Starting out/ punishment

Starting out/ punishment

a priori • Feb 4, 2023

My husband and I have been happily married and having incredible sex for 13 years- and this year (for his birthday)- I told him that I was gifting him myself as a sex slave for the month of November. He was intrigued- and asked what exactly I meant by "sex slave." I responded that I wasn't totally sure yet, but that I would find out, and that he would must likely be pleased with his present.

November was great for both of us (after some helpful internet research on my part)- but I think for different reasons. For myself, I was surprised by resulting ecstasy that came after encouraging him to take complete control, and for him, I observed something different. It was almost like my sexual submission provided this missing piece in our relationship- perhaps the piece that finally proved to him how much I respect and trust him.

So the question is: where do we go from here? We spent some time traveling in South America shortly after my little stint as a "sex slave," which I found out later, was me just acting as a fairly vanilla submissive.

I'm craving more- but when I tried to talk to him about the possibility of keeping this thing going, he more or less shut down. He has a very dominant personality and definitely doesn't like to be told what to do...
I think the gift was okay because it was a gift and not instructions or suggestions.

Any ideas on natural ways to encourage him- that won't feel forced or manipulative on his end? He is very concerned about treating me disrespectfully- so things like taking control when I give him head, etc. seem to create a bit of conflict for him (even though I LOVE it when he is rough with me and always have)- because, even though he seems to be enjoying himself, he also seems to have this part of himself that's telling him that he's doing something really wrong.

Any punishments that would be great to start out with? I manage the majority of the household tasks in addition to working from home, so I'm thinking maybe punishments like spankings for cleaning-related tasks would be easiest? Looking for something to help keep that d/s tension a part of our relationship on a daily basis.

CryoWabbit • Feb 4, 2023

I can relate to the situation you shared in my own experience. I can share a couple of things that I learned and maybe you can glean something that applies to you.

I learned in my experience that each human is very different with complex childhood experiences and upbringing. All of this make them who they are and how they 'tick' so to speak. When I approached my partner with the idea of BDSM it was a very slow process to start. My partner didn't fully commit to the idea because it didn't fit for them as well as it did for me.

I learned that communication is key. The more I was able ask them open ended questions about things, allow them time to think about it, (days even) and kept asking questions to understand, I learned more about how to connect with them in a way that met my needs. I could speak openly about my needs and desires in a way that removed them from being accountable, but instead as an invitation to be apart of them, and this allowed us to connect on a deeper level.

I would recommend bring up your concerns with him and asking open--ended questions so that you can understand where he is coming from. In your post, it sounds like you've done a lot of considering on this already. The only missing part is checking those thoughts in with him. You may be right, or you may be surprised what you find.

As for punishments, that's can be a very fun topic for some. In my experience there are the 'punishments' and then there are the 'funishments'. I've been on both sides before. The punishments are very much like discipline, with a task or consequence meant to avoid unwanted behavior can typically come with a level of dislike for the one receiving it. The 'funishments' I've seen are a way to arouse and excite. Once I was able to separate the two categories, I was able to bring a list together that was very effective for punishments.

Miki​(masochist female) • Feb 4, 2023

All the above and more, but boiled down, the November thing was great for you both but probably for now he's had his "fill" of whatever you were doing and maybe became a bit desensitized to it.

Allow time for thngs to settle a bit and since you say he's the dominant sort it'll need to be his idea where to go "from here".

That doesn't mean you can't keep wide open lines of communication. But in general, if and when he feels like opening up about the "break" he's taking he'll say so. Shutting down isn't the greatest approach if you mean beyond the playtime. One should communicate what's going on and why, but again not easy for dominant people.

Keep the comms open but don't force the issue. In the interim you'll need to try and accept the way things are going post "November".

InqSci​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2023

As a non-practicing Dom for many, many years. I think your man is experiencing a common occurrence of cognitive dissonance.

I experienced this years ago as it TOTALLY conflicted with my southern raising. Women are to be treated with respect, patience and you NEVER hit a woman.

Miki, as usual, has the best advice on going forward.

Look at the positive, your husband worships you and is a very good man. It just takes a little time to decouple. If my hypothesis is correct, like Miki said, keep that communication open so that he will understand that being a Dom does not violate his values because YOU are a willing participant.

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2023

I would Hazzard to guess from what I read that punishment ideas are a little far ahead of the game. It sounds like your partner hasn't bought into the idea of acting as a dominant yet, likely because as mentioned above it conflicts with years of learning it is not okay to treat a lady like that.

However, it sounds like you have a really strong connection. My suggestion is to be vocal about it. In the bedroom, express how much your enjoying yourself with body language or sound. Outside of the bedroom you might idly comment that you enjoyed that month more than you thought you would. Research the lifestyle more and talk to him about what you find, don't expect him to share input but share what you learned with him kinda like a dinner conversation about how your day went and what you did with it. Tell him about the stuff you found exciting and what troubled you. If he's interested he may eventually open up an participate in some fashion.

a priori • Feb 5, 2023

Such great advice from all of you! I'm not typically known for my patience... So the advice from most of the comments to encourage more dominant behaviour and then wait for things to unfold naturally is probably just what I needed

I love the comment on cognitive dissonance and I felt that the advice to bring up things I learn about dominant submissive behavior casually- like a dinner conversation- is very apt. If i treat the topic of d/s like it's commonplace in our conversations, I think it will help to "normalize" the feelings that he has of enjoying it.