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Where to start?

eyeswideopeninsocks​(sub female)
9 months ago • Oct 3, 2021

Where to start?

I don't even know where to begin this, so I'll start where it began and maybe someone can help me understand what I am looking for. I have been in a relationship with my H for over 20 years. Our sex life has always been incredible, vanilla but incredible. I didn't know or think about anything other than what we had until about 1.5 years ago. I am a sex educator, and started listening to podcasts when I was gone for several weeks for professional development - which ended up intriguing me on a sexual and personal level. I shared this with my H, he listened to some of the same, and with me gone for so long, his imagination ran wild. When I returned we had THE weekend that changed everything. He planned an entire weekend of scenes, sex, fantasy exploration and fulfillment. There was some BDSM, things I had expressed interest in, and him fulfilling it. It came out of nowhere and I remember how I felt when it was over, my whole world had shifted, our relationship had shifted, I had shifted.

Some of this scared me, but mostly I wanted MORE icon_smile.gif It was several months before that happened, but we had another incredible weekend for my birthday. Both of our horizons began to expand. He realized he was exceptionally attracted to me in socks and skirts, and both started arriving in the mail weekly. Soon, any given Tuesday could turn into an evening of exploration. For him, what he calls body worship. For me, I love every minute of it. When we do scenes he is the dom and I am the sub, but I do enjoy flipping the script on him and he seems to as well. Whenever we can get the kids out of the house for a night we retreat into our (very rudimentary) "dungeon" and play for hours.

He has an outlet to explore and learn in porn. Porn just isn't my thing, I will watch it with him, but I have never really found much that really arouses me. I want to learn more, read more, explore more. When I am interested in something I want to learn EVERYTHING about it, and yet I don't even know where to look for anything. I don't think he is really a dom, though he embraces that role because *I* like it, and when he gets into it he does it well. He certainly has managed to blow my mind each time. However, sometimes I feel like he is almost more the sub bc he DOES get off on making me happy and giving me pleasure. I'm not sure if I am a sub, but I do love the full surrender, letting him tell me what to do, and do whatever he wants to me.

I just want to learn and explore more....I have been looking around here and fetlife and while I don't feel like we are anything unique or unusual, I also have not yet found something that really resonates with me. I am intrigued to go to some events, mostly out of curiosity at this point, but he has said that he is not interested in that at all, and I can't see myself going without him.

I don't know if I am looking for something too specific. I don't know if I am maybe holding back or afraid to look for something more. I do know that every time we play I love it and want more, more, more. I also know that my #1 priority is keeping my marriage and relationship secure, this is something we have started exploring together and I want to grow together. So....does this resonate with anyone? What am I looking for? Are there places to explore and learn with like minded people like us??

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And if you got to the end of that....ty....
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FlipSide1481​(dom male)
9 months ago • Oct 3, 2021
FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Oct 3, 2021
I got to the end of it easily you write well and clearly. What showed in reading it is that you are blindly casting a net. Not a bad thing at all let me recommend some books to you.

Different Loving - Gloria Brahme it explored alternative sexuality and what the participants get from it. It normalized for me.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - it is what it says it is.

The Loving Dominant - John and Libby Warren.

Erotic Awakening - Podcast, can't remember the names.

I did notice this in your thoughts:

" I don't think he is really a dom, though he embraces that role because *I* like it, and when he gets into it he does it well. He certainly has managed to blow my mind each time. However, sometimes I feel like he is almost more the sub bc he DOES get off on making me happy and giving me pleasure. I'm not sure if I am a sub, but I do love the full surrender, letting him tell me what to do, and do whatever he wants to me."

There is a common misconception/belief that a Dominant or submissive are always fully in that stereotypical role or that one needs to define it. I recommended most of those books as they focus and talk about the relationship and what healthy dominance is. It takes time as a healthy person to accept "hurting/using" your loved one, it is a journey and the porn will help him get ideas but the internal things are there as well. He might not be searching now but he will. Talk alot... I bet you already are...but worth mentioning again.

Enjoy the journey together and take all of this with a grain of salt.
ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){Caught}
9 months ago • Oct 3, 2021
Could your husband be a pleasure Dom? Sounds like it to me. When I first started reading, I was worried it was going to be that he wasn’t into BDSM at all.
I don’t really have any book recommendations, but I just wanted to say that D/s is what you make of it. As long as it’s safe and consensual, you can pick and choose what you like and make up your own rules too. That’s part of why it’s so exciting to me. You decide together what your dynamic will be.
eyeswideopeninsocks​(sub female)
9 months ago • Oct 3, 2021
FlipSide1481 wrote:
I got to the end of it easily you write well and clearly. What showed in reading it is that you are blindly casting a net. Not a bad thing at all let me recommend some books to you.

Different Loving - Gloria Brahme it explored alternative sexuality and what the participants get from it. It normalized for me.

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - it is what it says it is.

The Loving Dominant - John and Libby Warren.

Erotic Awakening - Podcast, can't remember the names.

I did notice this in your thoughts:

" I don't think he is really a dom, though he embraces that role because *I* like it, and when he gets into it he does it well. He certainly has managed to blow my mind each time. However, sometimes I feel like he is almost more the sub bc he DOES get off on making me happy and giving me pleasure. I'm not sure if I am a sub, but I do love the full surrender, letting him tell me what to do, and do whatever he wants to me."

There is a common misconception/belief that a Dominant or submissive are always fully in that stereotypical role or that one needs to define it. I recommended most of those books as they focus and talk about the relationship and what healthy dominance is. It takes time as a healthy person to accept "hurting/using" your loved one, it is a journey and the porn will help him get ideas but the internal things are there as well. He might not be searching now but he will. Talk alot... I bet you already are...but worth mentioning again.

Enjoy the journey together and take all of this with a grain of salt.


Thank you for your thoughts and what you say makes a lot of sense. The books sound like a great place to start. We do talk a lot about it and keep finding new things that interest us both. It's been a lot of fun. Thank you for those recommendations.
eyeswideopeninsocks​(sub female)
9 months ago • Oct 3, 2021
ButterfliesAndCuffs wrote:
Could your husband be a pleasure Dom? Sounds like it to me. When I first started reading, I was worried it was going to be that he wasn’t into BDSM at all.
I don’t really have any book recommendations, but I just wanted to say that D/s is what you make of it. As long as it’s safe and consensual, you can pick and choose what you like and make up your own rules too. That’s part of why it’s so exciting to me. You decide together what your dynamic will be.


Pleasure Dom sounds like a possibility, I will look into it! Yes, I can see that it is what you make of it. Maybe I have been looking for some sort of "guide" to follow when really we get to make up our own guide. So thank you for that permission to go in whatever direction we choose to go. He has really enjoyed planning the experiences for me, (often based on things I have said) I don't want to take that away from him, but I also want to learn more about what I like, so we can keep growing together. Thank you!