I have questions

I have questions

Daddy'sGoodGirl​(sub female) • Jun 24, 2019

Question:
You have a new sub who has never had a Dom, how does the relationship start?

Please keep in mind these are just questions so I and maybe others get a better understanding.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 24, 2019

@Daddy'sGoodGirl​ For me, the relationship starts with a getting to know each other phase. I like to begin with general type questions, to help determine demeanor, attitude and intellect. Depending upon how that goes, it could move to more detailed questions, that usually involve D/s related questions. Again, I am looking to ascertain demeanor, attitude and intellect, as well as gauge interest and level of obedience. These phases have no defined time frames and they are fairly flexible depending upon where we are at relationship-wise and how interested we are in each other. If we decide to continue, we begin to discuss things such as meeting in person, usually a platonic type meeting to confirm interest and comfort level. I try to avoid "playing" on that first "date" but being totally frank, I have only totally avoided that once. I am patient, but made of granite I am not! lol From there the "dance" begins in earnest and may move rather quickly, since we are by now (ideally) very comfortable with one another and understand what we want/need/desire.

Daddy'sGoodGirl​(sub female) • Jun 24, 2019

Thank you. That was informative.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jun 24, 2019

@Daddy'sGoodGirl​

Well being frank I think you should not start anything with a dom, until you have a better idea of who you are as a sub, even if you are a sub.

My advice is do research and learn before you get involved in anything. With knowledge comes the ability to spot the fakes and abusers. Start with reading submissives guide website and You Tube channel, loving BDSM website, pod cast and You Tube channel, read the New Bottoming Book, read Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns.

I would be in no rush to do anything, with anyone until you have more knowledge, and you don't need a dom to get that knowledge. Reaching out to your local community, attending a few workshops of topics your reading creates an interest in is a good idea. You don't need to do or try anything, watching can be plenty.

Please be careful, there are people here who will try and exploit and manipulate a newbie to the site, as there are those who might do the same in the physical world. BDSM is dangerous, fun if done safely and with fully informed consent, but if not emotional abuse, and physical harm can result.

Take your time and stay safe.

Miki • Jun 24, 2019

Get together first as a "vanilla" couple even with the knowledge of one's sexual/lifestyle preferences and let nature take its course. Just don't "over-think" the whole damned thing. Be friends, be romantic.. the relationship dynamic will surface on its own and the sexual aspect will as well. As simple as "I like that. Do it harder".

That's my take but remember, as shown with my name, I'm a masochist. A sexual masochist. I'm out for just that. No strings, no emo, and don't call me unless it's for seconds.

So with that lack of experience in what you're asking, take my advice with several grains of salt.

Daddy'sGoodGirl​(sub female) • Jun 24, 2019

Thank you, but I'm not trying to start anything with anyone. I almost did but I learn my lesson fast. I am here to learn the mental roles and get others opinions. I have been doing my research but I find it's better to find out what others think of the BDSM. Perhaps I should reword it. Thank you for your concern.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 24, 2019

I should have added, that what I mentioned above is only applicable to my needs and situation. I am willing to bet that every person that responds will have a different answer, as each of us has different needs/wants/desires and viewpoints. I would also echo what dollMaker had to say about learning. Learning about the lifestyle and how you fit into it, is critically important and sadly often overlooked in a rush to get to the "finish line" so to speak. It also is helpful in my opinion, to learn things from a D's point of view, as that will give you some valuable clues as to when you may have met an "Instadom." I will also keep banging this drum, until "the band realizes it is playing a different tune" (to (badly) quote Roger Waters), patience is something that cannot be overstated, but is often discounted and lack of patience leads us collectively to many a heartache.

Madd Hatter​(dom male) • Jun 25, 2019

For me it would begin with cross referencing kinks and limits. Discussing what's a soft limit what's a hard one and find out what if any experience in pain and pleasure they have.

After that we begin slow what most new comers would expect software bdsm. Flogging, spanking, collating and cuffs. Clamps and blindfold try not to overwhelm them. After that find out what they liked and didn't like expand on it and push boundaries while introducing something new to the session.

Bunnie • Jun 25, 2019

@ Daddy’sGoodGirl,

“You have a new sub who has never had a Dom, how does the relationship start?”

I apologise if your question is directed at Doms only.

I observe people for a while before I approach them. Yes... I approach them. Not considered a very common mindset for a submissive, however it works for me, and tends to be the preferred method by the men I’m attracted to.

I observe their interactions with others, responses on blogs/forums, writings... everything. One could say I’m pretty fussy, however, I know what I need and have come to learn how to identify the characteristics that make me weak in the knees.

Knowing yourself, as stated above, is very important. Among many things, it will also help you determine what questions are important for you to ask. For example, I don’t have and don’t want children, however am ok with someone having children from a previous relationship. That’s an important question I ask very early because that’s a very important compatibility issue. Same with beliefs around things... marriage, dynamic etc etc.
I tend to look into compatibility more so than similar vanilla interests because my interests are flexible. Having said that... connection is the first thing I look for. Without that there’s nothing.

From there it’s a getting to know each other and building of trust. I move very very slowly. Mostly this is because of the dynamic I am attracted to, which is considered probably a bit more on the extreme end of the spectrum... however I think it doesn’t hurt anyone to go slowly. There is a lot of negotiation and discussion about expectations, needs, wants etc.

The way I look at it is that you can’t find what you want if you’re not honest with not only others but yourself as well. Put it all out there... your good, your bad, your ugly. This can be really difficult in the beginning because being rejected is horrible and terrifying and a huge blow to our ego. It’s also really scary being so vulnerable. It does get easier... especially if you spend time getting to know and trust yourself.

Lastly... take your time. There’s no rush. The right person won’t put a time frame on your relationship.

Thank you

Daddy'sGoodGirl​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2019

This has all been very informative. I am still doing research and look ups to get a better understanding. Thank you to everyone who has answered and will answer.