54 Essential Things Every Submissive Must Look Out For When Vetting a Dominant

This one is LONG

Vetting a Dominant is non-negotiable for safe, consensual BDSM; whether you’re starting online, moving to in-person play, or building something long-term. This straightforward list gives you practical, real-world signs and examples across almost every stage.
So for reference:

* Red flags = pause, investigate, or walk away.
* Green flags=build trust slowly and steadily.

Trust your gut. Always prioritize SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). This list is comprehensive but not exhaustive, so please add more where you can.

1. Demands you call them “Sir,” “Master,” or any honorific in the first few online messages. From what I've seen and heard, this is extremely common online. It usually signals someone inexperienced who doesn't understand pacing, norms, or building rapport. Or worse, it signals someone who knows the space perfectly well but has zero interest in showing safety or earning trust. They want instant deference before any real connection exists, because they see mutual consent as unnecessary for what they intend to get out of you. If you crave structure (especially with anxious or fearful attachment), this hits you hardest. Consider it your very first test: if you don't correct it early or call it out, you're already allowing someone to place their wants above yours. That's big trouble down the line.

2. Asks for nudes, explicit photos, or sexual content within the first conversation. (This also covers expecting roleplay right out of the gate.) They are trying to normalise sexual access before any trust or rapport exists. If you're genuinely into jumping straight into sexy chats and pics, fine. But it becomes a serious problem when you're not interested and they keep pushing. Younger subs especially get swept up in the excitement of talking to a “Real Dom” and forget that some people do not mean well. Some are collecting compromising material; others are simply testing whether you'll prioritise their desire over your comfort. If sharing your body happens naturally because you want to, great. Never feel pressured to do anything you don't want.

3. Refuses to share a real name, verifiable social media, or any form of identity. This becomes a major concern once things move toward real-world play, regular scenes, or a serious D/s or M/s dynamic. Anonymity kills accountability and is a cornerstone of predatory deception. It blocks basic due diligence: references, community reputation, past incidents, even criminal-record checks (because some of these people have them). You never want to submit to, or be owned by, someone who knows everything about you while remaining an elusive ghost. Ask many questions. If their answers stay surface-level or evasive, magnify that heavily in your decision to submit.

4. Pushes hard for an in-person meet within days without any real vetting talk. Rushing skips the trust-building phase needed for secure attachment. It can be love-bombing mixed with early isolation from your support network, exploiting the dopamine hit of new connection before your rational brain catches up. Not everyone wants to be penpals for months, but a few weeks of chatting isn't asking too much to gauge temperament, consistency, and basic presentation. And for the love of everything holy: at a first in-person meet, accept no favours, no money, no play. You don't really know them yet. You don't know how they handle rejection (and you don't want to discover that while alone with them), and you don't know their history (or want to become part of someone's rap sheet). Good people handle rejection normally. Monsters hide in the grass too.

5. Claims “real Doms don’t need safewords” or dismisses them entirely. This shows profound lack of empathy and zero risk-awareness. Safewords are the cornerstone of consensual power exchange; rejecting them means they view consent as optional and their judgment as superior. That's a direct predictor of boundary violation and trauma. Run. Run very fast. Better yet: as a sub, initiate the safeword conversation yourself and watch closely how they react, especially when you push back on any questionable comments.

6. Says they (the Dom) have “no limits” or refuses to discuss your hard and soft limits. Healthy Dominants have limits too. Claiming none usually means fantasy-based inexperience or deliberate avoidance of accountability. It sets up a dynamic where your limits get reframed as “not being a real sub,” planting cognitive dissonance and self-doubt.

7. Avoids or downplays aftercare, saying “you won’t need it” or “it’s not my thing.” Aftercare is emotional repair after intense vulnerability. If play is the drug, aftercare is the bridge that prevents a brutal crash. Dismissing it reveals low emotional intelligence and lack of empathy, traits tied to insecure attachment in abusers. Without it, you're left in amplified sub-drop, which predators exploit to build dependency. Drug dealers want dependency no matter how bad it is for you. A Dom who skips aftercare wants your need more than your emotional safety. This is non-negotiable.

