Needing More

Needing More

SwitchNewb • Nov 10, 2020

I'm married to a vanilla guy who rarely takes the lead (insecurity/inexperience). He loves me and is willing to try new things, but often reverts back to vanilla without clear direction. My needs have evolved and I need more. Vanilla is no longer fulfilling. He is hesitant to be rough with me, even when I'm begging. (what's a girl gotta do for a firm hand?) I want to let go and trust him to take control, and we've discussed this, but everytime he has the reins, it's vanilla city. I How can I ask someone for more rough play or dominance without topping?

Any recommendations other than role play or sex games?

Curious Raven​(other female) • Nov 11, 2020

I was in a long-term relationship with someone who was fundamentally vanilla. For a long time, I thought that if I could just ask in the right way, he would be able to hear me and give me what I craved. Despite all my attempts, it never happened. And looking back, it makes sense that it was never in his nature and thus not something he could give me. Probably not the response you’re looking for...but I do empathize.

The original Her​(switch female) • Nov 11, 2020

I was in a year long relationship with a guy who was fundamentally vanilla, and that was about all I could take. Over time, I realized that he wasn't right for me in other ways at all, but I often struggled with the sexual side of things because I'm about as kinky as they get, especially for my age, and he didn't want anything to do with it.

I hate to be the absolutist here, but if it's been this long, with everything you've been doing, and he's still not remotely interested, it's probably never going to happen willingly. People have different tendencies and personality traits. Unfortunately, vanilla is one, and the broad spectrum of "kinky" is another. With my own personal endeavors and other people I've talked to relating to this, it's just hard to make someone be interested in something that doesn't appeal to them.

You mentioned that he's open to new things, but doesn't know much of what to do himself, as well. I would encourage reading a book about whichever dynamic you're interested in, so it will be a way of coming to terms with things, together. You could also watch a documentary, but I don't know many that go into dynamic specifics, just mostly a broad overview of the BDSM scene. Podcasts can be helpful as well! There's plenty of ways for gathering information, but I think that if he isn't showing interest into gaining the material, it might be time to accept defeat with that.

I personally don't believe that your husband will change much, based off of the information given. However, I really hope that you two are able to figure out something that works and is satisfying to both of you. I know it can be a stressor in a relationship, and I wish you all the best.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 11, 2020

The first line in your O P says all you really need to realize in my view. He is who he is and if he does not want to be rough with you, deal with it... or if your need to be dominated/experience BDSM in your sex life to the point where you are unhappy you may have to consider, even though he loves you (which from what I see and hear regularly is something too many people find themselves having to do without/leave on the wish list) you will need to either suck it up and do without or end the marriage.

To borrow a line from a song a decade or more older than me, expecting him to do what seems to go against his grain is like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.

*****

I don't mean to sound mean or harsh, but yours is not the first post I have seen where someone is unhappy with an earlier choice because they won't deliver the goods they want.. and they want to force the issue and, well, to use another old cliché, "It's No Good if you Gotta Force It."

Redamancy • Nov 11, 2020

While i dont have any personal experience on the matter have you thought about getting bondage toys to play with? When put in bondage there is a sort of underlying dom/sub role so maybe this would be a good start.

Schatzi​(switch female){Yes} • Nov 22, 2020

I believe communication is paramount in any situation and we all fail to do so adequately from time to time...maybe something weighing heavily on our mind, maybe apprehension, etcetera. So take a step back and look at how you have approached the topic with him. Look for something you could have done just a bit differently to keep him in his comfort zone but let him see what you crave....books, pornographic material, maybe start with something on a smaller scale that he could slide into in the heat of the moment....

say while you are riding him grab his hands put them on your breasts and tell him to squeeze them or your nipples...when he does beg for it harder...use what you got to get the excitement and pleasure across to him...your voice, your movements and just build the tempo and keep taking him there.

If he says he is willing to try new things...bring the new things to him when YOU are in the vantage point to assert them. As he engages pull him deeper into what your asking for...let him see and feel he is turning you on like never before because you are getting that something a little rougher and different. You are a woman and we were born with a gift use it.

My apologies to any female who may be offended by those words but I am referencing a mindset to be worked with to overcome his worry of getting rough with her.

Just my two cents worth. I am very vocal when I want more of something from my Sir or I want it harder etcetera. If your man doesn't know where to start...help him out and give him something while you are in control to guide him to giving it rather than him floundering on the sidelines unsure.

It is worth a try.