BDSM without sex?

BDSM without sex?

Just Jessy​(switch gender queer){Owned} • Apr 15, 2019

Hello, I’m new to this community, and I’m not quite sure if I for in. Recently in the past few months I realized that I identify as demisexual. I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to one person, but it was someone I already shared a deep emotional bond with.

So now I have a question: how many people actually do BDSM without sex?

I want the intimate, fun, exhilarating, trusting aspect of BDSM, just without the sex. Anyone else have that same feeling?

ropefish • Apr 15, 2019

*enthusiastically raises hand* OOH. OOH. ME! I have done BDSM without sex!

I was owned by, and lived with, an asexual dominant for about a year. We started off as friends with non-kink-related mutual interests. One evening we ended up in a conversation about kink over dinner, and after that very quickly and organically fell into a power dynamic. They were (and still are) incredibly good at manipulating me using nothing other than their words - their gestures, expressions, and tones naturally elicit submission from me. They liked to test my reactions to different things, spontaneous commands and whatnot. They were very much in my head, and I absolutely loved it.

We never had sex and neither of us were interested. The occasional use of my body (being stepped on, choked, petted, whatever) was merely an extension of that. It was an incredibly fulfilling dynamic.

Now I'm not asexual or demisexual and most likely never will be, and don't get me wrong, I *looooove* me some rough kinky sex lol. But there is just something so powerful about submitting to someone to who could care less if they fuck me. To have someone who genuinely views my mind as a more entertaining toy than my body.... that makes me incredibly happy. And I really don't meet too many people like that, so the value of non-sexual aspects of bdsm is very high for me, personally.

*edited for grammar because I can't English*

Lexxa​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2019

Hello there! Fellow demisexual here, to be specific a panromantic demi. Essentially all of what Nawazakana said describes how a non-sexual BDSM relationship is just as much, if not more, exhiliarating than one involving sex. The ability to use tone, language and actions to dominate another mentally is to me the hottest part of a D/s dynamic. It is a huge turn off to me when someone starts off making everything sexual or that tries to turn the conversation sexual after a short back and forth. For example someone coming into my inbox with “big daddy dick here looking to own you” is the quickest way to make me ignore that person.

Many types of play are also not inherently sexual. They can certainly lead to sex or sex can be incorporated in the play but it is definitely not necessary. I personally LOVE rope and I’m fascinated by the art of shibari. Just the feeling and intimacy of being tied up, the dance of fibers across my skin and the growing restriction is all I need to be 110% enthralled.

In addition, my primary love language is ‘acts of service’ and the one love language that didn’t even register on my test results was ‘physical touch’. I love completing tasks for those I care about and I get a high from anticipating their needs and fulfilling them without being asked. Giving me tasks to complete and the opportunity to please is far more of a turn on than touching me ever will be. I imagine this could likely be the same for you as well. Hopefully this helps shed some light on the non-sexual side of BDSM, I’m still new and learning myself but there are tons of great resources here and across the internet to learn from!

Bunnie • Apr 15, 2019

Hi @ KinkyLittleMommyAce,

“So now I have a question: how many people actually do BDSM without sex?”

I think for starters, it depends a lot on what you class as “sex.” PIV (penis in vagina) is often the “bar” by which a lot of people consider sex to be, however, I don’t. I’m wondering if perhaps you mean “anything sexual” or if it’s more “penetration?”

For the sake of clarity, when I say sexual, I include anything that basically involves sexual stimulation or the intent of... and when I say non-sexual, I’m referring to no sexual stimulation, or intent of.

I have had a mixture of both non-sexual and sexual experiences within the D/s dynamic.

My first experience was sexual. However, after that I became a bunny for a Rigger. We enjoyed a mutual love of rope and played non-sexually for quite a while, which allowed us to develop a beautiful relationship between Himself, his kitten (who was also a Rigger) and myself, which definitely included a type of love and care for each other, however never went beyond the negotiated boundaries we started with at the very beginning.
After we decided to part ways, I became a bunny for a beautiful friend who I love dearly, who was at the time a fellow sub, and had developed an interest in Rigging, and wanted to explore that. We had an absolute blast of fun! We also did a lot of violet wand play incorporated into our sessions. We seemed to have a D/s aspect form rather naturally in our sessions which she went on to explore, and quite surprised us both, however, our relationship always remained platonic.

Something that occurred to me when my first Rigger unexpectedly died, was that although we hadn’t had a sexually intimate relationship, the depth of connection in these types of relationships just reaches down into your core. I develop a very deep love and connection with anyone I play with regularly, because it’s such an intimate bond unlike anything. It’s truly beautiful

The other aspect for me within D/s, is service. I am a very service oriented person. I have given massages or cleaned or served food and drinks... none of which had any sexual aspects to it. It’s just that warm, fuzzy feeling of helping others to feel good and enjoy themselves.

