Make our emotionally Dom-Sub rel a sexually Dom-Sub rel?

Make our emotionally Dom-Sub rel a sexually Dom-Sub rel?

Nick Klyne • Jun 6, 2017

We are a male-female married couple, close to middle-aged, have been together many-many years, and are very connected emotionally and intellectually. More so than that may typically indicate; she has severe anxiety and multiple advanced degrees - much smarter than me. Twenty years ago, I had no idea how to help her with panic attacks, but eventually I would grow maddened with the near fainting, sobbing, and crooning. At that point I would sometimes yell, but typically just bombard her emotional state with reasoning, and my then-feeble logic. As years progressed, I became more effective at this intellectual attack on her emotions as I also educated myself on logical fallacies, debate, and whatever I could about body language. Three years ago, I became much more aware of how I predicted her attacks, preemptively neutralized in many instances, but how easily I could take her from the onset of hyper-pneumatic breathing to level - even in public places I felt a very confident casualness when orienting her behavior to an acceptable state. I've since imbued several keywords and tones of voice to take sudden and immediate control when my (we'll call it a Spidey-sense) calls blitz. I wish I had thought of energizing control words decades ago. For example, at a recent charity event, I could see her stance change and her face tighten over about 5 minutes. When her breathing changed, it could only go bad without intervention. While in the beginning we would have had to go outside so I could wear her down and overbear her sense of self, in this case I simply had to make the "face" and firmly say her control word once. Even these days though, I don't get off so easy; she is smart, and though seemingly accepting of her submissiveness, fights me in some way every time.

I don't know any other couples like us, so I don't know how typical our behaviors are to this community. She is so submissive about so many things. She asks me for permission to do menial tasks and make minor purchasing decisions. She'll shop an item for hours when it should have taken minutes, then come to me to make the final decision. If she wants to work in the garden (it's huge, so there is lots of work), she won't ask me if she can go do it. She will ask me if I want to work in the garden while it's still cool or after we have a snack, etc. If I say no when she works it that way, she'll get lazy and cold shouldered. I deal with this by making her do something she doesn't want to do. I know what she wants is to both be in the garden and be with me. I give her tasks in other rooms or out front where she is not near me and not doing what she wants to do, but she'll do it until it's done. When she comes back, she rarely pushes the matter so I won't send her away. To be honest, I love to see her happy, so I usually work on what she wants and keep her in happy proximity.

That seems like enough subtext. I am looking for input on crossing very far over the sexual dominance line, from the background data provided above. We have had less than a dozen "legitimate" sexually dominant-submissive interactions. The less intense example was one of our first, so maybe it was just calm because it was early. While behind her I spit on her ass hole and started rubbing it with my thumb. She said she didn't want me to put it in her ass. I had an elated feeling thinking about jamming my thumb in and her not liking it but not stopping me. So I did it. She asked why I was doing it, and now even more euphoric, I only said, "Your ass is mine to fuck however I want". After she said nothing, I told her (having never been this harsh with her in a sexual capacity before), "You can stop me when you think you've suffered enough". I continued to thumb her ass and fuck her for several minutes, but her whimpering and pushing back outlasted me. The most intense thing that has happened was the most recent, which has led me here for input. I was working outside and had no idea she had already had a panic attack, hyper-ventilated to sleep, and woke up sobbing, when I walked into the sobbing. She had been at it for a while based on the puffiness of her eyes red swipes on her cheeks. I was in no mood having been out in the heat. I asked in a harsh tone what had triggered this attack. She bawled out nothings and I Don't Knows. I placed her between me and the bed, dropped my pants, and pushed her shoulders. With no words spoken she opened her mouth, still sobbing heavily, and started sucking. I don't like to make her gag, as I favor a lollipop technique, but the sobbing wasn't subsiding so I forced her way down and made her gag several seconds at a time for about five minutes before releasing my grip. I got a little carried away, but the sobbing had subsided. She caught her breath and asked me if I wanted to cum in her mouth, or could she ride me first. This felt like a big deal for us (along the sexual dominance tack), her lack of defiance, her immediate attention without being told, this was the first time I could say she totally submitted to me. When she asked for what she wanted, but only if I wanted.

I don't want her to have to go through the hell of an attack just to enter the submissive state; I'd prefer to get her there without all the self abuse. How can I test/determine if the self abuse before submission is therapeutic for her? Without looking for shortcuts, how do I hasten the onset of her submissive state from this starting point?

- Nick

Paige_LaMarchand​(sub female) • Jun 8, 2017

There's a saying I've heard a few times-- Kink is therapeutic, not therapy.

It's clear you care very much for your wife and she trusts you implicitly, but she also has severe anxiety problems (so do I--takes one to know one). When you're not around she needs to learn how to handle them on her own.

Has she ever had actual therapy for this?

A person who has genuine, unacknowledged, untreated mental health problems can't consent to kink. Using those problems to get what you want from them is unethical. Which I don't think you want to do intentionally. This is a situation that's developed organically and it's moving in a direction that's potentionally unhealthy for both of you.