Poly relationship

Poly relationship

Cie​(sub female){SirA} • Jul 30, 2022

Hi everyone,
First of all I'm happily owned by a poly dom. After being with him for few months and counting, I'm wondering few things. Do hope you guys can give some opinions on them...

1. Do the subs have ranking in the relationship?
2. Is it ok to feel out of place when meeting other subs?

Zelia • Jul 31, 2022

Hi there.
Your first question can only be answered by your Dom. It varies between Doms, and even changes over time for the same Dom. In terms of meeting other subs it’s the same as meeting anyone new. There will be times when it will all fall easily into place and other times when you’ll need time to adjust and evaluate things.
I hope you have a long and happy relationship.

ursa​(sub female) • Aug 1, 2022

I think Alaïs answered your first question very well - every poly dynamic is a little different. For some dynamics, a sense of heirarchy is very clear and desired. For others, the opposite is true. For my own dynamics, there is no "hierarchy" between partners, but there is an understanding that some of my Master's other partners hold positions in His life that I do not encroach on. While I have multiple partners as well, and although I (almost ;p) always obey His command, there are some parts of my life that I spend with my other partners and He understands this. In this way, there is not a heirarchy, but certain partners almost hold "dominion" over certain areas or activities.

If you are unsure or feeling insecure in your place, you should address this with your Dom. Even without BDSM, and really even without poly, I believe that feelings of insecurity should be discussed openly - but these discussions become more crucial when more partners are involved. It's natural to feel a little jealous or insecure when other partners are involved, and your partner is the best person to discuss those feelings with.

Answering your second question - I think it's always okay to feel out of place in any social situation. We can't be expected to immediately hit it off with everyone we meet or feel 100% confident in a given situation. However, I think that these feelings can develop into bigger problems if they are not acknowledged, or if interactions with other subs go too far out of your comfort zone. Learning where your own comfort zone is here can take time, and it's important to make sure your Dom is aware of what makes you feel more or less comfortable as you grow together.

For example, I have two partners that are friendly with eachother, and sometimes we'll all hang out in a non-romantic capacity. However, as we have all discussed, they are more comfortable if I don't act "romantic" with either of them in these scenarios. For example, if we all go out to a bar, I'll keep PDA with both of them to a minimum, and we'll all grab our own cheques after (as sometimes getting the cheque for my meal is seen as a romantic or perhaps even possessive gesture). However, it would be appropriate for me to have a dance or private conversation with each partner while we are all out. As we all developed our various relationships, we have also communicagted and developed understandings about how we each feel about different things when other partners are around. Hand-holding = good, kisses good-bye = good, full-on make-outs = bad, talking in detail about the sex we had the other night = bad. These "rules" might seem trivial to others, but it is what we have all discussed and abiding by them makes everyone feel respected and comfortable.

I dunno what would make you more or less comfortable as you interact with others in your polycule, but as you learn what makes you comfortable, tell Him everything you can - this will help both of you navigate.

Cie​(sub female){SirA} • Aug 2, 2022

Thank you for the reply and insight, Alaïs and Ursa

purplevelvet​(dom male) • Aug 6, 2022

Hi Cie,

Interesting topic for sure. Here are my thoughts on this;

1) Only if you're comfortable with it.

If I were in your situation, I'd ask for expectations to be set very early on. Think about what scenarios would fit your needs and desires, both in and out of play.

The question leading up to a conclusion on this can be pretty straight forward without anyone having to raise their defences: "To what degree do you expect me to be romantically involved with your other partners? How do you propose we balance ourselves against one another to make this dynamic work in the best possible way for all of us? How do we check in with each other to make sure we're all onboard with what's going on?".

2) You can't control how you feel, only how you react to those feelings.

Of course it's ok to feel out of place when meeting other subs. Try to think about where that energy comes from - are you nervous because it's someone new? Are you afraid you will be jealous? Are you anxious about your place in the hierarchy (as per question one)? Is it because you don't think he will give you the attention you need?

Introduce these thoughts to your Dom and help him help you on how to prepare for your meeting with the new sub. If you're going into a setting where you're uncomfortable or where your sensitivity is on edge, I'm sure he'll appreciate the opportunity to provide you with mental support. Poly is a team sport, after all.

pennywise​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2022

You said a Poly Dom.

So let me ask this, is the Dom the only one who gets to have relationships with people other than yourself?

Polyamory is about all parties within the group being able to maintain multiple romantic relationships if they choose to.

It’s really aggravating that anytime there’s more than 2 people in a relationship that it’s automatically just poly. That’s not the case.

My partner and I are non-monogamous, we’re NOT polyamorous.

We allow each other space to have sessions and sexual encounters outside our personal relationship with each other.

Our dynamic and love for each other have nothing to do with who we fuck. We find that notion to be utterly ridiculous.

So unless everyone in the group you’re in gets to have romantic relationships with others of their choosing, I think defining your dynamic as Poly may be off base a bit.

Food for thought I guess.

Zelia • Aug 9, 2022

She said her Dom was poly, has an/other submissive/s; I’m assuming that entails a lasting committed relationship with at least one other. Can’t He be poly irregardless of whether she is or not?

pennywise​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2022

From the Oxford:

“characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.”

So yes I suppose he can, as long as he’s not forbidding her from another. That would not be in the spirit of Poly.

As I think about it, we really shouldn’t be using this term in BDSM at all.

I’ve seen Houses where there is a single Master and over 20 slaves. Is that poly? Outsiders would call it that.

But as slaves those people, male or female, have no right to do anything of their own free will.

So while one may look upon this as poly, it really isn’t at all.

‍♂️

Zelia • Aug 9, 2022

Surely whether or not He can deny her another relationship depends on the degree of power exchange?

Someone who practices BDSM can be poly. They’re not excluded, but similarly you can be poly and not practice BDSM.

I would say that the Master with 20 slaves is poly if He has long term, caring relationships with His slaves, the slaves chose to give up the choice to the Master. At one stage they did made that choice and I expect they could request release.

All of that said I don’t think the definitions make any difference to the questions the OP was asking.

pennywise​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2022

I suppose.

I wouldn’t look at it that way, but I wouldn’t go so far as to disagree with you.

Personally, as someone who gets mistakenly called poly every single day, I’d prefer a more strict interpretation.

Anyway. Take care.