Is it also hard for other to get into the right headspace? (For Subs)

Is it also hard for other to get into the right headspace? (

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Jun 26, 2020

Hi! I'm not sure if there are many submissives that also deal with mental health issues on here but I wanted to create a safe space for us to chat, unload, and give advice to one another! (Dominants are welcome too!)

Well for starters I'll go first: As much as I know I want, and even need a D/s relationship, I am still beating with anxiety to fully open myself up. I'm not sure of anyone else can relate but sometimes thinking about giving someone that power can be very scary. And not to overshare to strangers, but I've dealt with sexual harassment, verbal and mental abuse throughout my childhood. So being vulnerable can be hard, just thinking about it gives me panic attacks sometimes. And while I'm working on improving myself, the ironic thing is I believe allowing someone to take control and guide me will help me significantly. Sadly, while I really want to get into that headspace, it's not something I'm used to. I'm the oldest of 3 kids with a single mother. So I had to take on a lot, including taking a lot of the hits from
a verbally abusive person in our lives. As well as taking on the pressure to take care of them and my mom, while trying to be the perfect role model. Because of all of this I was never taught really how to take care of myself. So it's a struggle dealing with depression, anxiety and insomnia.

And of course I don't want to burden someone with all my baggage. And that's part of the anxiety.

I guess the point of this all is, do any other submissive have a hard time pushing their trauma aside in order to get into the proper headspace? And if so fo you have any advice that may help me accept this part of myself more? Or how to move past the anxiety?

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Jun 27, 2020

Wow. Quite a topic. Please understand that the people here aren't ignoring your question, they may just not be able to answer it. This lifestyle is highly adept at finding all of our weaknesses and bringing them out in the open. There are subs here that talk about similar issues in their journal entries.

All I can really suggest is open and honest communication with your partner or prospective partner. Know that this stuff is going to come up and you really need to find a way to mitigate it. Look for a kink-friendly professional that you can work through this with.

What I can tell you is that even without these issues, getting to and maintaining the proper headspace is work. It's supposed to be. The other thing is what the "proper headspace" is, is up to your Dom, and that needs to be a separate topic!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 28, 2020

just dropping this here for those that do need it (as suggested by island girl)

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/

The Kink And Poly Aware Professionals Directory (KAP) is a service offered by NCSF dedicated to providing the community with a listing of psychotherapeutic, medical, legal and other professionals who have stated that they are knowledgeable about and sensitive to diverse expressions of sexuality.

for those in the UK
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/what-is-kink-aware

if any others are known for other countries. Could you please share!

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jun 28, 2020

Good morning Tgirl,

You have been through a lot, please do not be hard on yourself. No-one should be expected to throw their emotional and physical trauma away with a click of the fingers, it is unrealistic. As Island girl said, this is very much a journey and different things will surface at different points. I think it would be useful if you were to focus on the journey of getting into the right headspace rather than the ultimate goal. You are building skills, strength, resilience. It is certainly the case that every tiny step you make towards that goal will improve your mindset, so the journey itself is worthwhile.

In terms of 'letting go fully' ... that is a struggle for everyone, a constant struggle, and it may actually be a bit of a fantasy to have completely let go ... its possible that someone might become a zen master at this and reach ultimate sub-nirvana ... but I am skeptical (and I am not sure how useful that would be!).

From the other side of the fence I DO NOT! have expectations that new partners would automatically drop all barriers and embrace the control, in fact I would be suspicious if that happened. All of the partners I have had have wanted/needed to start slowly, drive up the connection and explore control slowly ... and that is also how I like to do things. I would also say that some of my most treasured relationships have been more challenging in terms of this 'letting-go' at the start. I see such things as an inevitable part of D/s relationships.

Take heart, don't stress. With work you can be where you need to be.

Elly​(sub female) • Jun 29, 2020

I have a little bit of experience with this, having gone through abuse myself. I don't know if you have a permanent or temporary partner, but I am married and my husband came up with an idea that really, really helped me and maybe it will help you.

My husband and I would pick a movie scene or a game scene to act out. It was never sexual and it was just meant to stir a particular emotion or reaction. For example, I am very reactive to loud noises and shouting, so we picked a scene where I could be a character being shouted at or having things thrown around me. We planned it out ahead of time, my husband made sure I was in a good headspace for it before we started, and then we ran through the scene. Immediately after it was over, he came over to me and checked on me. He asked if I was okay, how I felt about it, and with my go-ahead, we physically reconnected after the scene. For me, sex is a particularly, if not the most vulnerable thing I can offer. So we didn't start off with sex. We started off establishing that trust that my husband would perform before and aftercare and that if I requested the scene to stop midway, he would immediately stop, reaffirming my trust that he will listen to me and check on me. That made it way easier to introduce more intense play in the bedroom. We already had that trust established with something else that didn't make me feel as vulnerable.

Another thing that's really important is to not push yourself too hard. Do try to stretch your comfort, but not beyond your ability to demand a situation stop. In the end, not vocalizing that something is bothering you breaks the trust between both you and your partner. In the same way you need to be able to trust that your partner will stop when asked and check in on you, they need to trust that you will be honest about how a situation feels.

For BDSM to be in any way a positive experience, there needs to be trust, and trust is something that should be earned and never immediately given.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 29, 2020

idk, i imagine it's going to be different for everyone. i became a martial artist as an adult and seems i used it as a coping mechanism as well as a way to get me over the fear of fighting back. As a kid, my sub nature combined with my fear of defending myself made me an easy target.

i've healed over the years and as an adult i'm okay, but i think my experiences molded me to some degree? i almost back kicked a guy into next week when he presumed to get physically rough with me. He was just a hook up and we didn't know each other. i guess he read me as pretty submissive and assumed he could act without consent. i have self control, and he got the message and stopped without anything happening, he really reversed after my response.

my point is, i know there are certain behaviors that will trigger me from the abuse history. i'm careful to tell people up front that i am not a masochist because there's lots of behavior and attitudes that some assume identifying as sadists that will trigger me. Force, bullying, roughness, are triggers, so i am up front that i am not looking for that kind of Top/Dom.

And that's not all that hard to avoid. i go for the cerebral, affectionate, seductive Top/Dom. Frankly, they have to power to put me in sub headspace. i look for compatibility of kinks because to me, kinks are how our needs/wants present. An affectionate Dom with compatible kinks can put me in sub headspace. i've also identified some of my kinks that can keep me at the edge of that headspace so it's not all that challenging to get me there if the Dom/Top has the keys, keys my Top/Dom figures out, and keys i give as part of the process of relationship.