Juggling time between spouse and submissive partner

Juggling time between spouse and submissive partner

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Looking for some thoughts and suggestions.
Happily married man for several years also maintaining a ds relationship with another partner. The marriage is open so there is no deception involved. The challenge has been sharing time on a daily basis between both partners. My sub requires a great deal of attention and I absolutely want to provide it but not at the expense of interrupting family life. Thhe time for my sub is mostly online chatting, performing tasks, or anything else we can think of that is not in person) we do meet in person about once per month. We have tried making rules where certain times of day I'm not available because they are dedicated family time (I.e dinner, date nights, etc..) but it has never worked. Inevitably, lonliness, and sometimes jealously creeps in and my sub begins to spiral somewhat emotionally. This can be quite distressing for all of us and Inevitably puts a strain on both relationships. Looking for some advice on how others in similar situations or polyamorous relationships have approached this.

Thanks in advance

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 18, 2022

Uhh Ohh.. This sub could be a nice person on the surface, but if she won't listen to what you're saying about her fair-share of availability and attention-- or worse, hears you but insists on her own way to the point of doing the Emo thing-- that's a recipe for a shit sandwich-- toasted, with sesame seeds.

You didn't mention (or I didn't see it) , but how long has this B-movie been playing? If not too long, try one more time and inform her what's what on no uncertain terms and if the game continues, pull the fucking plug.

This sort of thing happens so often it's a freakin' cliche. If you let the fuse burn too long it will blow up in your face. (I'm just following a pattern often seen in movies based on things like this)

You might start hearing about suicidal ideation and other assorted mega guilt trips

So, , unless she cuts the B S, you're in for a bad ending to a lousy movie.-----Except you don't simply get up and leave the cinema after it ends. You get to take it home with you, for a good amount of time.

All I can say is: "No matter how hard you try, You Can't Polish The Loaf".

Flush the proverbial crapper.

reticent​(sub female) • Dec 18, 2022

Not everyone is built for polyamory, sounds to me like the sub might have stronger feelings for you than she is admitting and may have gotten into an arrangement she is not emotionally capable of dealing with. Being single is hard, especially when you add in things like Kinks being deal breakers; it shrinks the dating pool exponentially and it can be extremely difficult to find a compatible partner. I myself have been single for over 6 years now - the first half on purpose and the second because I haven't found the right match, so I can see why some would try to go the poly route even if it's something they might not be totally comfortable with; because they come across somebody that fits what they're looking for - but are already involved with or married to somebody. If your boundaries aren't being respected and she is emotionally spiralling because she's only seeing you 12 times a year and not getting what she needs from you, the kinder thing might be to end the arrangement.

Just some thoughts based on the limited info provided. But I'm also the monogamous type so I'm definitely biased against the whole poly thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

CSI • Dec 18, 2022

I have previously been that submissive you are describing. It can become all encompassing to think about your dominant, and the more you try to not think about it, the more pervasive it becomes. And then you start thinking "I know we agreed to not talking now, but I wonder what he is doing. It wouldn't hurt to message and see if he is free". Especially if she gets a response (whether it's good or bad is irrelevant) then she thinks it's fine. Also, the thought of "I need him to remember me, think of me always and maybe he will choose me first and above his primary" is also usually there, even if it is subconscious, even if she has said that isn't the case and she is logically aware of it. Sometimes emotions take over and the sub feels out of control and feels as though she needs the one who calms them.

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you both for your feedback. In fairness, there are in fact many details about the long history that have not been shared and make the whole situation much more complex, but I think the message from both replies is consistent. It might be the wiser choice to set ourselves free on the D/s relationship.

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

This is extremely accurate. Were you able to find a solution?

CSI • Dec 18, 2022

I did a lot of introspection and figured out why I was being so needy and couldn't entertain myself. I ultimately figured out that I felt so important and special when I was in a dynamic, I went way overboard to make sure it wasn't going to end. Which, perhaps unironically, is why it ended. So now I have found that if I sit and breathe and keep myself busy and happy, it works far better than expecting or needing another person to do and be my everything. I can't be in someone's face all the time and still expect them to desire and need me when that space isn't there for positive tension, flirting and fun.

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you so much for sharing. This is very helpful.

reticent​(sub female) • Dec 18, 2022

Absolutely! It's very hard to know everything about a situation when only given a few sentences from one party involved.

I also just had a thought while I was making breakfast ... setting boundaries is all well and good but if you don't respect them yourself enough to enforce them, you can't really expect anybody else to. And this sort of touches a bit on the other subs insightful comments - and I say this with 0 judgement to any parties involved because the information is so limited - but you say you set times that you are going to be unavailable to her like date night with your wife and family dinner time. I wonder how she is intruding on these times? Showing up at your door and demanding attention - absolutely unacceptable, calling incessantly until you pick up/to bypass a DND setting, also unacceptable. Or is she doing something like sending a text or email? I have always been of the opinion that those are things you check when you have time to read and respond to them, and that has become a stronger and stronger opinion as technology has developed and we went from flip phones to pocket sized (well ... men's pocket sized at least) computers that give you endless options for muting all notifications from everything from one single person for a specific amount of time, to entire apps to every single notification from the phone period unless it's an emergency or a contact specifically set as an exception. So if she is sending you a text during your unavailable time - and you are reading and responding to it during that time (ie making yourself available to her), I would argue that's more on you than on her. If you don't have the will power to leave the text unread, then mute her notifications. If you're not taking any steps to reinforce the boundary how can you expect her to respect it?

Now that I've mulled this over while typing... Isn't this situation literally why voicemail was invented? If you weren't there or available to take a call, the person who had something to say or ask you could leave a message - to be listened to and responded to when you are available? lol

Again no shade to you or her - like we've said a few times, it's hard to know the details and how complicated a situation is with such limited information.

Either way I hope you 3 figure out what's best for all of you and find a way to move forward and get to a point where you are all happy and getting what you need from each other!

Sorry this was so long. I ramble sometimes 🙃

Good luck!

DelightfullyDominant​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

You need to talk to your sub and see where she is emotionally and what her needs are. People change and her needs may have grown from where you started. Arrive at a workable solution if you can. Make sure you are open and honest about what you can offer and discuss in detail about the discrepancies between what she needs and what you can provide. This can potentially be a hard conversation, but understanding her needs and letting her know your limitations (even if you had agreed on beforehand) can help her deal with it or enable both of you to make an informed decision on what’s best for both of you. Some compassion, empathy, and kindness goes a long way.