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Bunnie
1 year ago • Apr 18, 2022

S&m

Bunnie • Apr 18, 2022
A call out please to those experienced in S&m who have used a contract to negotiate scenes. I am seeking if possible, either an example of a contract itself, or questions/terms negotiated. I am currently negotiating a scene, and just want to be sure there aren’t things I’ve overlooked or didn’t know to ask.

This isn’t a thread for opinions on contracts or “personal accounts” on how wonderfully Sadistic or masochistic you are.

I am seeking real information from people with real life knowledge and experience please.

Thank you to whoever may be able to help icon_smile.gif
Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker}
1 year ago • Apr 18, 2022
Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Apr 18, 2022
I've had a fair amount of experience with sado/maso pickup play in the last 25 years but have never worked on drawing up a contract for what amounts to a 45-90 minute play session. That's not me expressing an opinion on contracts, but rather expressing confusion over exactly what kind of scene you're talking about. Is this something you're contracting for as being an ongoing and repeat performance type of play dynamic?
Bunnie
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Bunnie • Apr 19, 2022
@ Spellbound Wytch,


I think perhaps the key to your confusion is where you say you do “pick-up play.”

I personally and very consciously choose not to engage in pick-up play. Especially when it involves S&m.

I practice negotiated, opt-in, play. At least until we know each other well enough to consider shifting to opt-out styles of scenes. Planning together, for however long is required beforehand, to cover as many variables as possible, to make sure we are both on precisely the same page. The goal behind this being to enable us to explore our desired curiosity in a way that mitigates as much as is possible, any potential harm to *either of U/us* (mentally, physically and emotionally).

As I said in the initial post though, although I do appreciate your contribution, this is not a discussion post about “how I S&m.” I am seeking information or resources from those with the experience of negotiating in this way. If you’d like to discuss the in’s and out’s of your style of playing, another thread might be a great idea to allow those who can relate, to connect with each other icon_smile.gif
Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker}
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Apr 19, 2022
Bunnie wrote:
I think perhaps the key to your confusion is where you say you do “pick-up play.” I personally and very consciously choose not to engage in pick-up play. Especially when it involves S&m.
We differ in not only our semantics regarding casual play partners but also in our understanding of sadomasochism as well. I hope you find some satisfactory responses to your question and experience an equally satisfying scene. 🙃
Zelia
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Zelia • Apr 19, 2022
Pick-up-play
Opt-in-play
Are both of these ways of saying play outside of a committed dynamic? Are they not both the same?
Bunnie
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Bunnie • Apr 19, 2022
I’ve started another thread that has some really great resources in regards to negotiation (and answers your questions @JustAlice and any others you may possibly have), done by some very well known educators within the BDSM community. It can be found here:

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=4651
Zelia
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Zelia • Apr 19, 2022
Thanks I don’t have a fet acc so can’t access it. I never negotiate scenes/sessions. My relationship is M/s and we never discuss prior to engaging.
Good luck with your own negotiations, I think it’s a great way forward in order to ensure peace of mind, the ability to relax into something and to ensure safety. I can see why it would work.
vultor​(dom male)
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
vultor​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2022
One of the things I have learnt from doing contracts is that I sitting down and really dissecting what the needs of each person are is that best way to start a contract.

I’ve always tried to use a simple layout to make sure no on misunderstands it, such as;

. What we as individuals want out of the session (assuming you’ve prior sat down with said person and spoke through the things that would make a session fulfilling), this is one of the harder steps simply due to the fact that compromises might have to be made in order to keep the safety of the session at a high level.

This also should cover just this session. From what you’ve written, you want it to only be valid for this one play session and a set period of time. Make sure that, that is written in there from the start so that neither person can state ‘well I forgot’ or some other bollocks.

. Then I would highlight any potential risks that can arise from performing certain kinks. For instance, you may enjoy nine tail whips, but the other person may be inexperienced in them yet willing to try them. This would usually be phrased as such (when I do contracts)

-> Nine tail whip: Whilst this may be used during our session, excessive usage on one area can lead to skin breakages and so to avoid that, only a few repetitive strikes will be used so that bruising is kept at the requested level. If this limit is reached and either party doesn’t feel safe or comfortable continuing with this activity, then the word ‘rain’ shall be spoken aloud. If for whatever reason, speaking is impossible, then a hand gesture of 2 fingers shall be used in replacement.

A part that I believe is over looked so frequently is simply analysing the hazard of toys, as it’s so easy to just blanket statement ‘I love pain’. This leads others into either overusing certain things causing unenjoyable pain, or underusing it and not causing enough pain.


I do hope this helps! Let me know if you’d like anymore help on this matter (as I myself am still learning, though I am always happy to share ideas between others)
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Bunnie
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
Bunnie • Apr 19, 2022
@vultor,

This really helps a lot, thank you! I hadn’t considered breaking down each aspect of the risks like that, however, your example definitely showed the importance of it.
vultor​(dom male)
1 year ago • Apr 19, 2022
vultor​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2022
That’s okay Bunnie

If you have anymore questions or wanna simply talk about contracts, I am always happy to do so!

😊