Not sure I am right here...

Not sure I am right here...

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2021

Hi

I have a dynamic question that I would like some general feedback on.

So you have been talking to someone for a month or two. He is seeing other subs. You were supposed to meet and then he vanishes.

A year later you see him again and say hi. He then claims he does not want anyone else and you start talking again, but are slightly uncertain he will not vanish so you hold back and wait for him to write.

Is that then wrong as a sub?

I mean I gave you my trust the first time round and then you threw it away.
Would it then not be normal to mistrusting and let you prove to me you have changed?

Well he got angry and said he does not want to speak again or even consider despite great potential. For me he just validated being cautious.

What is the take away? And was I right?
I feel like if you are seriously interested something little like that would not shake a dom. He would try to work through it or not?

Any comments people?

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 29, 2021

I think you were definitely right to be cautious. I mean if he REALLY wanted you and no one else he had AMPLE time to write you and reach out to you but he chose not to. Just behaviour this time around also suggests that you were right to be cautious of him!

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 29, 2021

Hello,

1. Is it wrong of a sub?

Closed mouths don't get fed. It's not "wrong" to go hungry. It's your life.

2. I mean I gave you my trust the first time around and then you threw it away.
Would it then not be normal to mistrusting and let you prove to me you have changed?

Getting ghosted with no communication sucks. But if you speak to him, I doubt he saw this as "throwing your trust away." He just went with someone close. Two months of talking and a plan do not compare to two months in person.
It's normal to mistrust anyone. You are right to have your guard up in this situation.
As a man, if one woman tells me she loves/supports me and another says "prove this to me..." I already know who I'm choosing.

3. What is the takeaway? And was I right?
I feel like if you are seriously interested something little like that would not shake a dom. He would try to work through it or not?

You could have been right or wrong. I wasn't there.
You are right to be cautious and remain reserved around people who switch sides like clothes.
The takeaways should be that (first) no matter who you talk to, (for better or worse) people closer to them have higher exposure than you. Second, don't wait to have something proved. Go and confirm. Saves time and effort.

As far as shaking....just being a dom doesn't mean you can't be shaken in a conversation. If I had this talk with you right after a deployment, or a friend or family passed, or losing a promotion, a sharp turn in a convo like this could rub me wrong. We are all human.
He didn't have to be hurtful, but he might be hurting as well.

I do not know either of you, but I hope you both heal, move on, and actively find the one you're looking for.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2021

@ TO

Who would you choose and why?

As a man, if one woman tells me she loves/supports me and another says "prove this to me..." I already know who I'm choosing.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 29, 2021

I choose the former. Why? because I have needs/desires/limits/goals/stress etc etc. Everyone does.
Relationships are supposed to be a collection of benefits and experiences with someone you support, cherish, and trust. That bridge must be built and traveled upon by both sides.

The "prove this to me..." approach is good a method to start a challenge, a fight, or a race. But not as an open platform for people to share feelings and pursue the unknown.

Conversations have two people trying to share, learn and progress. This allows people to feel safe if they are wrong or misguided.
Challenges have winners and losers. Losing doesn't feel good, and winning can cloud your judgement concerning methods vs results.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 29, 2021

@Emma-

The comment you just made, "who would you choose and why?" You are a human being first, yes? Think about if you really want to spend any time with a person who you clearly already think is only interested in the low-hanging fruit. You need to value your submission (or no one will. DO YOU consider yourself worthy of having a Dom whom you can trust? A Dom who will demonstrate his interest? Trust is consistency, and if he can't be bothered to maintain his presence in your life, with good morning's and good night's, scheduled ( if need be) phone time, or together time; sorry but that is already enough of a red flag. If you think he can't be bothered because there is someone(someones?) else who are in his life not demanding fundamental respect...I'm afraid I'm confused as to why you would want him at all.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2021

I agree with you in terms of it should be a bridge and nice, but is that also a., not a little naive shit happens and life happens. That is where we come to point B. if you had my trust and you lost it because of something you did or failed to do, then it is your work to make it up. It was not meant from the beginning and why should I trust you not to do it again?

How come some "Doms" managed to trip over their own two feet and others just come through with flying colours?

I believe being a proper Dom is about actions and not attitude!

You can fuck up but then own your shit, apologize and make up for it. Especially if you expect the same from the sub. It is a two-way street.

And the first bird in my eyes has no self-respect.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2021

Do not get me wrong. That was the actual weird thing about this situation.
I was just saying hi with no intention.
I agree with you. Just because I am asking those questions does not mean I will let a man treat me as a doormat or else I would have apologized for the mistake he claimed me to have made, which I did not. And I would have bowed down to his snappy attitude from the get-go. I honestly believe there needs to be respected on both sides and it is a give and take. Despite mostly Instadoms, Narcissists, that think it is about I bark you jump, serve, adore, and do not have a say or an opinion.
This whole discussion is odd anyway.
When I wrote to him and it took him two days to respond, he was very nonchalant about my complaint. However, when I did not respond because I simply did not receive his texts for 5 days, he got huffy claiming I lied. I mean who would lie about something stupid like that, as it comes with a time stamp. Besides, he ignored my constant request to change to something less antiqued. And he had let me down before so I just wanted to see if you would vanish again.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 29, 2021

Nicely put. You can put that on the chopping block now.

dirmn​(dom male) • Jan 29, 2021

Dom, sub, or anything else, each individual has to own their actions and be able to humbly listen when someone feels wronged by them. That's just basic emotional health stuff. If someone can't do those things, they shouldn't be in relationships.

I think you saw some clear red flags, and whether they're objectively *real* or not is irrelevant - they're *your* red flags, and giving them the proper weight when you make decisions is the best thing you can do.