, so they might be banking nice points with a bunch of different people, and approach one individual to cash out (see: stereotypical incels). The other thing it can be is an autistic or other ND person who says they're a nice person upfront because they don't understand why that's a red flag (oh hey, this used to be me), and while they may genuinely *be* a nice person, their lack of social understanding means that they're frequently targeted and/or misunderstood, so they want to get off on the right foot by saying they have good intentions. This actually leads to more misunderstandings, and additionally many of us who don't understand why we shouldn't say we're nice like that often fawn (fight, flight, freeze, fawn), as well as miss social cues, misunderstand people's intents, and don't understand how to communicate with allistic (non-autistic) people in ways that make them feel safe, seen, heard, understood, etc (this goes both ways; we *also* end up feeling unsafe, unseen, unheard, etc). But not only that, we often struggle to understand non-reciprocal interactions. I have to work hard to recognize and understand that just because I think I'm being a kind or nice person, nobody else knows what's going on inside my head and many people don't see or think about things the same way I do (not even necessarily other autistic people), and they may have very different interpretations or understandings of my behavior and actions than I do, so they may be reciprocating what they're getting out of it, or they may not reciprocate at all. In general, it's safest to just see it as a red flag. As others have said, show, don't tell. And don't expect anything in return for being nice... Be nice because it's a good thing to be, not so you can get something else out of it Edited to add: there's also a lot of crossover between "feeling like people owe me something because I was being nice" and "autistic person unable to function socially like an allistic person." *And being autistic does not excuse malicious/cruel/dehumanizing behavior* |
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