Non-sexual online relationships?

Non-sexual online relationships?

kim xc • Aug 29, 2021

Hello, everyone!

Firstly, let me introduce myself and explain my situation a bit. I'm Kim, a young and sadly not too experienced submissive who has been interested in the different types of bdsm lifestyles. I originally joined this community with the intention to get more information, read blogs and ask people about their experiences. I wasn't expecting to even get the chance of getting into a Relationship online, serious or not. Why? I'm pretty insecure and paranoid. There is no way that I see myself sending nudes and pictures of me making a sexual facial expression for obvious reasons. I'm scared of trusting the wrong people and getting my life ruined.

Up until now, every dominant I talked to asked for nudes after a few hours or even minutes so I still don't think that a relationship will happen anytime soon. However, I saw replies to questions where submissives said that they don't send nudes to their dominant either, or dominants saying that they don't ask for revealing pictures.

I'm just wondering how it works. What are their relationships based on? Is it still sexual? And if so, how? Where's the focus and how do they do it in general? I have absolutely no idea how to imagine it. Could someone explain it, please?

CSI • Aug 29, 2021

It will be sexual eventually, most of the time. But a good dominant, in my opinion, will take their time with getting to know the person as a person rather than seeing what they can get them to do for them. It is getting to know one another on every level, from the mundane and boring to talking about kinks and insecurities. The "getting to know you" period should take longer than the lust and love bombing period. People cannot hide their true selves for an extended period of time, so the longer you take to get to know someone, the more you will get to see the true them (whether they are kind or insecure or jealous or quick to anger).

That being said, there is also people that thrive on being service submissives and littles (along with others) that occasionally do not have sexual dynamics at all, but are based more on services (chores, personal upkeep of/for the dominant) or a lifestyle (caregivers for littles make the littles feel secure and loved and are more of a mommy/daddy than a lover).

Jareth​(dom male) • Aug 29, 2021

To each their own, but any relationship I am in is based on far more than sex. Sex is definitely a piece of it and like anyone I want to see my partner nude or doing naughty things. That said, if I do not know the person, I am essentially looking at porn(online) or with a hook-up (real life).

Like I say, to each their own and I find nothing wrong in watching porn or having a hook-up if that’s what you want, but for me, I want a connection. A bond. I want my partner to want to send me nudes because of our relationship, not because she is pressured.

Online relationships, like any relationship, can be fulfilling in a myriad of ways beyond physical gratification.

Maxorde{Not lookin} • Aug 29, 2021

It can be. I know of some Doms (myself included) rhat do not require or ask for nudes, much less pictures at all. If a sub gives them to me, I accept gratefully and either jealously safeguard or immediately delete them. Yes the relationship can be intensely sexual, but it’s not a requirement.

cerealKiller​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2021

I also came to the cage as a newbie to all this, to learn and talk to people with more knowledge than me. I was approached by several Dom’s online asking to train me, and experienced them asking me for nudes straight up. I am shy and introverted about sex and would never In a million years have thought I would have shared not only pictures of myself, but very intimate thoughts too.
Then I met someone who has changed my life. We have been speaking for about 6 months now. He has been 100% respectful with me at all times. He has pushed me out of my comfort zone. He has opened my mind to who I really am sexually. He has made me feel amazing. He established trust with me and has not abused that trust.
Our relationship is so important to me now. There is no sexual aspect to it, other than the pleasure he gets seeing me submit, or the pure happiness I get freeing myself to be who I am.
When the time comes, and I’m ready to take what I’ve learned and find my rl Dom, he and I will end that relationship so I can then move to the next phase of discovery.
It took me a while to find him, persist in your journey. Know your limits and ask for them to be respected. But also push yourself, don’t be afraid to get out of those comfort zones. Amazing things can be found outside them. Xxc

Re: Non-sexual online relationships?

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 29, 2021

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You'll definitely get more than your fair share of Insta Doms... Dudes who can't get it through their skulls that although there is a Personals section in here, by and large this is not a dating site or virtual meat-market.

Anyway my POV is from the other side, in that I do not do relationships. it's all about getting laid and then getting lost.

But even coming from that perspective, I'll definitely say:

"No, sexuality is not a necessary component early in a relationship.. and sometimes never." It always should depend on the people involved.
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One thing though, I'd suggest you stick with Plan A if you want to learn about this BDSM stuff and reap the benefits of reading the experiences of others.

