How do I get to where they are?

How do I get to where they are?

Pandaish​(sub female){Mr Gregory} • Dec 22, 2022

I've always been a slut. From that first xbox masterbation session to hook ups in the forest but what i am recently learning about myself is that i want, no, need to be made to submit. With GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) along with a plethora of other issues (cptsd, depression, and neurodivervence) I have found that its hard for me to release control. I have mainly been a little sub for the majorty of my life in bdsm but i feel asn even though it helpes me with my unhealed trauman I need more in order to reach that nirvana or pure submission. I have been married for 5 years and my husband and i and on this journey together. I feel as though he doesnt know how to be the dominant i need him to be to get me there and i also feel that i dont know how to properly preform as a sub.
So how do he and i get to be there. That apex of storybook submission and obedience. How do i get him to understand and demonstrate the small dominant things. Like phrases and how to speak dominantly. How do i tell him i want to be by the door on my knees in the submissive position for him and have him do to me what i need him to do without making him feel like he isnt enough when that isnt totally the case. Its not that he cant make me orgasm or anything, i just.....dont submit.

Solace​(dom male) • Dec 22, 2022

If you want the world to change you have to be the first one to. Its a silly little quote but essentially if you want your husband to learn how to be dominant in the relationship he needs to receive submission from you and see pleasures from it. As a consent based community, you have to choose to be submissive. "I just....don't submit" doesn't work here if you want this thing to be with him.

I am unaware of your husband or your level of knowledge in this lifestyle, but he may need to browse some of what it offers like its a catalog or brochure before he learns things he is interested in. If he is interested. Being dominant is not a casual thing, it can be very demanding just like being a sub can be.

My half penny of advice is to not push so hard on this that it strains your relationship. You married the man because you loved him and unless he is interested this could be a big ask and a lot of pressure when his dominant style and your submissive style may not be directly compatible. I am not saying there isn't hope or to give up, but I suggest you take it slowly, start with listing mutual interests, chores, rewards, and punishments.

You're doing the right thing by asking the community.

Bunnie • Dec 23, 2022

I love the advice @Solace gave you, and completely agree.

Something I want to add that I’ve found has made leaps and bounds in how I submit is… stop comparing yourself and your husband, to others.
If you compare him to another Dominant, this damages your ability to see the ways in which *He is his own style of Dominant*. And if you compare yourself to other submissives, this damages your ability to see the ways in which you are *your own style of submissive*. And most damaging of all… if you compare your relationship to dynamics you see elsewhere… especially online, it only stunts and damages the ability you both have to make your relationship your own flavour of the blend of you both.

So, how then do you create your own blend? Communication. Talking and listening. Hearing eachother and valuing eachother. Constantly choosing eachother, regardless of how difficult the path may be. Having a shared goal of what you both want… and most importantly… determining for yourselves, how you want that to look. Sit down together and write it out like a meeting, if you need to at first. Just start somewhere. The most important thing is to keep that line of honesty and transparency open. Keep revisiting anything and everything as much as is needed.

If you’re here… bring him here to learn also. Share things you find interesting that you read in different places. There is no end destination… it’s the journey that is where the magic is

Beautiful eyes​(sub female){Taken} • Dec 23, 2022

You have a strong idea of what a dom is like in your mind, have you spoke about things with him.

Do research together, every dynamic is different.
Communication is key.

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 23, 2022

....remember--- above all else (from the initial post) Set aside the "storybook" expectations. The reality of doing this shit can be fun and rewarding but nothing about life is like a storybook------ except an actual storybook.

While aiming too low can lead to underachieving, too high a bar leads to disappointment. But at least starting out with modest expectations and increasing hopes and expectations as (hopefully) the interaction quality does is much more fun than having to lower the bar / dumb it down due to the reaching of either of your ceilings, and there will be a ceiling.

Pandaish​(sub female){Mr Gregory} • Dec 23, 2022

Thank you all for helping, it is al very good advice and I am excited to see where we can grow to. He is also very involved and has his own profile as well. We will both and have both read and will read comments and take all advice to heart.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 23, 2022

First, I looked at your profile and see you are new to this site. WELCOME! There are a lot of good people on this site and there are a lot of...well...not so much.

Just take it slow and if you have to take breaks during play time or from submitting in general...take them. I know that things in this lifestyle (playing or just submitting) can get overwhelming at times and that is hard on a person with an anxiety disorder. Just remember that this isn't a race to get to a finish line, not a contest of who is the better submissive to their dominant, nor who has done more types of play, etc.

Being that you are a person with an anxiety disorder and other issues, you know you feel things more intensely than those who don't or I should state that you react more intensely than others. It's wonderful that you are aware of your situation and that you don't let it stop you from being your true self.

Just a heads up: don't take every piece of advice to heart. There are a lot of people on sites like this who dispense advice but don't have any actual experience in being a dominant nor submissive and certainly don't understand the complexities of either role. Just go with what works for you, and yours, and at your own pace.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 23, 2022

Hey again,

I reread your post and I realized I missed your true question: how to get your husband to be the dominant that you want him to be.

Well...there lies the rub. You can't force him to do anything or rather make him force you to do anything, otherwise you would be the dominant in the relationship and him the submissive, which I'm guessing that is NOT what either of you desire.

You two are exploring this lifestyle together, according to your post....so....ask him to explore the things you wish to do to show your devotion to him. If it doesn't work for him then you have to discover what does work for the both of you. Just like in any relationship, you don't always get everything that you desire from your partner. I'm not sure if you have already discussed these needs with him or not, but remember that Dom/Masters....are not mind readers and vice versa. Overtime they do get to know their submissive/slave, but that doesn't mean they know what you are thinking at any given time.

I don't know if you have done any reading on the subject, but I always recommend reading just about anything by Jay Wiseman (seriously, his last name says it all), Slave Craft by Guy Baldwin, Different Loving by Gloria Brame....and read the prefaces.

Re: How do I get to where they are?

aceaceace​(sub female) • Dec 23, 2022

Writing this before I browse other responses, so apologies if my answer echoes others.
You can't make an apple into an orange. It sounds like your husband isn't very dominant in and out of a bdsm space. Maybe he's more on the Pleasure Dom side?

You said something which I quoted above: "storybook". Real life isn't storybook and if that's what you're looking for you really need to look for other outlets.

Re: How do I get to where they are?

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 23, 2022

aceaceace, I just wanted to stop by and let you know I like...ok...love your reply. Yes, people read fantasy novels about BDSM and want the fantasy but get upset when they find out that being a submissive/slave, even Dom/Master, doesn't really resemble what they read. Thank you for pointing it out.