How do you know if your a good sub?

How do you know if your a good sub?

LDawn​(sub female) • Feb 12, 2020

I’m sorry in advance this is long...
How do you know if your good sub material? I started this journey several years ago and it’s been filled with ups and downs for certain but sometimes I wonder maybe I’m just not sub material. I’m old school very the man is the head of the household anything else is a major turn off for me. I’d have loved being a 1950’s wife! Having a presentable home and child, always being presentable for him and being a reflection of him that would make him proud. I love being the submissive wife. I love feeling owned. I could sit at my Dom’s feet and be content. I love doing things for my husband/ Dom that please him and he approves of, I love surrendering myself in every way and serving him. The thought of playtime in the bedroom makes my knees go weak and I’ve found I have few limits. I LOVE being told I’m a “good girl” and I’ve felt so shameful when I’ve done something displeasing, enough that a look could drop me to my knees in disappointment at myself. But I can also be a brat especially if I feel ignored or unwanted which brings me to my maybe I’m not a good submissive part. I have plenty of insecurities, my mind can go in a million directions some good but some bad and I need reassurance. When I start feeling insecure it’s like a spiraling feeling that goes out of control. That’s where I seem to be broken to the point it’s apparently too much for a Dom. How do I get past my own insecurities and thoughts and if I can’t does this make me unworthy of a Dom because I’m such a bad sub? If so I have this Part of me that’s a need so what do I do now?

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Feb 13, 2020

First off let me state that from what i have read in what you have said. the 1950 housewife is great for those that like it and it seems that you do, but you seem to be worried about being bratty at times. i hope i got it right , i think i did.
Now being a brat does not make you a bad or not sub material. There are those that like brats , and those that dont it depends on the Dom really.
But tbh in mho all subs have times when they may seem to be a bit bratty. Along with that fact that many of us have insecurities, over think things, ect..
it boils down i think to being with the right Dom , knowing your relationship with him/her, having faith and trust that they will be honest with you.

Sometimes you just need to sit back and remember they are human also. Meaning that they walk in the door after a long day and need to decompress just like we do. it doesnt mean they dont care or anything .

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2020

For starters, your premise is faulty.

When speaking of a D/s dynamic there is simply no such thing as Good or Bad. Yours is a question of compatibility, not quality of submission.
This is the same conversation as the question of Fake vs Real. A Dom is a Dom as long as there is someone submitting to him. A sub is a sub as long as there is someone dominating her. It is a symbiotic relationship where each needs the other. It isn't a mystery, it isn't a riddle. You can't have a top without a bottom and vice versa.
It's just that simple.
The whole thing may be nothing more or less than the level experience of either but that is a entirely different conversation.
Likewise, here is the fallacy of the Good/Bad argument: While you may not be an ideal sub for HIM you may be exactly what a different Dom would choose; whereas he may not be YOUR ideal Dom he might be exactly what a different sub would choose. In each case either of you may or may not be considered to be best for the other. They cancel out each other leaving such notions as Good and Bad non-applicable.
This also means that, though valid, your fears about being "not a good submissive" or "unworthy of a Dom because I’m such a bad sub" are equally misguided.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Very few of us will ever experience any relationship of any kind where everyone is always compatible with everyone else all the time. That's not your failing or anyone else's.
That's life.
Welcome to the party. Please wipe off your shoes before entering.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Feb 13, 2020

My Master will not tolerate brattiness in any form. I know other masters that look for smart ass subs because they love that dynamic, and the punishment that comes later... It is all about finding someone that you are compatible with or finding someone that you can adapt to. It is all about deciding what is most important to you. At some point, your longer-term master will train out of you what he doesn't like, or you're not submitting to him. That's what I've found. If that isn't what you want, that's okay too, just make sure you discuss that clearly. It is all about communication.

Lossofalme • Feb 13, 2020

I'm going to repeat this, because it's important... You're not broken. You're not unworthy. You're not bad.

You're you! And there are people who will connect with you and appreciate you for who you are. Some of those people are going to be Doms who would enjoy setting up a 1950s style household with you. It just might take a while, and some trial and error, to find that person (or persons). But that time and effort isn't because there's anything wrong with you! It's just the way life and relationships work.

If you find that you seem to spiral into anxiety and insecurity fairly predictably, you might want to look into therapy (if you have that option). It doesn't have to be a long commitment, sometimes just a few sessions can help you figure out what patterns are causing you distress and to figure out some options for replacing those patterns with something better.

Regardless, it can't hurt to be very clear with your partner(s), letting them know that you crave a 1950s household dynamic, that you are sometimes insecure or anxious and will need clear guidelines/support/encouragement/communication from them, that you can be a demanding/mischievous/needy submissive...

Lead with those strengths and needs and truths and you're hopefully going to find Doms who want and appreciate those things too, right from the start.

Bunnie • Feb 13, 2020

If submission nourishes your soul, you’re a submissive.

This is what I tell myself in the moments of questioning if I belong here in this lifestyle... because like you... my demons can be pretty cruel, and still to this day, a few years in, I have my (many) moments of believing I’m not good enough.

It’s ok to have these fears. Walk with them. Acknowledge them and continue on your journey. They don’t have to stop you from still exploring and seeing where it leads you.

Dunimos​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2020

All subs are good subs... you know you're a good sub if you feel good about submitting. Everyone has bad days, and has plenty of room for growth.

You and your Dom work together to find ways to express what a good sub you really are.

Trust your gut,

LDawn​(sub female) • Feb 13, 2020

Thank you all for the advice. It means a lot that you’d each take the time for such thought out responses and it really is helpful. ❤️