Where to start?
2 years ago • Oct 3, 2021
eyeswideopeninsocks(sub female) • Oct 3, 2021
I don't even know where to begin this, so I'll start where it began and maybe someone can help me understand what I am looking for. I have been in a relationship with my H for over 20 years. Our sex life has always been incredible, vanilla but incredible. I didn't know or think about anything other than what we had until about 1.5 years ago. I am a sex educator, and started listening to podcasts when I was gone for several weeks for professional development - which ended up intriguing me on a sexual and personal level. I shared this with my H, he listened to some of the same, and with me gone for so long, his imagination ran wild. When I returned we had THE weekend that changed everything. He planned an entire weekend of scenes, sex, fantasy exploration and fulfillment. There was some BDSM, things I had expressed interest in, and him fulfilling it. It came out of nowhere and I remember how I felt when it was over, my whole world had shifted, our relationship had shifted, I had shifted.
Some of this scared me, but mostly I wanted MORE It was several months before that happened, but we had another incredible weekend for my birthday. Both of our horizons began to expand. He realized he was exceptionally attracted to me in socks and skirts, and both started arriving in the mail weekly. Soon, any given Tuesday could turn into an evening of exploration. For him, what he calls body worship. For me, I love every minute of it. When we do scenes he is the dom and I am the sub, but I do enjoy flipping the script on him and he seems to as well. Whenever we can get the kids out of the house for a night we retreat into our (very rudimentary) "dungeon" and play for hours.
He has an outlet to explore and learn in porn. Porn just isn't my thing, I will watch it with him, but I have never really found much that really arouses me. I want to learn more, read more, explore more. When I am interested in something I want to learn EVERYTHING about it, and yet I don't even know where to look for anything. I don't think he is really a dom, though he embraces that role because *I* like it, and when he gets into it he does it well. He certainly has managed to blow my mind each time. However, sometimes I feel like he is almost more the sub bc he DOES get off on making me happy and giving me pleasure. I'm not sure if I am a sub, but I do love the full surrender, letting him tell me what to do, and do whatever he wants to me.
I just want to learn and explore more....I have been looking around here and fetlife and while I don't feel like we are anything unique or unusual, I also have not yet found something that really resonates with me. I am intrigued to go to some events, mostly out of curiosity at this point, but he has said that he is not interested in that at all, and I can't see myself going without him.
I don't know if I am looking for something too specific. I don't know if I am maybe holding back or afraid to look for something more. I do know that every time we play I love it and want more, more, more. I also know that my #1 priority is keeping my marriage and relationship secure, this is something we have started exploring together and I want to grow together. So....does this resonate with anyone? What am I looking for? Are there places to explore and learn with like minded people like us??
And if you got to the end of that....ty....