Chances to become (Play)Partner

Chances to become (Play)Partner

TobyRB​(sub male) • Dec 18, 2023

Hey,
i´m a newbie in the BDSM scene what i see is it they where more Sub (m) then women (top)m, or is that a wrong perception.
What chance do I have to meet someone who accepts me as I am.
It's definitely not easy for a guy like me.
I've already had a session and not everyone can say that about themselves.

But what i like to know is what are you looking for is that character, look or what is it, what is important to you.

Greetings Toby

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Dec 18, 2023

There are more submissive males than dominant females by a significant amount.

What Doms in the kink world seek varies as it does in the vanilla world. The type of dynamic can range from a female led relationship to a play partner for a quick whipping. The characteristics Dons seek also varies from looks, attentiveness, matching kinks, ect.

Heero​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2023

There are some great articles on here about this topic. I'd check out the following, probably in this order:

1. https://thecage.co/magazine,138.html

2. (If you desire online play) https://thecage.co/magazine,137.html

3. https://thecage.co/magazine,213.html

That should cover the general things you should know. And you can come back here (or speak to a trusted friend) for more specific advice concerning your situation.

What I will say, just in case, is the first and most important thing is to figure out in as much detail as you can what it is YOU are looking for and be able to articulate it. Subs often miss this as they are more focused on serving and carrying out the will of someone else. That's all well and good, but there are many ways that can be done, and many different kinds of wills. You want to find the means to be the best sub you can be that lines up and harmonizes with your soul--and for that, you need to know your own soul.

TobyRB​(sub male) • Dec 19, 2023

@Heero​(dom male) thanks for you help but this are very very much information.
I think my Problem is not what i want or what i search i know what i search for and what i want or like to do can i see when i try it not before.
I´m a Big Guy because of that the most say no way thats Problem no.1 the other is i´m to shy and introverted i cant go to a women and tells her "i like her or what ever."

I have made many attempts to get to know a woman or to write or talk to her, most of them i became no answer or nothing.

I hope that I will eventually meet the right women.

So now happy holidays and a got start in the new year, or we in Germany says schöne Feiertage und guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr.

Greetings

Heero​(dom male) • Dec 20, 2023

OK, I see. Well, in that case, unless it is for your own sheer curiosity, I still don't think a post like this would be particularly helpful.

Here are some things for you off the top of my head--if you care to know my opinion or advice given the limited information I'm working with : (A bold assumption on my part, I know. Nonetheless, we shall forge ahead bravely.)

Put in the work, be patient, and perhaps get personal help:

Alright, I know I know. You HAVE been putting in work. And you HAVE been patient. But by this I mean putting in a different kind of work and understanding what patience really means (you do NOT want to become desperate! Yes, I know it feels tempting and may be warranted, it does not matter. Do NOT become desperate!). The same tactics will generally get the same results on average. We can't count on luck, and we can't count on the right person just finding you. Life rarely works that way, even though it may seem so sometimes. But it's one of those "luck favors the prepared" sort of things. So you will likely have to switch up what you're doing somehow. I can't tell you exactly how, because I don't know exactly what you're doing. But it seems "switching it up" is likely going to be necessary.

I know you will have your reasons/suspicions for why nothing has "happened" yet, but I assure you, your experience is way more common than you would think. I do not have a weight problem, and while I am introverted, I am not afraid to talk to girls and tell them I'm interested, and STILL it takes me a lot of time and effort and patience to bring any meaningful relationship into being. And if you read a lot of the posts and blogs on here, you'll see that many people have the same issues. (And, by the way, you may think that this really sucks, but I think there is a benefit to this, and for your partner to see you doing this. I don't advocate hard work for hard work's sake. It benefits both you and your partner if a decent amount of effort is put in to searching for, creating and maintaining your relationship. It is also beneficial, for all involved, for you to be someone who's not afraid to put in effort in general. Whether it's a Dominant or Submissive, no one wants a lazy partner.)

Now, you *may* get "lucky", but in all likelihood, a very small percentage of the conversations you start will end up going anywhere at all. And a fraction of those will actually end up in a relationship that's really fulfilling in any sort of way. And yes, I won't lie to you, if you have a weight problem and worst, aren't addressing it, it will make the numbers smaller. Physical attraction is just a thing you will have to contend with. It's relationship math. Just take this as a given and move forward. Once you get that, now you just know that you have to take the actions that gives someone in your position the best chances of landing something real. And odds are, if it hasn't happened in a VERY long time, you're going to have to do something different, and likely something that is a bit out of your comfort zone. It's not going to be a walk in the park, but you seem like a nice guy, I believe you can have this and deserve it.

Now yes, I would admit that I sent you a lot of information. But lamenting that it is is the wrong approach in my opinion. READ the info. Were there any suggestions that you haven't tried? Then you should start to try them! (One change at a time probably. Start with the ones easiest for you.) Is there anything in the articles that you ARE doing, but the articles suggest doing them in a slightly different way? Then, make sure you understand the idea/mindset behind the method, and tweak what you usually do to fall in line with that.

