Self Collaring and Rest

Self Collaring and Rest

incandescent​(switch gender fluid)​{MAV-IV} • Sep 14, 2025

I struggle with feeling that my worth is derived explicitly from the amount of tangible output I produce.

Obviously this is wrong and has helped to act as part of the catalyst for a variety of rough years.

At this point I'm trying to self collar and it feels a bit odd, being both sides.

I've seen some early successes, but I'm not sure what to attribute it to. I think that I have a much gentler response and supportive plan for others. But paradoxically held myself to a more abusive and loveless self whipping in a way. I've found when I treat whatever is happening to me as a 'random person', and then apply the response I would give to a third person to myself.

Any ideas, insights or personal stories regarding Self Collaring and Rest?

Re: Self Collaring and Rest

Heart of Persephone​(sub female)​{Yearning } • Sep 14, 2025

Own your self! You will be amazed at how you will change. Take that power as your, learn your body, your mind, how you react.
get a new collar just for you from you- wear it , feel it. make note of how you react to it.

ewieya​(kinky female)​{Myself} • Sep 16, 2025

I'm wondering.... do you consider yourself a perfectionist on any level? It seems almost like you might be putting parameters on "Self collaring" that maybe don't need to be there.

Just a thought and one extra: perfectionism is more about calming anxiety than anything else.

It's a theory. A meme or article put that idea in front of my face and I am loving it. Perfectionism is just about needing things "just so" to calm our anxieties. I wonder if perfectionism does us good. Maybe for an engineer or architect, sometimes artists. But does it belong in a space where you can heal and soothe yourself? Where you are enjoying sexual pleasure? Where you are trying to be a great version of yourself?

I don't know. Maybe perfectionism does.

* * Just incomplete thoughts about what you said. All or some may apply?

As for me, I had a mixed but mostly good experience as a submissive to my ex Daddy. I felt lost as a whole after. He touched parts of me that needed his exact hands, but Ewieya was confused and lost after.

I just thought, I didn't want anyone hitting on me (it didn't change things much heh), but it was a symbolic thing for me. Like no, I'm not giving myself to anyone right now. I'm working on me. I'm going to take care of the parts of me that I wanted him to, but he didn't quite get around to. So I changed my collar info on TheCage.

I ended up finding out, over time... (and as my bf asked me out and we started a more vanilla thing)... I found out that I feel better now than in any of the D/s relationships of my past. I can't imagine one better than what I have with my bf, equally, so I'm staying here.

But it didn't have to get here! I could have worked on myself and ended up happily wanting to submit to another!

I'm really just rambling here, but I hope this helps!

Absolutely a perfectionist

incandescent​(switch gender fluid)​{MAV-IV} • Sep 16, 2025

Your rambling helps and yes!!

It's my nature to try and define and quantify things and then get disappointed over things that shouldn't be quantified.
It's definitely about getting things 'just so' and those desires or how things organized not helping because now they need to be somewhere or different configuration....

It definitely doesn't belong in my self healing space or journey but like a plant or fungous keeps respawning, I try to make my perfectionism lower tier but maybe that's like doing 'diet soda', the issue may be soda. So why am I torturing myself with a half way house, when I should be trying to leave it fully behind?

I think at the end of the day, self collaring is trying to control a trajectory of my life that is ultimately difficult to predict. It's not like you plan 'oh next Febuary' I'll fall in love with this incredible person. But that's what I'm doing where I'm having a buffer before I tell myself that I won't fall in love.

But for me I'm not sure if my love was the kind that nurtured others, or was it more like a drowning person clinging to the lifeguard and accidentally drawing both of them? I'm trying to make myself less of someone who needs someone else to 'fix the missing parts' or 'be those missing parts'. To someone who understand and can work within the confines that my mind and body can exist, freedom within my form.

Then when I find love, it's more like gentle intertwining instead of desperate, grappling?

I want someone who wants to stick by me even when I'm rambling or I'm jumping from idea to idea or panicking that I'm not doing enough and helping to ground.

But I don't want it to be a one way street, I want to be able to provide support, care and unconditional love to them as well. But in a way that doesn't smother them. Tricks like you mentioned like going on an errand to give them time to wake up.

