Should Dominants be in control?

Should Dominants be in control?

CSI • Feb 6, 2022

I have heard the until a Dominant can control themselves, they should not control another. Do you agree or disagree? Would there be exceptions to the rule? If you see a potential Dominant behaving poorly on social media or other platforms, would you still consider continuing on with them or is that a gray area depending on the behaviour?

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2022

This topic in my opinion falls under what makes a good Dom. If you find a dom on another social media site acting poorly call them on it and this goes for any side of the slash. If they tell you that they enjoy trolling a certain thread or likes to push buttons on certain threads and explain why then you know. If you call them on their behavior and they see nothing wrong with it, then you might want to throw a red flag at how they handle themselves.

Re: Should Dominants be in control?

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Feb 6, 2022

Of course a dominant should be able to control his or her self before thinking they can exercise any modicum of control over anyone else. To me that's just common sense. I see it here, in particular, where a few come off as surly and petulant. I see quite a bit of self--pity being portrayed by a handful - it gets displayed in defensive posturing and complaints like: "All these subs are fake and poorly behaved!" The truth, however, as you get to the bottom of it is that they are poor communicators themselves and just don't have what a sub might be looking for. In light of their unmet needs they resort to chronic complaining and challenging other people as some kind of effort to place blame outside themselves. They're incapable of seeing the problem lies with them.

Poor behavior, on the other hand, is subjective - firmly trying to correct a misleading statement may come across as being testy to onlookers but it helps to see if they repeat that pattern in all of their interactions. I'm having keyboard trouble so that's the best I can come up with for now. I did want to put my truncated two cents out there though because a handful have been especially confrontational lately.

Blondie​(sub female){Collared} • Feb 6, 2022

I would say that in most walks of life a tantrum and self-pity are unattractive. We all have our moments when we lose our cool, but when it happens on the regular it shows childish and, dare I say, narcissist behavior. You certainly wouldn't want this person controlling anything like a company or a country, so why would you allow them to control you as a submissive?

Defender​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2022

May I shift the discussion very slightly?

As in : can a Dominant be "too much" in control?

Especially self-control.

I have self-control.

(Even when I might be tempted to get into a slanging match on here, I don't! No names.)

But don't some subs, or most subs (but only some of the time) want their Dom to "lose it" occasionally?


Ice-cold self-control ALL the time. Is that sexy to everyone?

I guess I'm thinking of "primal play" here. Where a sub might want their partner to go "all animalistic".

Going primal vs self-control. Can that be difficult to balance?

Perspectives from male Doms particularly welcome.

Miki • Feb 6, 2022

The door swings both ways on this one.

Sure, dominants ought to be able to control themselves before seeking to control others, but so should anyone else who wants call themselves adults.

Dominants, submissives, even "non-lifestyle" people like me who is only a sexual masochist and everything else in my day-to-day is referred to by some who like to do the "label" thing--- vanilla. -- Meaning of course to talk to me or otherwise do business with me outside the bedroom or dungeon, one would never know I like it rough. I'm also a brat. Whether that falls under the category of "lacking control" or not --- is a matter of opinion.

But that's beside the point. To keep it simple and on-topic: "Yes a dominant should be able to control him/herself first -- like everyone else.

harleyqt​(sub female) • Feb 6, 2022

I think it depends on the situation. My advice is to use your best judgment on this one. Do you feel safe with this Dom? Trust is key in any relationship, and it's huge to have trust if you want to submit to another person.

However, Doms are humans too and they all have their own set of insecurities, flaws and past traumas just like everyone else. You have to know what you're willing to accept and what you won't.

Trust your gut. If you don't think your Dom has self control, do you feel safe having Him/Her control you?

Too often submissives (myself included) put Doms on a pedestal and we want to think they are above irrational behavior but I've found this to be very untrue. Most Doms need to be in control to feel safe and secure.

Just like we expect them to care for us and protect them, in reality we have to do the same for them.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Feb 7, 2022

??? Are we talking about on line or real life??
* only asking because of the replies

CSI • Feb 7, 2022

Good question. I was asking specifically because of behaviours noted on here that made wonder about what it "should" be in a broader context. But I am sure I would also think twice about someone if I saw them behaving poorly at a dungeon or a munch.

Also complicating the situation was something mentioned above that you don't necessarily want them to always be in control. But I think they should be able to control themselves like if someone safewords in a context like that. Now I have certainly made that as clear as mud....lol

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Feb 7, 2022

I think that in both places ( here and real life) a Dom should be able to control ones self in the same areas that they want their subs to learn control and are controlled by them.

And more importantly in real life I think they should be able to control thibg in their own life , such as their temper, money ( the ability to pay thier bills and such), ect