Vanilla or kinky?

Vanilla or kinky?

First Time Sub​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

So I am seriously inexperienced, completely untouched by myself and others I have never even had a first kiss. Should I go vanilla for my first time or go right into the kink? All opinions are helpful, thank you!

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

You should do whatever the heck you want as long as it’s sane, safe, and consensual. Having your first kiss and feeling the sting of a hard spanking from a Dom have nothing to do with each other.
What concerns me isn’t the physical stuff like your inexperience with sex and kinky toys, but your (seemingly) lack of experience with relationships in general. Doms online and in real life will see your age and severe lack of any relationship experience and eat you alive. They will seduce you with all of the right words and promises, and absolutely destroy you. D/s in my opinion goes deeper into the emotional and mental side of things, and it might be too much for you to handle. I don’t know. I don’t know you.
In my honest opinion I’d try vanilla relationships first just to get a relationship under your belt. You will learn a lot about yourself and your needs in the vanilla relationship, which will translate well over to a future D/s dynamic. Ex: “Ok, I learned that I am definitely needy and require lots of physical affection, plus I am bratty so looking for a Daddy Dom with Brat Tamer qualities would be a good idea rather than a harsh Master who doesn’t tolerate any games.”
See what I mean?


Just my thoughts.

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2020

Yeah personally I would begin with a vanilla relationship. Get to know some of the in and outs (hardyhar) of relating without power exchange or kinky play, and learn what you learn. You may find it’s totally uninteresting, or you may find it’s thrilling and amazing and meets your needs fine! There’s always time to explore further later, as long as you make the time.

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

Not sure if this is going to be helpful but I would say it doesn't matter so much whether your first sexual experiences are with someone who is generally kinky or generally vanilla as long as it's a good person (and, of course, someone you are attracted to and have feelings for). Stay away from inconsiderate, manipulative, selfish people. As long as you start exploring your sexuality with someone who cares for you and has empathy, you should be fine; that person won't want to do anything to you that might emotionally hurt you. My first "real" boyfriend was kinky; he was the first person I had sex with. I met him, fell in love with him, and it just so happened that he was into BDSM. I don't think there's anything inherently problematic about your first sexual experiences being with someone kinky as long as that person cares for you. My ex did not try anything kinky with me right away. Our first few times of having sex were pretty vanilla. Later on, he introduced me to some more adventurous things (although I wasn't really into it at the time, which is part of why I am currently confused about my relationship with BDSM). In general, my sense is that, if your partner really cares for you and has empathy, they probably won't try anything super unconventional with you the first few times you have sex. But if, after a few times, their sense is that you might enjoy some more kinky stuff, if they go slow with you, and if there is a lot of communication between the two of you to ensure you are comfortable and happy, I don't think it would be a problem to go into that direction; I don't think your first relationship has to be entirely vanilla.

That being said, IF you don't have a good people radar, then it may be additionally risky for you to get involved with someone who's kinky. Getting involved with an asshole Dom may be more damaging than getting involved with an asshole vanilla guy/girl (although the latter can also be quite damaging). I personally have always had a good people radar since early adulthood. If someone doesn't seem like a decent person to me, I stay away from them, and I am usually right about who can be trusted. If that doesn't sound like you, then perhaps it is best for you to be rather careful as you gather your first romantic and sexual experiences. And that might mean opting for someone more vanilla. Seeing as you are 18, though, if you stick to people in your own age range (which, imo, you should always do when you first explore your own sexuality), I don't think you will even encounter a lot of men/women who have significant BDSM experience. So, if I were you, I simply wouldn't worry much about whether your love interest is kinky or vanilla. Just let your first relationship come about organically. You meet someone through friends, at work, or at a party, you like them a lot, you fall in love with them, etc. Just let those things happen and enjoy them.

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

Oh, by the way, you wrote that you are completely untouched by *yourself* and others. So you don't masturbate? Girl, get on that right away, it's great stuff, and you can learn a lot about your own sexuality through masturbation, too

House Talion​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2020

Most might say do what feels right, butbif you havnt done either then nothing might feel right. I was vanilla till after college and the change certainly helped me feel better about who I am and why it was a hit awkward before. You can always have an experienced Dom or sub analyze your personality based on enjoyed activities to determine the possibilities. Some Donne whilebothers do both and still some do neither.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jul 20, 2020

My first bit of advice is work on you! Explore yourself and don’t worry about a relationships as DesertLizard said learn about yourself and your likes and dislikes as they relate to what gets you off. Cause you may find what stimulates your appetites are far more vanilla than you thought. Look up videos, research dont depend on others for that.

Your profile screams of shark bait for the less then savoury characters that parole the inter web. Guys who will want to put a notch on their belt under the guise of helping you. So I’d work on that, but until you know you, you won’t really be able to say much.

There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced cause everyone is at some point, but I think you need to learn who you are before thinking about do I want to start vanilla or kinky. I had no who I was at 18, hell I’d argue I didn’t really know myself until I turned 30. We are here to provide support and guidance but you need to do a little soul searching and learning on your own!

First Time Sub​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

Thank you all for your opinions! I’m going to take all of it into consideration as I explore myself!

First Time Sub​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

I would not even know where to start haha

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 20, 2020

No one ever "knew" where to start. They either talked to others who are practiced in the fine art of Self Enjoyment, read books on the topic (Years ago there was this German lady known as Dr. Ruth. She was before my time, even but she put out a lot of material. But not just her.)

But in the end, it's only what you are comfortable with. If that doesn't appeal to you, then it won't be much fun. Getting off is a big chunk of mindset.

As for what you wrote at the top of the thread I take it you're a virgin. Kink may not be the first stop on the sexual bus ride, (again a matter of personal choice) Get to know how good sex feels and how one can enhance their own pleasure, again, with mindset, before wandering into the world of kink/fetish.

You also might want to check out porn. There's a ton of it out there and it doesn't cost anything (except having to put up with ads, but that pays for some of it)

Best of luck...

Most of all, never rush! Take your time, discover things and go from there.