Re: Absolutely a perfectionist

ewieya​(kinky female)​{Myself} • Sep 16, 2025

"I want someone who wants to stick by me even when I'm rambling or I'm jumping from idea to idea or panicking that I'm not doing enough and helping to ground."



I remember the first time I heard this song, I was like, "YES" I wanted and needed all of this and the song made me cry so many times.

If I can love myself the way I do, you can too.
Humans want to connect with other humans. Many will stick around through all of the things Alanis lists and more out of love, devotion, loyalty and other reasons.

The cool thing is that you get to choose how you treat yourself (to the extent you can - with my moods and such, I often am more harsh or cruel in ways I don't mean to be, if that makes sense).
And you get to choose who that person, partner, Dom/me, what have you is.

What an adventure!

I relate to so so much of what you are saying! I was (and even now can be) clingy. But did you know, clingy behavior is sometimes regarded as adorable and appreciated? So long as it's ok for all involved and it is respectful and such!

Maybe some of your self-collaring is about making changes and better yourself, but also redefining things. For me, I felt my submissive and worship-y, sometimes-clingy self was smothering to others. But now I know, when I'm getting attention for all my wanting and pleading, the exchange is fun. (My boyfriend thinks I'm adorable and funny - he giggles at me when he catches me staring at him too much, for example).

You seem so lovely, truly. I think your next romantic person is so lucky!

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 1, 2025

On my opinion, self collaring is bs. What then are you to do when you find someone worthy of wearing a collar for? Gonna uncollar yourself one sec n get recollared the next?

Ppl that don't this kind of thing got simply lose hope of ever truely being owned and collared so they collar themselves to hold back the emotional discomfort and depression of jot being owned and collared where as its all just another mask to hide their true selves.

Still, in my opinion.

incandescent​(switch gender fluid)​{MAV-IV} • Oct 1, 2025

That's a good response. I would argue that such a swapping of collars if done would be up to the person and ritualized.

It may not be as quick as you describe here, for me self collaring is a form of empowerment and compassion.

No one is coming to save me, I've got to get better, I've got to care for myself like I would others. I've got to make sure that I don't over work myself, that I don't worry too much. That I have times where I can safely turn off my mind and enter puppy space or just dreamless contentment with myself. This doesn't mean that at some point that I may trust someone else to have this kind of power and care, with their own symbol and items to wear proudly around my neck, or markings elsewhere.

But for me this is a way to me to attend to my needs, ensure that I don't burn myself out. I've been collared by another before and it was wonderful, peaceful and so many other emotions. But just like love, each time one is collared, (I would presume the same for the one who collars as well) it's a different medley of emotions and desires.

But at the most basic level, isn't it beautiful to see someone who learns to accept themselves, flaws, hiccups, overworrying, and learning to be kindler, gentler and more compassionate to themselves? Someone who when love does find them again, is interested in it because it can complement them? Not as a piece that must be there to operate but as a companion, a greater then parts reaction? Where I can hold them loosely and without crushing them and they to me?

That they are free to grow and shift because their journey and whom they may be doesn't hurt me. Because I'm not clinging to them, like some survivor trying to stay afloat, but rather we're circling each other like ravens, or chasing each other like squirrels.

I've not lost any hope, I've been collared, it felt wonderful, free but I've also learned the searing agony of loosing that collar and the mishaps that come when you chase a collar instead of the person behind the collar.

I may accept another collar or sigil but then again, for now I may want to enjoy my own collar and take some time to enjoy this incredible puppy that I've watched grow. Their resilience, trust, compassion and devotion. Maybe I want to be a little bit selfish for a few more years....

After all there's plenty more years left 🤍💖

NarahPrimal​(sub female) • Oct 2, 2025

Personally I am not a fan of self collaring it's something I would never do.
To me a collar is something that is given by a Dominant. It is something that represents the dynamic you both share and the commitment to each other, just as a wedding ring does.
I've been lost before and hurt and I belive finding yourself and your self worth is the most important thing.
I think if you feel you need some kind of symbol that grounds you and reminds you of the lifestyle maybe find some peice of jewelry that relates to the lifestyle or that reminds you of it.