Predators

Predators

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 20, 2018

I know that this probably has been covered before.


How do you recognize that someone is a predator?

Do you act on it?

If so what do you do?

How do you handel predators that are also community leaders?

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Nov 20, 2018

Online?
Real life?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 20, 2018

Preferably real life.

But either

Bunnie • Nov 20, 2018

“How do you recognize that someone is a predator?”

I don’t. I recognise how I personally feel around someone and choose to remove myself from them in a respectful and clearly communicated way (eg. “I’m not interested, thank you.”) If I find myself in a situation where I’m no longer able to control the situation (eg. they don’t leave me alone when I’ve stated that I’m not interested), I speak to one of the leaders. Not in an accusatory way, but just to create awareness for them around the situation... that way they can then keep an eye on things, and act accordingly. I don’t gossip.
I have learned to always ask the people who’s opinions I have come to trust, what they think of someone who may have caught my eye or who may be pursuing me.
I am unable to tell what a predator looks like... I can only determine experiences based on an individual interaction with someone, and that varies with each person. I listen to my gut, and I trust it... so it’s difficult for me to point out specific behaviours or characteristics. And in all honesty, I think we need to be careful about creating an expectation of what they look like. Predators come in all shapes and sizes... even dressed in sheep’s clothing. My motto? If it doesn’t feel right... then it isn’t. No excuses or justification needed.

As for the remaining questions, I think I kind of answered those by default. If it was a community leader I found of concern... I would go to another community leader who I trusted, and follow the same steps mentioned above.

Bunnie • Nov 20, 2018

*to clarify... my motto is “if it doesn’t feel right FOR ME... then it isn’t.”

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 20, 2018

Thank you Bunnie!!!!
This is what I was hoping for!

Bunnie • Nov 21, 2018

@ MasterBear, we’re very lucky in our community here. It is small and very strict. No one is allowed to a play party without first attending a munch. And the leaders of the group I’m in, take their roles very seriously, and are very approachable. That being said, as a newbie, something I learned early on (thankfully without any severe repercussions), is that even though someone can be vetted... sometimes their crazy just hasn’t come out yet. It’s always wise to still be aware, and decide for yourself. Also, it’s not always just about predators... mismatches can create many problems also. Self awareness and self honesty goes a long way... always.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 21, 2018

FetLife took a survey and found that 20% of the respondents had had a predatorial experience with a community leader in real time. It went on to say that of those another 1/3 knew of somebody who had also been prayed on by a community leader.


You are very very lucky Where You Are.

I am asking these questions because these are things that I am asking myself. For me identifying a predator has everything to do with what they do and not what they say.


Three of our most prolific predators are Community leaders.
I'll have the same pattern in their wake.

The nubile young completely naive thing that they've chosen for the month disappears when they're done with them never to be seen again.

Lather rinse repeat.



So I really wanted to ask these questions of others to see what kind of internal template that they work off of. I appreciate your time and taking to answer this extensively. That's been very helpful to me.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Nov 21, 2018

As Bunnie said it’s difficult to recognise a predator as they are food at that. Most of the time they try to isolate their prey quickly and brush aside the fundamental questions that could show their true face. On fetlife it’s easier as the sub could pm a friend from their list and ask questions. Here it’s more difficult but I guess there are not many, it’s a small website.
If he’s a leader I am surprised he’s still at his position ? For sure if someone know about it, a meeting should be set up and ask some serious questions about his behaviour?
But remember and I know some will scream but Doms are somehow predators, it’s their behaviour that make differentiate the good way and the bad way.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 21, 2018

@Bunnie:

I agree with what your wrote.

I trust my gut; if something feels off, because:

(1) it is ‘off;’
(2) the person triggered something visceral;
(3) I get a creeper vibe;
(4) things don’t add up;
(5) I hear myself making excuses;
(6) I see myself ignoring flags;
(7) non-verbal or verbal language from trusted peers feels off, or I ask myself “how would I assess this situation if I were outside of it;” or trusted peers seem to be withholding what they’d like to share

I trust my gut.

At best - I prevent something shady from playing out

At worst - I misread a situation

My internal ‘spidy-sense’ has gotten me out of some pretty fucked up situations in the past.

Trust your gut.

- RP