Married or single subs?

Married or single subs?

subspace eater​(sub male) • Feb 5, 2020

This is a question which has always been in my mind. There are thousands more male subs than dominante women, so what should be the better option? Being married and "cheating" on tour wife when you play with a domme from time to time? Or being single and live the lifestyle at it's full, attending events, visiting prodommes and trying to find a Mistress to serve, but knowing that you will just be one of his many slaves, and giving up so to have a significant other with whom you can share your live?

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 5, 2020

When I was married, my wife not only let me visit pro doms, but encouraged me to do that. Because she understood that my interest in BDSM ran deeper than hers. All she ever wanted to do was give me a little spanking now and then, and she knew that wasn't really enough for me. And she also understood that it wasn't "cheating," according to any sensible definition of the term. Because she knew all about my pro doms in detail. And because I was not having sex with the ladies I went to. And because it was obvious that I was never going to run off with any of those ladies and leave my wife in the lurch.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Feb 6, 2020

I don't have an answer but it does really, really suck that at least in the US, the dom/sub population is so unbalanced. It's pretty often that I wish I wasn't really interested in this stuff so that I could just find a more vanilla person to settle down with.
The amount of time required to find a kink-compatible partner as a sub male is absurd - you have to somehow get your foot in the door to a dom, then somehow make yourself stand out from the crowd, and then pray like crazy that they're actually a decent person and are a legitimate partner regardless of sexual interests. It's neither group's fault but shit's fucked, man.

I've been dipping back and forth between the gay scene to see if I can get my fix there but I just don't get along with 95% of gay dudes, no blame meant. More or less just hoping I get lucky and in the meantime, trying to tone my kinks down. :/

EDIT: For what it's worth I don't think being married and then """cheating""" is a good solution whatsoever, that's just being a shitty partner. Unless your wife is into threesomes, who knows.

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2020

One of the major reasons why the male sub and Domme balance is so out of wack has to do with the male sub. The stories I've heard from Dommes/Mistresses is that male subs can be so pushy to serve that it pushes the Domme/Mistresses away. Instead of having a normal conversation a male sub throws themselves at a Domme/Mistress. A male sub might think its flattering that they threw themselves at the feet of a Domme/Mistress, but they are people too. They are not objects. If male subs stopped treating them like objects maybe more of them would stick around.

Domme/Mistresses are out there, but when the male sub will push them off of websites and even events because the messages they get. If you treat them like people and not act like horny boys you will get more attention from them and they will start to come back to site like this.


Side note this can be said for males on both sides of the slash. Most women want someone with more dimension than "hey look at my penis"

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Feb 6, 2020

I get where you're coming from @DrWakko but that's absolutely not the issue, lol.

Since the start of 2020, 121 male subs have joined the site.
They are matched by 19 female dommes.

It's probably something related to the age distribution range. Of those 19 dommes, only 4 are under 30 - meanwhile, the subs have a fairly even spread with some bumps at 18-24 and over 45 (if you'll bear with me on scrolling estimates). I'm speculating quite a bit and don't expect to get the right answer, but my hunch is that it has something to do with traditional gender roles requiring a more wisened/older individual to break out of, e.g. that it's more difficult for a woman to realize that she prefers breaking role borders than for a man, because of the starting points for the genders in a traditional relationship (masculine vs. feminine).

Even if 50% of dudes were flaming assholes who sent their dicks (which... isn't entirely inaccurate, per my Grindr account), it's still a ridiculous mismatch.

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2020

Your numbers only work for this site. Keep in mind this isn't the one and only site for kinky people. Females on social media and it doesn't matter what app we are talking about get hit on my guys. After some time they won't join other sites because there experience follows them.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 6, 2020

Unfortunately it is so unbalanced EVERYWHERE in every country (in my experience). Its sad but it is the cold hard truth when it comes to numbers on F/mf.
There is no country higher in numbers or any one site that is "Femdom nirvana" However there are those sites at you will have better odds (here appears to be one of them). Often Site, that do appear to be Femdom nirvana are often loaded with faked profiles to attract more male members (to purchase) or findommes after wallets or camDommes after purchase where intention is veiled and hidden. Here (cage) doesn't allow it, so of course numbers will appear lower..but these numbers are the cold hard reality. Reality sucks but at least its a site that is being 100% honest with you.
lot of male subs keep looking for the "Femdom Nirvana" laden sites or countries and often miss what is right in front of them because they have unrealistic expectations or the approach as DrWakko said is off putting to "some" Femdoms.

Knightsundere​(sub male) you've got some great point in your post, that would serve some male subs well, to pay attention to, the amount of time and effort the search can take is time a lot of work, many need to figure out if the lifestyle is something they NEED to have or if its just just a kinky want and a little spice that looks hot in videos or is a TRUE fetish. Most cant be bothered if their dick doesn't get tingly in the first volley of emails, (although not all are like this, I'm trying to not generalize) Effort can pay off. I hope it does for you.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Feb 6, 2020

I personally have avoided many sites that have anything to do with more sexual or adult natures, just because of the fact that as soon as people realize I'm a woman, I get hounded with, "Fuck me!?!?!", or, "Pics???" Or any other number of messages that make me insanely uncomfortable. Even before I had met my husband, and i was single, it still bothered me and made me uncomfortable.

I know I'm not alone in this struggle. Doesnt matter if you're vanilla, sub, Domme, Switch, whatever. You're a woman online, and it's not a completely SFW environment (even then it's not actually 100% safe but I've been harassed waaaaay less in SFW zones), you're going to be bombarded with propositions and begging.

So I'd say Wakko is pretty spot-on. Yes, there could be an imbalance between Dommes and male subs. But I'm willing to bet the real issue is women feeling uncomfortable because of how easily and how often they're harassed in these sorts of environments. Not to say it's the sites' fault or its necessarily fair. But it happens a lot.

Usually if I don't have something to keep me on a site (ie. My husband or friends I already trust), if I'm asked multiple times in the first day to do things for/to people I usually leave, as I'm exhausted by the messages.

~~~

To answer the original question though:

I have never found a reason for cheating to be okay. If you're not happy and not willing to sacrifice something for your partner (not saying you have to), then you should leave. If it's going to be such a problem that you're willing to break trust and hurt your partner, get out. Leaving will hurt less than being betrayed.

Having another partner while your spouse/current partner is aware and okay with it doesn't count for cheating. I'm talking solely about going behind your partner's back, without them knowing and while it's not acceptable in your relationship, to seek something from someone else. Be it sex, domination, hell even just kissing depending on the relationship and its boundaries. That isn't acceptable.

So if you're needing a BDSM relationship bad enough you're willing to hurt your current partner, you shouldn't be with them. Single is the better option then until a partner who can fulfill your wants/needs (or who is willing to let you find someone else to cover what they can't) comes along.

Hurting someone else should never be okay or an option. Even if they've hurt you. Taking the higher ground and being respectful is the best option.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 8, 2020

A fun song by Dave's True Story that speaks to the question:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaRv-tAKuww

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Feb 9, 2020

I'm greedy: I want focus and attention from submissive men, so I prefer them single and available.

There is also the drama quotient. I've had plenty of my own, thanks, and don't want any unnecessary drama. I have no interest in an enraged spouse-stranger who I either didn't know about - or who I was told was fine with it - coming after me for trying to steal their partner, break up their marriage, wreck their family or whatever the accusation might be. It might be worth the risk to the unhappily married person, but it's certainly not worth the headache to me.