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IMHO:: Online shouldn't be the first place to go about looking for a decent partner to explore this shit with, because even with all the pics and photos in the world, you only get to see only the facet of their personality they want to show.

Online is one dimensional in that respect.

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I've bent your digital ear enough. Take it easy, take it slow and take it smart!

I_am_the_Sea​(sub male){One Day} • Aug 29, 2021

Back in my day we used to call non-sexual relationships "Friendships"

Would you send your friend a nude??
~I_am_the_Sea

AnastasiaMay​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2021

I just joined here a few days ago. I am educated on a lot of important things but I am new to the lifestyle. I find it very hard and intimidating to find someone online that doesn't require sexual content. I am a service sub and at times very similar to a little. I can also be a brat. I have many layers. I want a caregiver, someone to check up on me. make sure I am taking care of me daily. taking time away from caring for others and focus on me. someone to remind me that I am worth it. someone to be there to make me feel good about myself. I am not looking for a sexual dynamic at this time at all. and I too have had a few messages already insinuating that I need to send nudes in order to be a candidate for them. that's when I just block and move on. I know what I want and what i need. and I refuse to settle for anything less. I understand your frustration, and I also understand how overwhelming this can all be when you're new. But we all have to hang in there. Some day we will find someone that can tick all the boxes and it will be worth the wait. I wish you luck.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2021

Oars to your boat

A Dom who will value you wants to build a foundation of trust. This is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

A Dom who will *hit on you wants to get your quick submission. This is the foundation of a toxic relationship.

It can be confusing because arousal, orgasm and attachment occurs in both healthy and sick relationships.

Asking for a picture the first day, even if only a head shot, is an indication that they are looking more for a short lived 'get me off' than anything worthwhile or meaningful. That is my experience. I don't send even a head shot without investment in building a connection. If they are not interested in me (without my pic) I am not interested in them. That boundary was hard to establish. I very much like adventure, letting go and taking risk. In the realm of BDSM this caused a backlash of emotional pain. So for me, I developed a filter. This along with learning to trust my decisions has made me strong, less vulnerable and I have found that it brings me the people I like to connect with. Your life is precious and time is valuable. Don't waste time with anyone who doesn't respect you.

How it works? You first have to understand that there isn't one model. Each person has desires and are looking for someone to fulfill those desires. It takes time to find a person who wants the same thing you do. The kicker is to establish what it is you truly want as time goes by. Experiencing various Doms will help you determine what you want. When I say experiencing I don't mean submitting to various Doms ( though that is an individual choice) I mean conversation. Over time you hone in on your gut feelings and develop personal boundaries that will be the oars to your boat.


To your mention of being insecure and paranoid. Being careful, cautious and smart isn't paranoid. Those brakes are doing you a favor!
Also trusting a Dom doesn't mean submitting even when your uncomfortable. In the beginning, I trusted that I wanted to have fun more than I wanted to trust. Slow is better, more fulfilling and obviously safer on many levels. It can be frustrating to go slow but with the right person every step is enjoyable.

That being said, not all experiences or desires are for meaningful connections. Some are desiring a dopamine fix without a human connection. The choice is individual. Neither one is a model for how it is done.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 1, 2021

OK, well, sorry you had to deal with that, but one must consider the overall nature or reputation of a site like this and the others that are out there. They tend to get lumped into one category, that of an, at worst, hook-up site, and at least a glorified personals site. Neither is the case here although as I repeat on a lot of posts, The Cage does have a "Personal Ad" section.

When I joined at the end of November 2017, I was initially inundated by messages similar to what you have been getting. By and by, and through numerous variations of a theme on my profile that said, overall,

"Not Looking; Not Interested"-- blah blah, they finally got my drift.

I'm only in here to read the forums, post where I feel I can say something helpful, and answer messages. Yes I reply to all until the subject wanders over to "Meet and Beat my Meat" (or suck it, more likely)

No prob with any of that on my part except I only play with people I know and encounter offline, period.

So long windy post short, bide your time, make your preferences clear, and sooner or later, as happened for me finally, the dick-slingers will not darken your Inbox and someone in tune with what you're looking for may turn up.

Best of luck back at ya!!!