n/a option on gender or making profile invisible?

n/a option on gender or making profile invisible?

foobar{not u} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi, so i just activated my profile and was immediately inundated with messages of dudes trying to hit on my. Big surprise, right? I looked at removing my gender, since that seems to help, but there are limited options andno way to not give something or other. Is it possible to not list gender? I found that helps on other places.

Alternatively, is it possible to opt out of the profile appearing in searches for a specific gender? I've looked through the setting but haven't found anything.

Thanks!

Jashine • Oct 24, 2017

The problem might lie in the aggressiveness of your profile.

foobar{not u} • Oct 24, 2017

No. I edited my profile and changed my gender after being inundated with messages. They did not in fact stop after editing my profile, they only stopped after i changed my gender to male, i assume because it no longer shows up in gender based searches. It would be a shame though if the only option to stop the flood of unsolicited emails would be to pretend i'm not a woman. As it is, the site isn't super welcoming to women. Being able to opt out of the gender based search would make a huge difference. Hell, set it so people have to opt in to be visible on gender based searches.

Jashine • Oct 24, 2017

It's certainly a good question worth asking of the site administrators.

..."... site is not super welcoming to women ...".

Bella duPuy​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi there and welcome to theCAGE (not sure how old this post is).

I know wehave never interacted before, so I will preface my query with a statement that I am asking out of a genuine curiosity & concern.

How is this site not welcoming to women? And how has it not been welcoming to you, specifically?

Again, Welcome!

Thank you,
Bella

foobar{not u} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi Bella,

I just wrote a long-ish response, but it doesn't seem to have gone through. I believe you can see how old a post is if you look at the byline below the title.

I got about one message a minute from guys hitting on me from the moment I activated my account. That in itself creates a hostile environment. I think by now we know how fast those can turn abusive if you reject their advances or even just don't respond. It's also not very welcoming for queer women.

The only message I received that wasn't a pick up line was from a dude who gave me some condescending advice about getting "protection" and proceeded to call me a "fucking bitch" when I responded that I'm an adult and I don't need a man to protect me, but I expect people to treat me with respect and regard for my agency and autonomy regardless of gender.

I signed up originally because the site had a clear anti harrassment and misogyny stance that I liked. Sadly my first experience here wasn't in line with those ideals.

Let's hope this one comes through.

Bella duPuy​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 24, 2017

It is unfortunate that you've experienced the immaturity of males who possess little to communication skills. They (not just males) are all around us, regardless of sector of Life. We have a plan on how to deal with them, and then choose whether -
or not- to execute said plan in that Moment... Negotiating Life around & through knuckleheads is all part & parcel to this wonderful titillating ride. I hope you either "ignored" them (a great little feature offered here) or blocked or even reported them if they persisted with their unwanted advances.

With due respect, this is a site where You/you meet folks of like minds who are interested in expressing themselves sexually outside of the conventional, conservative norms and morays of Society. Among this group of people are those who are Dominant, charged up on testosterone & also those who march to the beat of their drummer even amongst our group lol ... And some are über hormonal and have NO knowledge or want of knowledge of how to control it, regardless of age. Handle them as their behaviour dictates after you've tried all reasonable means of communicating your lack of interest has been exhausted.

If all else fails, report them to Eva. She'll handle it.

What I can tell you from experience, especially if you #know what you want & have a firm grasp on the expectation of how others should treat you is to:
* stand your ground.
* be kind until they give you reason not to and
* give respect first to whomever you engage. Basic human courtesy.

You're not here alone & you don't have to go it alone. We're a pretty tight community and grow to care for one another quickly.

If you need an ear, I'm here just hit me up in my inbox or on the Bond and I'll respond as soon as I am able to.

I hope for the best for you.

Peace & Success in your search for You,
Bella

foobar{not u} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi Bella,

thanks for your kind words. I'm not new to either the internet or kink, I'm not surprised by any of this. I do however think there are technical ways to cut down on this kind of thing, like for instance making it an opt in feature to have your profile displayed when people search for profiles of a particular gander. Or have filters available, on what demographic can see your profile.

I know this site is new and still developing and I like the stated policy of wanting to keep the place as free as possible from harrassment and misogyny. Maybe there are already functions I can use to cut down on that kind of spam, or maybe some are being developed. I'm curious to hear about what's happening in this regard.

Personally, I'm not interested in a platform where I have to lie about my gender in order to not have to wade through heaps of unsolicited messages. And I don't think that's a reasonable expectation if you want to have a place that's welcoming for women.

Bella duPuy​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi there ?
I believe it safe for me to presume that your present modus operandi has been your flow on other sites, as well?

I'm curious, then, have you been successful in finding what or who it is you're searching for?

ThoughtMonster{Queer SM} • Oct 24, 2017

Hi Bella,

It sounds like you're telling chickflick that boys will be boys. I directed a bunch of people here, and so far, they've all been harassed by creepy assholes and cock pics in their inboxes. Your no harassment/misogyny policy looks great on paper, but so far, the reality seems worse than Fetlife, where at least they can't search and you can choose not to list gender. And your response that testosterone makes men unable to control their sexual urges or communicate like decent human beings is a really bad sign. I do hope that y'all figure this out, because as I said, it sounds really nice. I haven't seen any follow-through yet.