Do you mostly approach women online? Then maybe it's time to start attending munches and kink events. Do you already attend munches and kink events? Then maybe you want to work on your approaches, tweak what works and note what doesn't. Work on your shyness. This may even include something counter-intuitive like putting your goal of finding a Domme on hold for the moment and focus on just making friends. A woman who rejects you may not give you a reason at all, or give you a false one to spare your feelings. A friend will tell you, "nah, what you did there is considered cringe these days" or "I thought you came on too strong" or, just as useful, they'd be there to reassure you "nah, you dodged a bullet there! Consider yourself lucky!" Sometimes what you should do is just find someone who was in a similar position to you and asked them how they found success. What did they do that you're not doing? If you're cool with them, could they potentially have their Domme look you over and give you tailored suggestions?

The journey is different for everyone, but in my experience, tends to be a challenging one for most. There are people who have approached me to essentially be their wingman. There have been times I've acted as a Protector to a sub. There have even been times when it is became the best thing for a sub and I to part ways and I help them find someone else. It has been a struggle every time So get in the mindset that this is going to take some grit and personal growth and just get it done.

You know what you want, that's great. Now tweak how you try to get it. Hope alone is not enough.

Purĕ​(sub female) • Dec 20, 2023

I admire how much time and effort You always invest in Your posts Mr.Heero

Cognizant​(sadist male) • Dec 20, 2023

Toby.
I'm not sure what they are called in Germany but.
Find a meet n greet, a munch, find a local group that meet irl. Here they are usually in a public place like a pub or restaurant.
If you are too shy at first, go to the restaurant where they meet and just pretend to be another customer and observe until you feel comfortable enough to go sit with the group. Attend and network with that and other local groups. . .in no time you will meet people you can trust to befriend, who in turn know other people you can befriend. . .sooner or later a Domme will take notice. . .and you will now have new friends, new learning opportunities and a much better understanding of what you REALLY want and a better idea of what your Domme wants from you.

TobyRB​(sub male) • Dec 21, 2023

@heero many thanks for your text here thats many time you spend in this and i will try to understand this and when i have any questions can i ask you?

@Cognizant​ thank you too for you time and answer year that munch i have to go next year after the holidays but you say it i´m shy and that is not easy for me but i will try and see what happen.

And sry for my bad english i hope you understand me.

And now have good holidays and a great new year.

Thanks all for your help...

Greetings from German

Toby

Miki • Dec 22, 2023

@Toby RB

I understood what you wrote.

If you want to write in German, there's always Google Tanslate.

here's an example. Not sure how concise it is as I don't know Japanese.

However last year I wrote to a guy for a little while who does not know English. It looked pretty close. Definitely understandable.

-------------------------------------------------------

Good morning. This is an example of Google Translate


おはよう。 これは Google 翻訳の例です

------------------------------------------------------

@ Heero.. Not into walls of text, but nice suit.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Dec 22, 2023

Welcome to the community and good question. I’ll add to what the gentleman, Heero, states above in a concise line:

The more you effort put into entering the community, the more likely you will find someone who is interested in you. (Show the community who you are. Be active) You will also learn more of who you are.

Just like there are many, many ways to enjoy life and specifically this life, there are many, many desires from both Dominants and submissives. Not everyone desires looks over intelligence over kinky quotient. You say you are a big man. There are many women who like big men. And I would guess some Dominant women would love to stand above you as a big man. So don’t give up.

But, the more you engage in communities (this one, local munches/get togethers, other sites) the more likely you will be noticed. Just be patient and definitely don’t rush in without considering who you are rushing into. Get to know yourself as well as those you may interact with.

Good luck, Happy Holidays, and all the best.
LL
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Translated into German for ease of reading via Google Translate:

Willkommen in der Community und gute Frage. Ich fasse kurz zusammen, was der Herr Heero oben sagt:

Je mehr Sie sich bemühen, der Community beizutreten, desto wahrscheinlicher ist es, dass Sie jemanden finden, der sich für Sie interessiert. (Zeigen Sie der Community, wer Sie sind. Seien Sie aktiv) Außerdem erfahren Sie mehr darüber, wer Sie sind.

So wie es viele, viele Möglichkeiten gibt, das Leben und insbesondere dieses Leben zu genießen, gibt es viele, viele Wünsche sowohl von Dominanten als auch von Unterwürfigen. Nicht jeder wünscht sich einen Blick auf die Intelligenz statt auf den perversen Quotienten. Du sagst, du bist ein großer Mann. Es gibt viele Frauen, die große Männer mögen. Und ich würde vermuten, dass einige dominante Frauen gerne als großer Mann über Ihnen stehen würden. Also gib nicht auf.

Aber je mehr Sie sich in Communities engagieren (diese, lokale Imbiss-/Treffen, andere Websites), desto wahrscheinlicher wird es, dass Sie wahrgenommen werden. Seien Sie einfach geduldig und stürzen Sie sich auf keinen Fall hinein, ohne darüber nachzudenken, auf wen Sie sich stürzen. Lernen Sie sich selbst und diejenigen kennen, mit denen Sie möglicherweise interagieren.

Viel Glück, schöne Feiertage und alles Gute.
LL