Encouraging my Dom

Encouraging my Dom

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2021

This is my first time posting on the forum, so hello.

I’m interested in thoughts on what I’m about to share, although it is very sensitive to me. I met someone through tinder that was just going to be a fwb, yet when we started hanging out and sleeping together things shifted. I felt the need to submit to him and he constantly displayed this strength that is just fantastic.

Fast forward several months... I have since brought up the conversation about bdsm. I told him I was submissive, and he shared with me his experiences and interests. He has had experimenting vanilla relationships, but I am his first sub. First actual dynamic. We are also very compatible with what we enjoy.

We have had play sessions that are pretty mild without a lot going on, just to keep things slow, but we both want more. I can’t tell him what to do or how to be. I’m doing my best in “guiding” us toward learning and not making mistakes.

What can I do to help encourage him to step into his Dominance? I’m not rushing him, but I don’t want him to feel overwhelmed with expectations.

Rivermxl • Apr 18, 2021

Hello, Guinevere. I have a question for you.

Is he a Dom? So far I've read that he is capable of doing things a Dom does, and he has been open to try things out, but none of this mean he is actually fully into the lifestyle, or at least not from what I've read.

This is important because even if he does this display of strenght and can be dominant sometimes, doesn't mean he is or wants to be a full time Dom. Clearest pointer to me would be that you two actually are in a dynamic, which would in turn make him a Dom in that sense, but I just wanted to be clear.

In any case and from my point of view a Dom is, in many ways, a provider. If you make your desires clearly known to him, he should feel his dominance step up to the occasion, if it is indeed there. It's almost an instinct, at least to me.

I wish you the best.

- River

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2021

Thank you, and thank you for your reply.

Is he a Dom? Yes, and we are in a dynamic. He has however commented that he felt like a fake Dom because of his lack of experience in the lifestyle/dynamic. At the same time, he wants to grow as a Dom, and values my submission.

The point of this post mostly is that I feel a bit of anxiety knowing more and having more experience. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with a Dom, even if we are going slow. There’s so much potential, and I want to be the best support for him. I’ve heard of many instances of experienced Doms helping new subs find their way, but not really in reverse.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 18, 2021

I've always loves the 'in your face' approach. Like if you got a thing for collars and floggers then put the collar in his hand and tantalizingly smack yourself with a flogger while saying something like "do ya thing you could help me with this?" Or "I need someone with your commanding presence to do this the right way, cause I'm just not sure I'm doing it right."

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2021

Thank you, I do see that approach as being very encouraging. I am his first experience with almost all toys, and different kinds of play so we have conversations beforehand, and somewhat planned play. I would love to do this with what he is already familiar with though.

Rivermxl • Apr 18, 2021

Then don't worry too much, he'll most likely come around in time and as long as you're comfortable; it should be a nice ride. If he's a certain type of person, he'll even step up to further educate himself to be a better Dom to you.

CSI • Apr 18, 2021

If he wants to learn, he will. Saying things like I am not rushing him and don't want them to feel overwhelmed with expectations is great, but you have to realize you cannot make him learn or guide him into being more "domly". If he asks for suggestions, you can guide him to some reputable websites you have found, or some social media pages, or some kink websites (like this one).

I can personally say whenever I have said "I know and have experienced more than him," it has led me to putting my sassy pants on and to topping from the bottom, and ultimately led to the downfall of those dynamics.

MrFulmen • Apr 18, 2021

It sounds to me like you're being very thoughtful about this, and probably doing a fine job already. Taking things slow and keeping your expectations light will be super helpful.

Some other things to think about:

1. In terms of play sessions, don't be afraid to tell him exactly what you crave, with clarity that these aren't things you expect from him but information about your desires for him to use. Then really show him your passion when he gives you any of it.

Feeling like you know how to push your submissive partner's sexy buttons and leave them impressed and fulfilled is an incredible confidence builder. It can help him feel free do demand what he wants if he knows that he has the power to give you lots of what you want.

2. If you're interested in power exchange outside of play sessions, you could negotiate a few narrow areas (what you’ll have for dinner, what you wear when you're with him) where he'll make all the decisions and you get to bring any questions you have to him for judgment.

It can be a lot easier to assume authority over a well-defined area than to just generally "be in charge," and the two of you could build up from there if you both wanted more.

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2021

This is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I can be very sassy in my vanilla life, but I don’t want to come across that way with him. Currently, I am doing as you said above... sharing information when asked. Maybe I need to reflect on my mindset.

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 18, 2021

Thank you. Also, this is very helpful.