Instadoms

Instadoms

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Jan 15, 2020

I am a 67 year old Dominant with many years experience. I have a problem with instadoms - someone who just decides to call themselves a Dom without learning HOW! This is a controversial topic I know but its a serious one. It took me a hell of a long time to learn all the intricacies - ex. How to cane someone without scarring them, or how to put someone in bondage without cutting off circulation. The biggest one is how to "get into" a sub's head and find out the triggers to press and when to stop. I learned how to read their body and know where to go further, or to see they were on the edge of becoming overwhelmed, or they were about to shut down totally.
When someone is in bondage or receiving SM their body releases endorphins - hormones stronger then morphine. You can OD on endorphins and you can't register the intensity any more. Eyes get glazed, and they will be impaired. I had to learn to do aftercare, making sure they remained with me until they were functional. Yes its a huge stone! To be blunt, they can get so buzzed they are incapable of driving, they are that impaired.
Instadoms have no idea of any of that, so in my opinion they are dangerous and need to be stayed away from. Too many people get hurt, or totally turned off kink play.
There are a lot of responsibilities in Domination that must be faced. You can't get away from them if you want the sub to come back for more.
The Doms job is to provide a safe space for the sub to give up control to them. I do not want to damage, traumatize or abuse my 'toys' - fuck no. I want them totally into what I am doing and want to continue ongoing.
I have seen the aftermaths of instadoms totally abusing the sub because they don't really know what they are doing. Contrary to popular belief, the scene isn't just ordering the sub to strip and prepare to get fucked in any orifice. I am a Gay man who has had scenes with women and straight men where sex was not part of it. They might be naked, but no sex happened. That was not what we were there for.
Sex CAN be part of the scene with kink play as foreplay yes. There is a difference between Dominating someone and being a bully or rapist. SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL with RESPECT both ways is my lifestyle. If any are missing the scene should never happen. But it does. A LOT! and that diminishes the rest of us. That is what ticks me off.
I was a Party Monitor at a monthly fetish event. I supervised any and all play at the events. I stepped in many times because I saw inexperienced players doing dangerous things. In this age of Hep C, HIV/AIDS and human papillovama virus body fluids are too dangerous to play around with.
So if you are meeting a New to you Dom find out how long they have been playing. I was lucky I had mentors who taught me the ins and outs. Play Smart, Play Safe

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 15, 2020

This should be tagged as a MUST READ for anyone new to this life style or just anyone who needs a reminder!

It’s so easy to get caught up in it all that you forget the basics or if you’re a a new sub then you don’t necessarily know what to look for when you’re starting to talk to a Dom!

DrWakko • Jan 15, 2020

Most of this post has nothing to do with being a Dom. Most of this post deals in play. Being a Dom is a role within a relationship dynamic, however picking up a “toy” or putting someone in bondage can be done by a Master, sub, Dom, slave or sadist. One doesn’t have to be a sub to be on the receiving end of a “toy” or be put in bondage. The person receiving is the bottom in the scene. The person giving is the Top in the scene.

One can be a Dom and NEVER pick up a “toy” or put someone in bondage.

After the debates about what we do is really a sane act most people have moved on to:
RACK
PRICK
4 Cs
Please google the above for more info.

Once again Dom is a relationship role and Top is a play role.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 15, 2020

Having run into a few of these instadoms myself to them there is no distinction, they are only interested in so far as to get you on your knees for a quick wham bam thank you ma’am, they don’t care about the aftercare or the subs actual well being whether in the bedroom or out.

So I think while yes the post has quite a lot of emphasis on play it’s pointing out how dangerous can be to someone who doesn’t know any better.

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Jan 15, 2020

Yes I was talking about play but my point is look for people with experience. If you meet someone who wants to learn then either help them to learn or show them how to contact groups that teach. Yes anyone can tie someone up but then what? There is an art to kink play and the more experience you have the better. I used to give a lot of workshops back in the day esp at the Fetish Event I was party monitor at. Or go to a munch and meet people and ask questions. This is my opinion agree or disagree. But don't call yourself a Dom unless you know what you are doing. Just ordering someone to do things is one thing but being responsible with the orders and the ramifications is what a Real Dom does.

DrWakko • Jan 15, 2020

As you say “real Dom” a real Dom has NOTHING to do with play.

How to look like an instant Dom keep insisting that being a Dom is about play.

Solace​(dom male) • Jan 15, 2020

I believe this can get heated very fast. The host of this post, our wonderful VanDom, makes important points. Of which my take away is that Doms must be knowledable about their actions and responsibilities. I wholesomly agree. It is essential. And experience in this area has real tangible value.

That being said, it's also very unfair to new Doms in the scene, even borderline spiteful to them. The tone of this thread seems to label all brw Doms as the negative term "instadom". We all get our experience from somewhere, not everyone is fortunate enough to have a mentor, especially not in a community that for many revolves around obscurity.

Lessons will be learned. Sometimes in unfortunate ways. For those of learning or still learning, please let the take away from this to be educated on your actions and responsibilites. Both sub and Dom.

Instadoms

VanDom​(dom male){I will con} • Jan 16, 2020

Just to clarify with my post - I am primarily talking about those who just decide they are Dominant and think they can just jump into SM play with no knowledge or experience in HOW to do any of it. I differentiate between Tops and Doms. In my opinion they are two separate things, again agree or not that is up to you. If all you are doing is taking the lead in sex and wanting sex on demand that is one thing. But to just pick up a whip or paddle and just lay on the strokes without knowing what the fuck you are doing is A B U S E! I pride myself that I can take a cane to a masochist and not cut the skin. But that took time and practice. That is what I am talking about.
Yes there are some out there who have been in the scene for years who don't give a damn if they injure their sub or not. Again - abuse! That I do NOT tolerate EVER!
I have reported them to the police.
Knowing how to identify a masochist and how far they can go is a skill. Admitting to yourself just how good Your skills are as a Dom is another. I can't stress this enough - Safe, Sane, Consensual and with Respect is the goal to strive for.
I care for and about my subs and always make sure that boundaries and limits are not just followed but also respected. I have seen physical, emotional and intellectual damage done by uncaring Doms. Because I am known as a public speaker/Educator I get people coming up to me telling me the horror stories.
I did not intent to slag new Doms in general here. Just those who go off half cocked and foolish. Whips hurt, paddles bruise and worse, there are limits to humiliation play.
Gee what a concept. Do your homework, find a Mentor, or a group that can guide you. I am so grateful to my two Mentors I cannot even thank them enough. It took hours of conversation, practice and even some hollering to get me where I am today.
Play Smart, Play Safe, Play Often.

Daddy Time​(dom male) • Jan 16, 2020

instadoms remind me of my Hapkido master I trained with. Similar situation mine was a 11 degree blackbelt worked for security of korean president back in the day. He would visit other martial arts studios in the city to investigate if the guy was even a master. Most got on the boat as nothing and arrived in the USA a grand master hahaha and he beat their ass in front of their students if he found out. Its just dangerous but im sure it happens. Ive got 12 yrs experience and that sometimes feels like nothing Im constantly learning even the old masters will tell you in bdsm you never quit learning nice topic brother Dom

TNS​(dom male) • Jan 16, 2020

I am going to be blunt everyone makes valid points and i thank everyone for their input. How about we add links to videos and real helpful articles to help not only Doms but subs as well so everyone can be safe