Question for Doms

Question for Doms

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Sep 11, 2020

After a conversation with a sub friend of mine, I would like to poll you on the D side...

Please be really honest and feel free to elaborate. I think there are a lot of assumptions made about this lifestyle as it pertains to sex.

How much of this lifestyle is about sex for you? Is it primary, secondary, casual, etc? Use whatever terms best describe where sex fits on your spectrum.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2020

Interesting question! I can obviously only speak for myself!
Sex is important but definitely not THE most important, there’s an awful lot of talking, open discussions, negotiations to be had first ! and to a degree trust needs to be in place before sex rears it’s head pun intended!
I have always worked on the theory that initially the conversation should be at the same level as if you met someone in a bar ! Maybe old fashioned but that’s my way in this throw away world !
You would hardly walk up to someone and say , “can I seee your XYZ” insert body part as required!
Or “will you be my sub your profile is great, well at least the pics are I didn’t read all of it”

I think the word that fits is respect !!

Once the chats have happened s degree of trust gained then the flirtations can start , gauge the response carefully before opening the throttle more !


But like I say that’s just me !
Stay safe cagers

cannaMaster​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2020

For me sex is a very close second. Number one is guiding and building up of my sub. I get a real charge out of seeing a sub start out insecure, full of shame, and generally unsure, but coming alive feeling strong, empowered, and secure in her submissive life. Great sex is an outcome of those things. I have had some subs offer me sex right up front because that is what they were looking for. It’s great, but it doesn’t get to the heart of the lifestyle to me. Structure and discipline is the turn on for me.

D

DaddyDrago​(dom male){LilAmethys} • Sep 11, 2020

Sex is sex.
Everyone does it.

For ME.
That makes it not special when it comes to this lifestyle.

A scene, with all of its intricacies is VASTLY different than any sex.
The headspace to brutalize someone's flesh with a flogger is quite different from sex. Even if it is primal sex.
I'm all down for rough sex, edging, orgasm denial, plugging, figging, fisting, tantra, sensuality et cetera but that's just sex.

My thinking goes along these lines......

Sex is what we all do. All of us (with few exceptions). To me that means vanilla's in the privacy of their bedroom role playing are no more lifestylers than I am vanilla. Kinksters???? Ok, maybe.

But the lifestyle is more than just kinky sex. Again, for ME.

I want the control.
I want to see a submissive broken down and a weeping muelling mess before me.
I want the trust it takes to allow me to take her body to the edge of physical pain and know I am holding her safely.
To master implements of pain as if they're pleasure incarnate.

Yes, sex is a part of that.

Again, a COMPLETELY different headspace from what I consider a scene for me.

None of this was meant to diminish your dynamic if it is solely in the bedroom and around sex. No judgment at all from me.
The question was asked of me what my opinion was and what works for me so I answered accordingly.

Ultimately for ME,
It requires little trust to have sex. Even kinky sex nowadays.
It takes WAY more trust to have a scene where you're committing your body and safety into another's hands around physical pain.
But that's just my lens.

AlexLeeSadist​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2020

It is absolutely intertwined with sex and relationships for me. I don't have "normal" sex, and haven't for decades. That's not to say every time is as intense as the harshest BDSM session - but at the very least, the implication is there, and at some point, I will flex my Dominant muscles - mentally, physically, or both.

Same with "romantic" relationships. I have no need for "vanilla" or normal. I'd rather be alone.

However, I also want and enjoy companionship, intimacy, closeness...what most people expect from their significant others. I just have to have it within the context of BDSM based relationship.

LiquidDesire​(dom male){Looking fo} • Sep 23, 2020

I would say that yes sex is a part of the whole BDSM lifestyle. When I started the journey I started as a bottom because I didn't know where I fit. I then tried switching again I did not feel that it was me. I started going to a local Dungeon and the Dungeon Master talked to me and took me under his wing as did the other Dom's and Dommes. The dungeon was a no sex Dungeon on the BDSM nights. We shared ideas and new play scenarios we learned. I was not even allowed to wear boots or leathers until the other Doms thought that I was ready. How I earned that right was by following protocols and rules of the Dungeon. I have now been able to wear boots and leather vest to events that i go to. Where I live now they do not follow this way of play and learning.

The long winded answer above is to state that I was taught that the lifestyle was different than sex. We would negotiate what even scene we were doing such as electro, flogging or and other scene. Sex could or could not be on the table but was negotiated first. Consent was a very major keyword we followed and taught. Safe words were paramount and if at the Dungeon if the safe word red was used all scenes stopped until the DM did check ins. One of my pet peeves is a Dom not reading and watching the bottoms body language and knowing when to adjust or change the scene to the bottoms needs.

It was not until I tried the DD/lg were sex was ever talked or asked for. So it was an adjustment for me to try to read the sub to know when to switch from flogging or whipping her to tying her to the bed and using her. I was more of a sensation play Dom who used forced orgasm or other play and then maybe rough sex at another time. I did not even let my sadistic side show until recently with my sub that I am hoping is my last sub. I was told many times to except that part of me. My new sub has taught me how to merge sex and caning her @$$.

So all this comes to my answer, it is about what your sub or bottom wants. Listen to him or her and respect their wishes. If their wishes are not in line with your then move on and fide the right fit because they are out there and it is your job to find them or be open to them finding you like my baby doll did with me.

GentleDomforyou • Sep 23, 2020

It’s all about sex and sexuality for me. I don’t want a stepford wife yes dear relationship. I want an equal. I want our bdsm sessions to be sessions and not all day every day. It short be short and intense. My ability to dom brings out the sub in you. An equal partner in life, a submissive when unleashed.

Re: Question for Doms

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Sep 25, 2020

Sex, as in intercourse? Exactly 0. I would never fuck a sub or a slave.

JD Dom​(dom male) • Sep 25, 2020

Awesome question!

I'm going to be a bit vulnerable here and answer with some personal information. I'm 53 now and like many men my age, I take various medications. These things have conspired against me at times and my ability to "perform" has failed me. However, for me, the purest expression of Dominance is when I take my sub places she has never been, in her mind, body and spirit. If I personally am unable to achieve orgasm, but I've given her 10 through manipulating her body with the tools at my disposal (tongue, 10 magic fingers, a large selection of toys, etc), I am VERY satisfied and feel very good about my Dominance. I consider my job to be a "dream-maker". It's my job to create an environment where she can flourish as a submissive/slave, where she can feel safe, loved, needed, used and useful. My own sexual satisfaction is secondary. Don't get me wrong, I love cumming and orgasms as much as the next person, but I don't have to panic if my cock fails me... I can still fuck her mind and body with tools at hand.

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Sep 26, 2020

I am unable to answer this question at this time as I can say with certainty that I don't know where it would fit in for me. I have no one to share my life with at current and have not for quite some time. in search of it, but I would not be sure until that time came for me but I am sure it would be on the list just unsure as to where it falls on that list