Mentor no mentor

Mentor no mentor

Mzmocha​(sub female) • Jan 14, 2020

Ok so i am new to bdsm and am, for now, educating myself on the in and outs of a submissive lifestyle and find the information can be overwhelming and vary from site to site. I have come across the term "mentor" a few time and figured I'd ask the opinion of people who are already in the lifestyle what some of the pros and cons are of seeking a mentor and how to go about finding one if i should so choose. Thank in advance for any advice on this topic.

xMzMocha

DrWakko • Jan 14, 2020

Pro: you can talk to someone who has experience and learn from them.

Cons: You take the time to learn you and learn what you like under the wings of someone or someone’s who have been there and done that and not have creeper “Doms” try to get into your pants.

DominusJ​(dom male) • Jan 14, 2020

Great to hear you're educating yourself. That's truly what's most important.
You don't need to learn "under" someone. There is a ton of information out there (some good, some bad) and what you'll find is some info that absolutely give you butterflies... and some that will turn you in realizing some aspects are not for you. (totally normal)
Before you can wantingly give yourself to your Dom/Master, it's important to know how you're wired, what you need, what your connection is and where you want to be.
A Mentor will guide, help you understand, clarify, educate and support your direction. Never tearing down, always building.
Take your time. Spend the right amount of time on knowing "you". The more you know about yourself, your strengths, and the clarity of the things you wish for and need, the more fulfilling and trusting your dynamic will be.
Wishing you wonderful luck in search.

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Jan 14, 2020

As DrWakko said, you have to watch out for predatory doms when seeking mentors. As such, I would highly advise you find someone who is not interested in you, sexually, to be your mentor, like a female domme or sub, a male sub, a gay dom, or a male dom who is not looking for new subs: anyone who is more interested in your welfare than in removing your pants.

I would also seek the teachings of several people as opposed to a single mentor, because what one person may teach you as right, may not be right for everyone. Some subs are taught to always refer to any dominant they encounter as Sir or Ma'am, regardless of their relationship to them. Some dominants however find iitles to be presumptive and annoying coming from someone who is not their submissive. Some people believe in an extremely strict protocol for behavior between dominants and submissives, some are more lax about it. One person may emphasize posture, while another may emphasize speech patterns, and another appearance and grooming. It's good to get a well rounded idea of what's going on than to try to mimic one way of thinking. Every D/S dynamic is different, because every couple(thruple, whatever) is different.

Another reason to seek council from many people is to get an idea of who you are as a sub. SUB is a pretty broad umbrella term. Are you a girl who likes to get choked in bed? Are you a girl who likes to shine boots? A housemaid? A warm-blooded sex-doll? A klitten? A little? Do you want to be humiliated and degraded, or are you in need of guidance and reassurance? Pain, or no pain? No one person is going to be interested in everything, and It's a good idea to get to know what you are into, and, just as importantly, what you are NOT into. I could reach you about Shibari, but if you were interested in heavy pain, I'd be of no use to you.

Mzmocha​(sub female) • Jan 14, 2020

Thanks for replying, and as you said @Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} i am learning that the term sub includes an array of different things and im finding some things are an automatic yes and others are an absolute no and then there's the grey area where either i don't fully understand or im curious but have my reserves. And it's hard to know what i like without any experience and i realize im not ready to jump in under a dom. I desperately want to learn but it's not as easy when all you have is google. I don't know anyone i can ask questions or ways to build a network with others who know more about the lifestyle. What i do know is i want to learn so im not in a situation where some creep ruins it for me before I've even had a chance to enjoy exploring my submission and what it encomposes. Thank you all for reading my post.

xMzMocha

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 14, 2020

Peer to peer best type of mentor, not someone on the other side of the slash, so sub to sub, dom to dom, etc.

Many conflate mentor to mean someone to play with, no play should occur between a mentor and mentee.

Daddy Time​(dom male) • Jan 14, 2020

A sistersub would probably be a better fit to help you understand your sub role if thats what you are searching for. A Dom or Daddy mentor who has experience and is a safe compassionate person can also be a very good resource for information. I see one Dom here said you can find all the info you need on line or in books and I agree but sometimes you need a more human touch when you have questions and this is when a good Dom or Daddy or a subsister would be a good resource. A Dom or Daddy mentor should never want to meet up with you etc and I also find on a selfish level that being a mentor or teacher so to speak sometimes opens my eyes as well so both parties get benefits from a mentor sub exchange.

Bishop​(dom male) • Jan 14, 2020

I am personally against having a mentor on the other side of the slash, there is just too much room for predators and the strong possibility of emotions getting involved. Stay with a peer mentorship, even the most well meaning person is not able to control his/her emotions and who they form a bond with.

Mzmocha​(sub female) • Jan 14, 2020

Thank you, i should have clarified i meant seeking mentorship from a sub not a dom to avoid the possible negative that may arise. So it great knowing i had the right idea there.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Jan 14, 2020

D/s happens naturally so be careful of those who only want to deal with you as a sub and not a person those who hide behind titles are a red flag . Find people you vibe with
regardless of what category they fall into.