Unsure how I feel

Unsure how I feel

SwitcherMe​(switch female) • Apr 2, 2024

Hey folks,
I'm a total novice at this lifestyle however I've just started a relationship with someone who has attended venues where they are a sub. I tend to dom more than sub in this relationship however I do switch.

I had an amazing play recently, probably the best I've had as a sub. Afterwards, whilst cuddled up, we had a conversation about things they have done before at venues. Whenever we have those conversations I feel like I get too much info, like I hear the specifics. I was told of a particular scene, with details, and now I feel quite down in the dumps. My partner feels shit for telling me and making me feel this way.

My question is;

1, Is it normal to feel down like this after such a session?

2, Is it normal to feel feelings of jealousy and inadequacy when hearing about your partners previous scenes?
3, How am I meant to learn and get better at this if when they tell me about previous experiences makes me feel that way?

I completely understand that the jealousy and inadequate feelings are issues of mine that I need to work on within myself, but I'm just at a loss right now as to how because generally I'm not a jealous person, nor do I feel inadequate in any other aspect of my life so this is all new and confusing to me.

Any advice or help will be appreciated.
Thanks

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 2, 2024

Many people get a drop after play, both from the bottom and top side of things, some don't, both are normal. Aftercare, in whatever form is required, and there are many ways to help a person re ground, come down, feel worth, cared for, re connect with their humanity, from cuddles and chating after, a blankie, stuffies, food, chocolate, water, being made to feel cared for/respected, whatever is required - either directly afterwards or a day or few days after. So feeling off, down is normal in that context.

Jealousy, and reacting to a partner's past is a more difficult thing to unpack, discuss. I myself lean heavily into being a compersionist, so don't feel Jealousy often, so I can rejoice in, past, current, or ongoing partners experiences and joys, without feeling off about it, but I get that many people feel similar feelings to what you have. I think it needs to be discussed, often hard, challenging, and both of you work through the feelings around this.

I hope you are able to get through this.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Apr 2, 2024

dollMaker had excellent input above. It all depends upon the type of play and the type of person. After an intense session, many factors play into both submissive and Dominant having energy ebb and flow and drop (sub drop / Dom drop ). It may come later (cyclically like in hours) but everyone is on a different clock and it might come sooner. But you might also be releasing different energy and emotions in the moment caused by the intense play.

Everyone is unique. So there isn't necessarily a right or wrong feeling. Might I suggest when you are cuddling after a session, try not to include discussions that include what either partner has done outside the relationship in the past. I don't know if there is a normal way to respond to any feeling. Feelings are feelings. But if you've just had an amazing play session and are wrapped up together cuddling, why on earth mention the specifics of other activities or intimacies? I'd save that discussion for a later time if at all. In the moment of cuddling, either stay quiet or chat about what went right in that moment.

So in answer to your questions:
1. It can be normal, but chances are after a good session you should be in a good mood. Drop should come later. (But everyone is different)
2. Jealousy is a normal feeling. It's healthy to know it's there and it's healthy to reassure your partner they are covering the needs without lauding over previous partners.
3. They can share what may work better for them, but they don't have to go into great detail. Plus . . . timing is essential. Don't make corrections immediately after while cuddling.

Best of luck.

SwitcherMe​(switch female) • Apr 2, 2024

Hi Dollmaker,

Firstly, thank you for your reply. I appreciate your words of wisdom.

I have now made my partner aware of how I feel, and I think we will have the discussion later today when we're both home.
I'm aware of the drop after play, however I've never experienced it myself - having not been taking play so seriously before now is possibly why I've never experienced it.

That all being said, I absolutely love our play and want to dive deeper into it and gain more experience, but I just don't know how without having her explain what she knows..
Can you recommend any websites or places to look further into this world?

Thanks again

SwitcherMe​(switch female) • Apr 2, 2024

Thank you for your words too.

It isn't a normal thing for us to do, it usually is just aftercare cuddles and discussions of what we liked during that session. However there was a particular area that we touched upon during play and I think that's what made her bring it up.

You make valid points, and your suggestions will be taken on board for sure.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply!

UpFromTheAshes​(switch gender queer) • Apr 2, 2024

I wonder if you're able to pinpoint the source insecurity here? I know that I have at times struggled with feeling insecure and that leading to struggling a lot with feelings of jealousy and further insecurity.

As an autistic person, I tend to try to explain things by providing examples, and it seems to me from what you've said here that your partner may be doing the same thing. Though it could be a struggle for them to talk more generally about their experience, and it may take some practice, it may be possible. Do you think you could lead them out of talking about the past by asking them things like "what would you like me to try differently next time?" And if they begin to describe a previous scene, you might gently remind them "hey, I know that you've done this before, but I'm not them and I'm feeling insecure because I don't think I can live up to someone else. Can we talk about things we can try but without going into such specific detail, if that's possible?" (for example, if this is a root insecurity). Do keep in mind, if your partner is like me....there may be some times that they actually cannot explain something without going into the details of a specific example. Those may be things that are best tabled until times when you're both more emotionally stable (not right after a scene, or during drop).

SwitcherMe​(switch female) • Apr 2, 2024

Hey UpFromTheAshes,
That's a really good bit of advice, and I appreciate you explaining about your autism. This is the same for my partner, so it's good to understand from your point of view as it helps me understand a little better. Maybe I can try asking in the ways you suggest, and definitely not just after play.. lesson learned with that one haha.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, much appreciated

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 2, 2024

Good luck with the chat, I hope it goes well.

Resources from sound educationalists - in my opinion - include: Crow Academy, Submissives Guide, Dominants Guide, Loving BDSM, Morgan Thorne. All of which have websites and you tube channels. Many will suggest Evie Lupine, I don't think she is a good educationalist. Books wise, The Loving Dominant, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, Screw the Roses send Me the Thorns. Look for new/recent editions of these books, available on Amazon.

There is plenty in these resources to keep you busy a long time.

Hope the above is helpful.

SwitcherMe​(switch female) • Apr 2, 2024

That's brilliant, thank you!

Miki • Apr 2, 2024

Of course this guy regaling you of past playtimes can be "normal" for him, but it is also normal to consider some of that TMI. And I do not see it as "insecurity" rather just not wanting to hear about shit that happened before, with someone else.

Building relationships and/or dynamics is about looking forward. The only rear-view crap would pertain to past experiences one found to be unsavory, to say the least for the purposes of establishng any limits one might want to set forth.

But communication being key, tell the dude that you're not interested in all that yesteryear shit and "let's just focus on what we want to build... or not."

And of course there's what they call "sub drop" and some even bring up "dom drop" Having never been a "real" sub I never experienced that, but I have read enough about it to be able to say "It will pass".

But when "cuddling" or whatever afterwards and the guy wants to pound his optionally hairy chest over past "conquests", even though you communicated that it's TMI, what's left is to tell him to put it in a sock.

(I know the expression goes "put a sock in it" but I never got that. Makes more sense to me in regards to boastful boys to tell him to go fuck a sock.)

Personally I make it known that he can go fuck a duck.

As always: "But That's Just Me"