Preferences... & why we have them

Preferences... & why we have them

LostGirl Aria​(sub female){♡G.W.N.♡} • Jun 11, 2020

Personal preferences are specific likes and dislikes of an individual human. Special attention should be paid to each individual's preferences, as they can have a large influence on the decisions that person makes and how they behave.

A choosing of or special liking for one person or thing rather than another or others. The power or chance to choose. A person or thing that is liked or wanted more than another.

Well, that sums up what exactly Preferences are & how we use them in our day to day life. Now, what about when we include it into our "relationships" or "dynamics" of some sort?

Your Deal Makers & Your Deal Breakers
It can come in physical, mental & health wise terms. Allow me to ask YOU.. what are your preferences & why do you have them?

Just curious

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 11, 2020

i think this is a great topic... and huge. Thank you for asking.

i don't know where to go with this without writing a book (that'll never be read lol), so having to choose the angle of approach to shorten my response.

i use two words frequently, usually with a slash between them (need/want) because i think it can sometimes be hard to know what is a need and what is 'just' a want? "Preference" is a word i rarely use about important or relational stuff because, for me (and i know this is personal), the word implies choice, and i think many of our needs/wants are hard wired in or deeply conditioned in. i think a lot of my personal aversion to the word derives from having been raised in a religious culture that conditioned me to believe that my being gay is a 'choice.' That conditioning made me prefer not to be who i am (which is simple reality) for a long time. It was a painful process switching it around and choosing to accept and learn to live with who i am vs trying to be something i was conditioned to prefer.
i think many in the kink community run into similar issues to one degree or another. Just the word "kink" implies a wrinkle in something that might otherwise be smooth, an aberration. Many of us grew up in cultures that did/do not reconginze our differences as differences, but as "kinks" or aberrations from the 'norm.' Abnormal.

i think if we are outside the 'norm,' we end up having to see the conditioned bias against our self, learn self acceptance, then try to find others who accept us, often narrowing that search for one special person.

To me, the "search" is for compatibility is crucial to finding that "special individual attention." i don't think most of us were taught to look for compatibility when looking for relationship, though i think we often search for it blindly, unawares. We find someone who meets a (or several) deep need(s)/want(s) and call it "falling in love." Funny how the descriptor acknowledges the accidental nature of the event, as though falling in love were akin to falling in a mud puddle (or falling off a cliff).

And that word "love." i think for most people that word remains mysterious and ethereal, even though the drive for it is central. i was taught/condtioned to associate love with sacrifice, compromise. i think the word "love" is used as a lever in many relationships in and effort to get ones needs/wants met. E.g., "if you love me, you will ________________." Or we impose it on our self: "I do __________ because i love you." To me, this is not love at all, but reduces a relationship to a (unsustainable) process of quid pro quo.
To me, love has a very practical meaning (though i still think it has mystery to it too). i see love as a purposeful practice of listening/hearing, looking/seeing, then acknowledging and affirming the value of the person we have made the effort to see and hear. To me, where compatibility comes in to the equation, especially when looking for a special relationship or significant other, is compatibility ensures a natural valuing of who that person is vs forcing it out of obligation.

For instance (and putting this very basically), i am a "bottom" sexually, with sub attributes. Many of my psychological and physical needs/wants are intertwined in that. i may find a guy drop dead gorgeous. i may love his humor, his intellect, his kind heart. But i know if he is not wired as "Top" with Dom attributes, we won't be able to bond in those areas, it would be forced like always having to shake oil and water to mix. And really oil and water never bond, they just get reduced in size and appear to be connected.

To me, compatibility is about finding and establishing a foundation of symbiosis to build on. Again, the simple example of "Top" and "bottom." To me that is like two oppositely charged ions (sorry for the physics example, i'm nerdy) that naturally attract and bond (yin/Yang). Oversimplified for the sake of example, but a Top naturally fulfills the needs/wants of a bottom by getting Their own needs/desires fulfilled and a bottom naturally fulfills the needs of a Top by getting their needs/wants. It's a symbiotic relationship where each persons natural, unforced expression of who they are and their need/want is nurture for the others need/want.