8. Uses ghosting, silent treatment, or withdrawal of attention as early “punishment.” This is intermittent reinforcement, the exact mechanism that makes slot machines addictive and creates trauma bonds. It dysregulates your attachment system so you chase approval and fear abandonment. (This is different from a Dom taking healthy space; everyone needs that sometimes.) But if they dip in and out to heighten chaos, pull out the magnifying glass. If the answers don't satisfy or make sense, it may be time to end the interaction entirely.

9. Expects full 24/7 online submission or protocols before you’ve even met. This demands total power before any trust foundation exists. It's a hallmark of control-oriented personalities who use BDSM language to mask emotional abuse. It isolates you from your own life and normalises escalating control.

10. Gives inconsistent stories about their experience, past partners, or current life. Inconsistent narratives are a core gaslighting tool. They erode trust in your own perception and prepare you to doubt red flags later (especially when you question a story and they flip it to “you're remembering wrong”). Pathological liars target kink because community privacy norms make verification harder. When you spot inconsistencies, get your magnifying glass and smoke pipe out (that's right, Little Sherlock). Probe gently. Their response to real questions will tell you everything.

11. Sends unsolicited dick pics or sexual messages without any consent. Boundary violation + entitlement. It's a power move that objectifies you immediately and tests whether you'll tolerate non-consensual sexualisation.

12. Gets defensive, angry, or shuts down when you ask basic safety questions. Secure people welcome questions. Defensiveness signals a fragile ego and poor accountability. People who cannot tolerate scrutiny will make your life hell.

13. Claims to be “new” but wants to jump straight into breath play, fire, or heavy edge play. Inexperience + high-risk demands = reckless endangerment. It shows dangerous ignorance or deliberate risk minimisation to get what they want faster. Arrogance and negligence live in the same neighbourhood. You're safer with someone who fully acknowledges how dangerous an act is, because that awareness keeps caution front and centre.

14. Suggests you cut contact with vanilla and kink friends or family “for the dynamic.” Isolation is the #1 tactic in every grooming and abuse model. It removes external reality checks so the Dominant becomes your only source of validation and truth. A Dominant who doesn't encourage positive outside relationships is not growth-focused.

15. Pressures you to delete FetLife/other profiles or stop talking to the community. Same isolation mechanism, plus it blocks warnings or perspectives from others who might spot the pattern.

16. Avoids or gets vague about recent STI testing, status, or barrier use. Disregard for your physical safety reveals low empathy and entitlement to risk your health for their pleasure.

17. Ignores your stated hard limits and says “you’ll learn to like it.” This is coercive control disguised as “training.” It violates consent and plants the idea that your “no” is negotiable. (If you as the sub later feel a hard limit has softened, that's fine to bring up. The Dom should then explore what changed, which parts softened, and which aspects remain firm.)

18. Has a bad reputation or shows up on community blacklists (always ask for references). Community patterns are collective wisdom. Multiple consistent stories point to repeatable behaviour, not isolated “misunderstandings.” If every side paints them as the villain, you're dealing with a villain. Proceed only with extreme caution.

19. Demands money, gifts, “tributes,” or financial support before meeting. Financial exploitation is classic predator behaviour. It creates investment and sunk-cost fallacy, making leaving harder later. Findom is valid if mutual and agreed upon, but never let it be coerced early.

20. Uses BDSM language to justify controlling or abusive behaviour outside scenes. This is “kink-washing” abuse: reframing harm as “dominance” to bypass your moral alarms. Inexperienced subs fall hardest here. That's why you must learn the terms, acts, and context on your own. Knowledge lets you ask real questions and build barriers against harm. When something doesn't make sense, research it yourself. Don't defer understanding to someone else, especially early.

21. Never asks about your medical conditions, medications, injuries, or triggers. Lack of curiosity about your physical and mental safety shows the dynamic is about their control, not mutual care. As the sub, initiate this conversation first for your own agency and protection.

22. Wants to play while drunk, high, or encourages you to be impaired. Impairment removes informed consent. Pushing it reveals willingness to exploit vulnerability. (Exception: if it's a shared kink with full risk awareness and consent upfront.)

23. Expects you to act submissive in public vanilla spaces without negotiation. Non-negotiated public power exchange is humiliation and control without consent. It's a dominance display for their ego. This includes expecting full protocol or “sub attire” at a casual first coffee meet. At the first meeting you're meeting a person, not a sub or a Dom.

