Who pays for what?

Who pays for what?

alphawolfishere​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2020

Relationships in the BDSM community ain’t all free. I mean at some point, you may wanna meet or even live-in together. So who flips the bill?

As for me...

I lean towards paying. As a Dom I don’t believe a sub I’m interested in should worry about that stuff. If we’re living together, I’m open to her not working. If she wants to work, fine by me. Either way, I’m open to covering costs because I see her as a long-term investment. And she’s investing in me by coming to me. But not everyone agrees...

I’ve been told that subs should get their own money and get to the Dom or Master.

I understood that relationships in the BDSM community are unique and aren’t always Dom/sub. Regardless of the relationship type, how do you decide who pays for what?

Thanks!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 25, 2020

i don't think this question has a one size fits all answer.

Personally , have been in ltr relationship (marriage) where i paid for everything. As time went by, it became an entitlement, i felt used and it was a point of contention. When we divorced, we were debt free, she got everything, a sizable estate (about 3/4m). The way the system saw it, she could either get everything, or i could pay her alimony the rest of her life (no kids involved). The system does not want to pay someones way. So, i gave everything up and started over. When i discussed this with my former wife, she admitted it was not fair, but she did it anyway. 12 years later, i am in debt, making it fine, just started over. She travels a lot, works part time, but mostly what she got from me provides for her. I.e, even after we parted, i still provide for her.

i don't mind paying for a date... i do it all the time. But i like it to be my choice, not an expectation. Of course, i am sub. That may have something to do with it? i have met Dom people who want to take care of their sub in that way, but i cannot imagine myself every having it as an expectation?

Again, this is all personal. my stuff does not apply universally. Some people love the provider/dependent dynamic. Unfortunately, i have been approached by so many "dom's" who have no means to provide for their self, it always leaves the question in my mind: are they looking for someone to "flip the bill?" It feels really rotten to not know if i am valued for myself or because i'm paying for it. i'm not looking for a sex worker for a relationship, and that is how it feels to me. But that is just me. No doubt there are as many answers to this question as there are people?

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Oct 26, 2020

I can only answer from a subs point view .... well my view point...

From the very start of things in our case we split cost of things . For example: first trip to see him . I paid for my gas and tolls and put my hotel room on my c.c while he paid for gas , food, ect while there and filled car up before I left .

Now that we live together we share the cost on everything.

Just my input

Alpha Wolfe • Oct 26, 2020

I think this one is a matter of personal perspective, and that there isn't really a right or wrong answer. Just what do you prefer.

For me, when in a relationship of any kind, it's about equality most of the time. Give and take if you will. Getting to know someone, going out on dates, I do like to pay for meals or tickets or what have you. But similar to what tallslenderguy said, I hate it if and when it becomes an expectation. Doesn't matter how long I've known you, doesn't matter if I marry you. If you just outright expect me to pay for you, once or all the time, I'm going to grow to dislike you.

Going more into the intimate things. Toys, restraints, lingerie or whatever her and I want, cost will depend. Are we casual? Is it a one time thing? Are we committed? I want to be able to set up my own mini dungeon so to speak, so I will personally be investing a lot into all sorts of things, as I will be keeping them. If she's half way around the world I might gift her something if we come to some sort of agreement that includes this. If she wants her own stuff for her place, that's on her. But again, I might get some stuff for her. If we're committed and living together, it'd probably be shared, as it will be in OUR place. It will be OUR collection.

Anyways, I think I've made my point maybe.
Using the example of dinner, If we agree to meet up and you're struggling with money, I might offer beforehand, I might not. When we get the bill, I might say I got this, I might not. Generally, I'd bring it up before hand so we're both on the same page. I'm paying? Okay. Split the bill? Okay. We both know.

Re: Who pays for what?

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 26, 2020

I agree with others that it all depends, and it is a personal thing more than any rule. With my Dom he pays for the toys simply because he chooses them, purposely without my input. When we eat out, he pays for the meal, but when we eat at home (we don't live together but go back and forth to each other's house), more likely or not I bought food and cook. We more or less split the cost of trips when we travel together.

This is strictly my personal view, for some subs, work is MUCH more than a source of income, it provides mental stimulation and personal growth. I don't disagree that a Dom can encourage the sub to learn and improve, but face it, you are just one person. There are lots of idiots I have to deal with at work, but I am also very grateful for the dozen or so brilliant minds who put up with me! It doesn't matter how great you are as a Dom or a person, you cannot compete with twelve of them out there. (Please understand this is in no way intended to put any Dom down or be disrespectful). Being able to spend time in that environment makes me a better sub.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 26, 2020

This explains a lot about your other posts on the matter.