DrWakko • Apr 15, 2019

To me there is two types of BDSM play. First is the play that happens at home in the bedroom or play room of your home. This type of play tends to be more sexual in nature and sex is more likely going to be part of play.

The second kind of play is in a BDSM club / play party. You might find nudity and bottoms having orgasms, but it is rare to find people having sex in a public play space. You also might find someone getting a blow job, but pov isn't common. The only place sex is common in a public space is in an all male play space. In an all male space you will find more sex than play.

As for me when I am playing in a public space I have a "penis says in the pants" rule. This doesn't mean that I don't give my partner orgasms. When I bring a partner home then the play tends to lead towards sex, but in both cases all scenes are negotiated.

Just Jessy​(switch gender queer){Owned} • Apr 15, 2019

Nawazakana,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! When I told my sister I was kinky, her response was “I thought you were asexual!” Then I tried to explain how you can be kinky without sex, but I couldn’t figure out how to make her get it. Then I wondered if I could even be in the BDSM without sex (I was sure I could, but began to doubt myself).
There is definitely something amazing about having someone view your mind as more enthralling than your body, especially when you don’t feel right in your own skin. As someone who has been sexually exploited in the past, sex is the last thing I want to do for the purpose of pleasure and/or intimacy.

Just Jessy​(switch gender queer){Owned} • Apr 15, 2019

Lexxa,
Thank you for your response! I’m so glad there’s another Demi here who has gone through this. I can relate to what you said on a few levels. I hate it when people try to start things off sexual. I hate it, it disgusts me, it makes me uncomfortable. However, I do still enjoy physical intimacy. Cuddled up on the couch together, holding hands, surprise hugs from behind, laying in bed together, legs interlaced, that all still sounds amazing, I just don’t want your dick in my face! ?


Bunnie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Yes, I guess I should have been a bit more specific. Anything having to do with his dick, my vagina, anus, or tongues (even intense kissing), is simply disgusting to me. However, I guess I cannot day for sure because I am a virgin and I’ve never kissed/been kissed by anyone. I just don’t want to. I’d rather you wrapped your arms around me and nibbled my ears or neck.
Sex definitely doesn’t have to be involved to have a deep, romantic (or even just loving) connect to someone. However, after that bond forms, I know some people would definitely expect sex to start being involved, and I’m just not into that.
I currently have a long distance little and I’m his mommy, but he is very sexual. I’ve told him I don’t really like to talk about sex or sext or role play with sex online, and he gets it, but sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough for that reason. We do share a deep intimate bond, so I completely understand what you’re saying.


DrWakko,
Thank you for your response. I see what you’re saying. Although I have not ever played with someone yet, I can see how things would tend to become more sexual at home than in public. Honestly, nudity doesn’t bother me, and nudity does not have to be sexual. I know here in the USA, nudity has been extremely sexualized in our culture. This is why women can’t breastfeed and there are strict dress codes in so many places. It is completely possible to have nudity without sex.
It’s also always a good idea to have rules like that. It sets boundaries and expectations that need to be respected.

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2019

My previous was sex free and felt like the most real thing. I mean, flirting sure, but the aspect was always “????” when it came to sex with doe, we both weren’t ready for it so why even discuss it?

My mentor has tried for the longest time to tell me “it’s not just sex,” and for the the first time I can see how a healthy dynamic can be entirely sex free.

It’s super strees free with that off the table too. And if it happens it will happen naturally , not because I command them to do it.

Good post and question.

Just read the term “bdsm”

Ajinswfl • Apr 15, 2019

B = bondage D = discipline SM = sadomasochism

None of those say “sex” or at their base root have anything to do with sex. Unfortunately you will come across fake doms/daddies/blah blah blah that try and tell you that it’s all about sex or sex is a must. Nope. It’s not. Sex can be added and usually is with the agreement of both parties...but...in its most pure and basic meaning...bdsm has nothing to do with sex. If someone tells you sex is mandatory or bdsm means sex...ask them if they can read and understand English...then tell them to kindly fuck off

VWS • Apr 16, 2019

It depends a lot on what you mean by "sex". I'm happy to play without intercourse or oral. However, much of my SM play involves my partner's genitals, so using their erotic responses and even orgasms inevitably comes into it to some degree or another even if the main focus is humiliation, forced display, or pain/discomfort.

If the objective is simply domination, verbal humiliation, etc without any physical element at all, then I would probably be less interested.