24. Disrespects waitstaff, service workers, or shows poor social manners. Basic stuff. How someone treats those with less power is the best predictor of how they'll treat you once they have more.

25. Proposes collaring, ownership, or a formal dynamic in under a month. No universal timeline exists for every dynamic, but love-bombing plus rapid escalation creates artificial attachment before real compatibility is tested. Something to consider before you kneel and get that branding.

26. Refuses to give references from past partners or community members. Transparency is the bare minimum for safety. Refusal protects their ability to repeat harm. Some people lack deep community ties, but they should at least have one person who can vouch positively. Just one

.27. “Punishes” you during vetting for asking questions or setting boundaries. This punishes healthy self-protection and trains you to stay silent, ignore your gut, and override boundaries. Classic grooming for future abuse. Stay clear.

28. Gets overly touchy, hugs, or invades space at the first public meet. Non-consensual physical boundary testing desensitises you to inappropriate touch and asserts dominance early. If you assert a boundary and they escalate, talk you into more, or ignore it, walk away.

29. Gives conflicting answers when you repeat the same question later. Inconsistency (whether deliberate lying, pathological, or just directionless living) signals instability. If they can't be consistent, they can't provide stability. And if they're lost in their own life, they'll drag you into the same chaos. enough said.

30. Has no plan for non-verbal safewords (hand signals, dropping an object) when gagged or restrained. Neglecting safety contingencies shows incompetence or deliberate disregard for your ability to withdraw consent. Great Doms plan for everything and welcome gaps being pointed out. Challenging a Dom on safety matters is absolutely okay. (Domming from the bottom is a separate conversation.)

31. Discourages you from attending munches, events, or talking to other kinksters. Isolation from the community removes your external support and information network. (See #14–15.)

32. Shows frequent mood swings, rage, or emotional volatility in interactions. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF THEMSELVES. DO NOT PUT THEM IN CONTROL OF YOU. I can't state it any clearer. Emotional dysregulation predicts explosive abuse once the honeymoon ends. People rarely change for the better without choosing to do the work. If they don't see a problem, they will remain a problem

.33. Dismisses your current stress, depression, or emotional state before suggesting play. Playing while you're mentally vulnerable exploits lowered defences and can worsen your mental health. This is the moment for empathy and gentle aftercare, not hardcore scenes. Test their capacity for the depth of empathy you need.

34. Only messages sporadically or only when they’re horny. Essentially you're as disposable as a browser tab. Once they get off, they vanish. Unless you're into that, this sets up intermittent reinforcement and anxious attachment: you stay hooked waiting for the “good” version.

35. Demands passwords to your phone, email, or social media early on. Surveillance eliminates privacy and autonomy. Unless high-control elements were explicitly negotiated with full specifics, this warrants serious questioning and discussion.

36. Shows unhealthy jealousy or tries to control who you talk to outside the dynamic. Possessiveness masks insecurity and builds coercive control. It rarely starts loud; it begins with subtle passive-aggressive jabs that slip under the radar. Call those out early, discuss the source. If it's too much, bail hard.

37. Insists the first meeting be in a hotel or private location instead of public. For inexperienced subs: unless you want your kidneys harvested or a one-way ticket in a shipping container (dramatic, but real cases exist), this removes witnesses and safety nets. Do not do this. For the love of leather and lavender.

38. Pressures you to “just trust me” and skip slow vetting. Healthy trust is earned slowly. Demanding blind trust is manipulation at its worst.

39. Only seeks brand-new or inexperienced subs (pattern of targeting newbies). Predators target people without community knowledge because they're easier to manipulate. Get your fucking knowledge up. Learn, grow, understand yourself. Do the work. Ignorance costs too much in this space. That's why I share entry-level info, podcasts, and videos on my profile. Know literally anything

40. Gets evasive or angry when asked “Have you ever violated someone’s consent?” A Dom who can't answer honestly is a massive red flag. Honest ones can address it directly. Spoiler: every Dom has violated at least one boundary at some point, multiple if they have been around long enough (hopefully not the worst ones). The good ones learned and grew. The ones claiming perfection never grew, because they never felt the need too.

41. Makes assumptions about your kinks instead of asking what you actually want. Entitlement to define your desire shows zero respect for your agency. They'll project whatever they like onto you.