Here's the thing. If you felt used it's likely for OTHER reasons. Maybe in that specific situation it ended up as being "used". But do not make the mistake of comparing that to HAVING to be used either. What I'm wondering is what other events resulted in feeling used to begin with. It's got to be more then just simply paying for expenses.

Personally work makes me super depressed. I'm more upbeat and fun when I'm the loyal hound waiting for an owner to come home. Depressed isn't fun. Upbeat is. That doesn't mean I can't work at all, it simply means I need to do things in my own time and in my own way. I have to focus on ME. If I don't have entertainment throughout the day I'm going to go nuts. And that's not even a metaphor. I'd only even consider working with someone if they don't assume I can't do the job when I've proven over and over I can. But I need to do it MY way. Without someone breathing down my neck or being judgemental and disproving if I'm having fun while focusing. I hate that. "Spying". And "mistrusting easily". I also don't give a shit about how things appear to be. Or "Putting on an image" to kiss buttcheeks. Do you want the damn JOB done or not? Caring more about appearances then results has run many a business into the ground. Assuming being iron fisted which raises stress levels to get results has done the same. The most efficient way to get a job done is to relax AND work. BOTH. But how many jobs let you do that at the same time? Nah, just stand there, look pretty, do as told and nevermind the fact you could be happy while you're here.

Anything computer related working from home would be ideal. There's a damn good reason people learning to code have cold drinks and computer games to play. And there's a damn good reason they're so damn efficient. They relax WHILE they work. The reduction of stress gets better results. These people are highly talented and sought after. Compare that to a standard slave labour job where you get used. I have my flaws but I have enough respect for myself to not set the example of being taken advantage of.

Sidenote though. Working with traffic (things like setting cones, laying tar, etc) is pretty lax. They won't care if you're on a laptop to entertain yourself and pass the time. But if anything I'd probably start my own text adventure game online with it being donation funded. Which has been proven to work out. It's a small enough area to have a high enough number of interested people in the area and I know for a fact I can put in lots of ideas. I'm more of a "Write and implement ideas" guy then a coder though. That's why Fenoxo and Steven work together (they made corruption of champions and trials in tainted space). They compliment each others skills. Probably learn from each other too. Always considered youtubing since I game a lot. But that means games themselves have to be good. Few good ones coming out so could be a good time to do so (baldur's Gate 3 for example. The 2nd being one of the best RPGs of all time). This also brings up sponsoring, which people sometimes get you to do in youtube. Love Markipliers approach to that. He keeps things honest without kissing ass cheeks. He wins out because he's honest. The people that sponsor him get mentioned. No impliation of deception. Win-win on both accounts.

... What? I might be a jobless bum but I know tactics. Happens when you play enough of the old fire emblem games among others where you have to use your head to win. You just start putting that ability to other areas. I don't let the system use me. I use it.

petiteluna​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2020

A lot of people have mentioned this: it’s a personal thing that needs to be discussed.

Personally, I think equally splitting the “bill.” You’re both bringing forth something to the dynamic.

As someone who has had to work a lot to take care of immediate & extended family members, I do look for financial security in a dom. Not because I want him to pay for everything, but I like to know that I can rely on him. It wouldn’t be fair for me to not explain this and just expect him to pay for everything.

I like to work too! But the goal is to be able to work from home because of anxiety lol

VioletStage​(dom female) • Oct 26, 2020

If your submissive stays home full time to care for all your needs he/she becomes the “homemaker”. They’re contribution is non monetary.

If you can’t afford this arrangement one should make sure to help Around the home in other forms least it become a tragic vanilla situation which in turn ruins the fantasy.

That being said if it is part of your subs fantasy to not only tend the the house, tend to my needs and pay all the bills please send them my way!

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 26, 2020

it's not about money, it's about doing something. Solving problems makes us happy. I am self-employed, when you work creatively it is like giving birth every time. Why should we withhold that from someone. Work is important to us, even boring work is good. As for the bills ... it depends on who earns more. That can change, it depends on how you live together and what tasks need to be solved. Luckily I don't know one single man who doesn't do anything ... somehow they avoid me. Entrepreneurs rarely need any extrinsic motivation.

hopefulbabygirl​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2020

This is an interesting question and I think it varies. I’m more of a person who likes to split costs. One person may pay more than the other but I think that just depends on who can afford what.