Punishments

Why is there so much talk of how a sub should be / will be punished?
Ive noticed lately that there is much discussion on punishments- how do I punish? Do I punish them for this or that? Punishment punishments punishments! I get messages telling me how they will train me and punish me. That I will be punished. WHY!? It feels like we submissive are eternally screwing up and will screw up no matter what.

I see these writings and it hurts my heart thinking that punishments are the forefront of the relationship. New sub missives come in and read that they will be punished, but why? I don't see many writings topping the pages about; building us up, finding our deepest secrets, how to make us feel safe, drawing us out of our shells, rewards, etc.

I truly want to know why.

I personally don't sit around thinking how I can screw up, what I can do wrong. I think about how I could make my Dom feel more loved, cared for, valued, to lighten his burdens, make his life easier, being his muse and passion.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THIS.

I have been a Femdom sub for years and punishment has never been a part of our dynamic. Unless someone has a punishment kink, there should never be a need for punishment. We have attended many events and have seen people that enjoy pain as part of thier kink lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with that.

A true submissive is dedicated to their Dom. Submission is a mindset that (as we heard one professional Dominatrix say) can only happen if the person is willing to be submissive - no one can be forced into true sumission. I use myself as an example.

My Dom & I met in our vanilla life, got married, and later discussed Femdom, made our list of boundaries, and then did our research, which learning should never end. We attend summits, etc. and pick up ideas from others all the time. From when we started to my point of no return of full submission (as J.M. Scott calls it in her Practical FLR book series) took 3 years.

Now I am a 24/7 submissive who will do anything she asks without question, so there is no need for punishment.

What gets me is that accountability is so one sided.

Where are the writings about the Doms being "punished" for breaking a dynamic rule? Hell! Where are the writings about how a Dom should properly show remorse for violating a rule?

Where are THOSE writings, be cause it's not just submissives who are accountable for their actions....

Yet it's treated like they are the only ones who break a rule.

Should subs be held accountable? Yes.

Should Dom's also be held accountable? A Dom that is unwilling the be held accountable are not worthy of the gift of submission. Nor should that dom lead.

At the end of the day the biggest thing people forget is that the true power of the dynamic always lies with the sub. You choose who gets to be your Dominant, you choose if they have the right to "punish" you, you choose if they have the privilege of having any say over you at all.

Submission is something to be cherished, nurtured, and protected by any Dominant worth a damn. It's on the sub to recognize that worth and to take it away when it hasn't been recognized.

Apologies but that first line is tripe. Both parties in the power exchange have the same responsibility, power and the right to decide going into, during, and at the end of any dynamic relationship. A submissive cannot just walk up to a Dominant and declare "You are My Dom. Get to it." In the same manner a Dominant cannot just assert their authority over any submissive. Both sides can determine when to enter into a dynamic relationship and when it may need to end.

I'm sorry but this is a poorly worded trope that leads to many, many misunderstandings. It may sound romantic and even endearing, but it takes away the responsibility the Dominant may have in maintaining structure.

Both sides have the responsibility to come to an agreement on the power exchange. And within that agreement lies how the exchange shall be handled.

I do concur, both submission and Dominance should be valued, nurtured and protected. I personally value those qualities of the submissive; whereas I'm assuming most submissives will also cherish and enjoy the true values of a Dominant.

But I've slid way off course from the OP, so I'll redirect: As for punishments, I do not agree with them in a mature, adult relationship. I agree with Discipline for all parties. But Discipline as I've probably blathered on about before is not punishment - it's establishing structure, training to it and living it. I agree with corrections. And corrections may be seen as punishment but I consider them tools for all parties to use for improvement. We are adults.

And I do agree with funishment. 😁 In whatever manner the dynamic decides works for them.

Lycan this isn't the first time you've chosen to deliberately put words in my mouth. Nowhere did I say in my post that the onus is completely on the sub. Not once did I say that the Dominant has no further responsibility.

What I did say was that the submissive has more power than is commonly believed.

Focus on sharing your own contributions from now on without the need to tear mine down.

Thank you

Deliberate Dom,

I have to speak up here. This is exactly what you said:

"At the end of the day the biggest thing people forget is that the true power of the dynamic always lies with the sub."

This is what Literate Lycan was addressing. He was not "putting words in your mouth" as you put it. You said "true power" "ALWAYS" lies with the sub.

Your words. EXACTLY. You did NOT say "..the submissive has more power than is commonly believed." in your original post and by altering your own words, you are attempting to gaslight LL, and us.

LL has taken this same stance each and every time it has come up, no matter WHO made the statement. I have seen it MULTIPLE times over the years so it is not a targeted assault against you or your contributions.

You are correct.

In my haste to defend myself I did not acknowledge that I was indeed poorly wording the words. It wasn't trying to gaslight anyone and I apologize for that.

At the end of the day we are here to build each other up in this community and not tear each other down. I can acknowledge I did not do my part.

Sorry, I will do better.

Thank you SBD! ☺️

And my apologies Deliberate Dom. I was not attempting to attack you in the least. I'm just (obviously) not a fan of that trope.

I will do better as well. And we will have fun and fulfilling conversations (and occasionally disagreements) in the future. No need to defend yourself as I did not mean to attack you personally. I owe you a coffee.