Confused

Confused

Confucius​(sub gender queer) • Mar 12, 2025

I'm confused about my own behaviour. This may be the wrong place to ask... As I feel it is more trauma based.

Why to I want to give oral to punish the other person who has hurt me emotionally? How could receiving oral ever be considered punishment? They seem happy to receive, but they also seem to understand it's messed up and they don't deserve the pleasure. I fear it may be fear of abandonment on my part, but why use it that way? Maybe I do it because they will feel guilty for what they did, but I am just so very confused. Can anyone help explain?

I think although not discussed, I am more sub than them, which I'm anxious about, but also maybe my power comes from being somewhat sub. Help‽

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 13, 2025

Life is confusing enough as is. Stop making it worse for yourself.

Zoneinlingo​(neither female) • Mar 13, 2025

Go with your instincts. Plain and simple. If you have to ask, then there's your answer. Your smarter than you know.
Pleasure is not punishment.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 13, 2025

Are you actually using oral service as punishment, or is it more of an immediate means of establishing intimacy when you are upset, and potentially feel vulnerable in the safety of your relationship?
If it is the latter, then I would venture that it is probably related to a fear of abandonment (especially, if you have a history of abandonment), and that you are only associating it with punishment because of the associated feelings of anger or resentment, which are only incidental. Your partner's resultant mixed feelings likely come from a similar place if this is habitual for one or both of you. Particularly relevant if preceded by conflict between the two of you, they likely also associate the ritualistic sequence of events with the negative impact that your dispute has over what sounds like an ineffectual coping mechanism.
You may want to consider seeking professional help in dealing with the fear of abandonment.

Whatever you do, understand that latent fear of abandonment is, in no way, a sign of a strong or healthy relationship, but of the associated traumas.

Confucius​(sub gender queer) • Mar 13, 2025

Thank you, this is good clarity for me now.

Despite years of therapy (nearly 2 decades), I guess I've got some issues still unresolved and needing to be sorted. I do have unhealthy coping and defence mechanisms, usually dissociation and occasional apathy, with a history of regular parental abandonment, grooming by trusted adults and of several serious SAs in late teens, into my 20's. I say this anonymously.

I am becoming aware of some kinks that I fear may be related, and I understand that this can happen as a result of taking back control from those who have abused in the past.... Or as it would appear, to also prevent abandonment. This disturbs me as I know its not from a pleasure or funishment type place. The person mentioned has never done anything to harm me, only emotionally hurt me once recently, just to clarify.

To add, I also understand that this place is a safe space and that your relationships, I perceive to be healthy and based on trust and mutual respect. You understand each others boundaries and therefore I felt I could turn to you all for some clarity here. Appreciate you replying so swiftly.

TwinkleEyes​{n/a} • Mar 13, 2025

It’s very brave of you to express your confusion and fears. Bravo.

I was sexually assaulted in 2023. For about 8 months I wanted the pain of that rape inside my head emotionally and mentally. As well as physically at times. This was a combination of my own guilt for what happened, punishing myself for choosing his “friendship”, my sadomasochist, and more than anything me wanting to take my power back.

Good sound advice and ideas in this thread. I’ll add group therapy, blogging, and books on the subject. As well as self care and self love in copious amounts.

Positive vibes to you in this part of your kinky journey into yourself.