Save a D/s relationship, chronic pain and depression

Save a D/s relationship, chronic pain and depression

SuperEight​(sub female) • Feb 1, 2021

I've been having a really rough time for the past 6 months or so and it's affecting my dynamic. Without going into detail, I've had chronic pain and muscle spasms for the better part of a year and it's taken a toll. I'm exhausted all the time and what little energy I have has been going toward my job as I work 12 hour shifts.
This has left me with almost no energy for my personal life or for my dynamic. My Dom has been more than supportive but I know I've been irritable and argumentative in my weak moments. We can't play like we used to and quite frankly, I'm terrified of the pain I may experience when we do (not pain inflicted, just what I'm regularly experiencing). He knows all this and has pumped the brakes so to speak on our dynamic. We're still very much in a relationship but it doesn't reflect the D/s style that we both want. I'm frustrated and sad, feeling like I'm not a good sub to such an amazing Dom.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of problem? How'd you solve it?

The original Her​(switch female) • Feb 1, 2021

Well, I can't solve anything for you, I apologize, but I can totally understand where you come from. I struggle from chronic pain from my diseases, and while I'm normally able to push through the bad days, being immunocompromised and living away from my partner has made things difficult. I rarely get to see him (because his job requires him to go into the office, around people), and when I get to see him, I'm so exhausted and burnt out from everything else going on in my life. We haven't been kinky in months, and while I know he's fine with that and wants to make sure I'm feeling alright first, he's made a couple remarks about how we used to be. It's a complete hit to the ego in my case, and I also feel like I'm not being a good partner. We're still trying to figure out things, but I wanted to let you know that *you're not alone*. Things are difficult right now, and your body isn't being nice to you. Make sure that you give yourself as much gentle accommodation and support as he gives you, okay? <3

Sensualgent​(dom male) • Feb 1, 2021

Dear SuperEight, I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a nurse working through this pandemic, life must be horrendous as it is without additional pain and hardship. Thank you for all you do for our sick and vulnerable and I hope that you will sooner rather than later be able to take some time to help heal yourself.

For you, trapbunniebubs and all those suffering:

You can only do what your body and outside influences allow. You are good subs and partners having a hard time. It sounds like your doms know this and support you. Don't deprive them of their chance to shine.

Do you regularly let them know how you feel? In positive ways explaining what hurts physically and emotionally and how you appreciate their support?
Perhaps show them your posts.

Would receiving the support of psychologists or someone similar help you emotionally?
I'm not medically trained but I've seen enough to believe that emotional pain affects the body and vice versa. That Qigong, yoga and other mindful practices can be helpful. Of course I don't suggest not getting diagnosis and or going against doctors advice but what I'm trying to say is explore every avenue to health and never, ever give up.

Everyone is special in their own ways.
Be who you are and do what you can.
No one can ask more. Your doms and partners know this. I hope this is helpful.

Sending you love and strength.

SG

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 1, 2021

Cause and effect. If we knew what caused the pain and muscle spasms we'd have a better solution for you.
Personally when I had experienced similar problems it was from an injury that required physical theropy, proper meds, and a really hit shower every morning. At present after the physical theropy and not needing the meds I still need a really uot shower every morning just to function for daily activites. Of course the occasional dungeon party with a hot tub certainly helps.

DrWakko • Feb 1, 2021

The great thing about this lifestyle is you get to make your dynamic yours. Maybe it’s time to sit down with your Dom and renegotiate the dynamic.

And this also comes to play. When things open up again start going to play classes and tastings. You two might find something new to bring to play. Or when you two do play don’t play is hard or don’t play so hard for so long or make every x number of play sessions a hard one.

All the options are up to you. Good luck.

DW

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2021

Different for me. I'm busy! Problems not as severe as you. But have to keep up with memory. (Not that I struggle with memory) My Dom is not easily angered. You also need doctor's orders to not stress that hard! But with your career you need to find a source of assistance. So... Good luck!

You are lucky to meet a considerate Dom. (Not that my Dom wouldn't consider) But... covid has made it difficult to find reliable mentors! To recruit assistants to help with your wellbeing and communication. Are you poly? Meaning multiple people in a relationship to share trust? If not. Your Dom will need a minimum communication quota that does not need to be met daily. And maximum quota for month. Frequency not consistency.

And I don't suggest punishment for failure to meet quota unless you are really being unpleasant. The irritability is normal. People who don't have the tolerance and flexibility of some Doms will be angered and want to even fix you! If you are poly you can agree on a sister sub to share the news about you. A reliable one! Not a liar! You also need to know how long the both of you (D/s) can go without communication! Best of luck!

Worst case scenario is the dynamic collapses. Best case scenario you work around the challenges to meet each other! Be grateful you can still post here!

One more thing... find a better career with more stable hours without quitting first one too soon. A mentor or trusted friend could really help!

SuperEight​(sub female) • Apr 22, 2021

Thank you to everyone who's posted within this thread, I read and took to heart everything you've suggested. My Dom and I had several lengthy discussions about our relationship and we both agree that we get along and thrive best when we lean into the D/s dynamic, something as I've mentioned we'd been lacking. He expressed how he was fearful of causing undo pain during playtime and undo stress or responsibilities in our daily life. I explained all that I mentioned in my original post and how I'd like for us to address both of our fears. We've come up with some solutions that we are currently testing out.
On another note, I did end up receiving a diagnosis for my pain after the better part of a year of living with it. I am currently 2 weeks post spinal surgery to fix the severely herniated disc. As hard as that was (and will be for the remainder of my recovery), I feel miraculously better and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. It's been extremely difficult this past year but I am lucky to say that I WILL recover and it's not something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. Again, a big thank you to all of you, the support I've received from members of The Cage is extraordinary and I'm very grateful.

Dragonlove​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2021

So glad to hear that Supereight.

I just want to add, as a fellow chronic pain patient, do not push through the pain ever, just be as honest as you can all the time.

Sometimes we, CPPs, forget other people don't know it hurts all the time. It is hard.

Best of luck!! Sounds like you're on a good path

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 23, 2021

No pain or spasms, so can't help there but I can speak to the 12 hour hitches.. Nights, too. It is not the only reason by far, but to be sure a contributing reason as to why I don't do relationships.

Chronic pain

PeachRoseGa​(sub female){None } • Apr 24, 2021

I have chronic pain too. I started playing because having oragasams is the only thing that takes away the pain, especially when it is really bad. I don't have a caring partner, so have just been playing online. I started with hypnosis with nimja. That could help. I have learned how to cum on command, and when I am hurting so much I can't move, I can get out of pain that way. I hope this helps someone.