42. Steers every conversation straight to sex and never asks about you as a person. Objectification. You're a kink dispenser, not a whole human. Sexual interest is great, but if there's no curiosity about your emotional, spiritual, mental, and intellectual sides, what are we even doing here?

43. Never says thank you, please, or shows basic appreciation for your time/effort. Lack of reciprocity reveals entitlement and low emotional intelligence. Even in high-protocol dynamics where roles are fixed, acts of service and devotion carry weight that must be acknowledged and appreciated.

44. Pushes hard for polyamory or multiple subs when you’ve said you’re monogamous. Nothing wrong with monogamy, poly, polygamy, or any -amous preference. What's wrong is forcing a square peg into a round hole. Incompatibility is normal. It just means it won't work. No need to force anything, if its not for you, it simply isnt for you. if there is a potential for curiousity, dive in cautiously

45. Multiple ex-subs tell the same stories of boundary violations or ghosting. This is a bad track record. Repeatable patterns are the strongest evidence of character, not “bitter exes.”

46. Shows zero interest in your vanilla goals, career, education, or personal growth. A healthy Dominant wants you whole. Disinterest shows you're valued only for submission. If your vanilla advancement doesn't benefit them, they don't care; that means they have no interest in you as a person, you are a role. I have a feeling you want to be more than that, so always expect to be seen as more.

47. Treats BDSM like a fun game or fad instead of a serious dynamic. Lack of seriousness leads to reckless play and emotional neglect. They play stupid games; you win painful prizes. Your overall wellbeing is always on the line as a submissive. Trust people who take that seriously.

48. Asks for graphic details about how you want to be punished way too early. Early intense focus on punishment reveals sadistic intent without the caring foundation required for ethical sadism. Trust first. Bruises and stripes later.

49. States that “no” is never allowed in any context, even outside play. Elimination of “no” outside play defines authoritarian control, not consensual dominance. You're in big trouble. If you believe there can never be a “no” in any part of your life, we need to talk about people-pleasing and how it harms you as a person and as a submissive.

50. Shows little genuine concern for your mental health or emotional wellbeing. Empathy deficit is the core trait separating ethical Dominants from abusers. (Yes, I sound like a broken record. Empathy is pretty damn important to this whole thing.)

51. Tries to control your money, job decisions, or bills without full, ongoing negotiation. Even in high-control dynamics there must be checks, balances, and continuous communication. Money, jobs, and bills are always in flux. Flexibility and openness to renegotiate parameters are essential.

52. Punishes you for real-life issues like work deadlines, illness, or family emergencies. Using kink to punish vanilla life shows the dynamic is about control, not care. This circles back to empathy

.53. Never does regular check-ins or renegotiation sessions as life changes. Healthy dynamics evolve through ongoing consent. Unilateral changes are power grabs. Regular check-ins and renegotiations keep things aligned with both people's needs. Communication is always key. Rigid, unchanging dynamics become suffocating and stagnant for everyone.

54. Makes you feel guilty, worthless, or like a “bad sub” for having normal human needs or boundaries. This is core shame induction, the final stage that traps people through self-blame and low self-worth. If accusations arrive without build-up or conversation, it's a classic control tactic

----
**Bonus Section: Red Flags in Contracts and During/After Play

Red-flag contracts
- Presented as “take it or leave it” with no room for negotiation or changes.
- Removes or weakens safewords, consent, or the right to end the dynamic.
- Includes permanent body modifications, financial enslavement, or legal power-of-attorney without iron-clad protections and legal advice.
- Has no built-in renegotiation schedule or exit clause.
- Ignores real-life priorities (work, health, family) and treats them as irrelevant.

Red-flag acts in and around play
- Ignores a safeword, “tests” it, or gets annoyed when you use it.
- Provides zero or minimal aftercare and leaves immediately after the scene.
- Continues or escalates play when you’re clearly in distress, subspace, or non-verbal.
- Plays impaired (alcohol/drugs) or pressures you to play impaired.
- Re-negotiates limits or adds new activities in the middle of a scene.
- Leaves you alone while bound, hooded, or in drop.
- Brags about “breaking” subs or pushing people past their limits as a badge of honor.
- No check-ins during long scenes or intense play.
- Dismisses or mocks sub drop, top drop, or emotional fallout afterward.
- Uses play to punish real-life grievances instead of keeping it in the negotiated dynamic.