After some advice

Already posted this in a blog, but nobody responded. So trying here. I hope this is ok.

I was talking to a dom, whom I'd lost contact with several years ago (due to my poor mental health) we reconnected a couple of months ago. We clicked again and I really didnt expect it. We met up for a second time just over a week ago.

We always had a lot of flirty chats, with light hearted slagging matches (I called him a sheep shagger to his face for context lol) for a sub, thats pretty brave if youre me, at least.

To cut a very long story short.. I spoke to him upfront about my unhappiness with feeling like hes no longer interested in me. His messages to me were small talk and very short. He tells me he doesnt fele a need to reply to every message & he "doesnt always have anything to say" and this went on after we met. When the novelty ran dry.

I've now been told hes done (although he told me i'm not his sub until he touches me) I asked for clarity at the start and what rules he had. To which there wasnt any, in his opinion. I expressed this to him and he ran a mile.

I struggle a lot with my self esteem, and he was aware of my needs, insecurities etc. So to just go ghost on me because he didnt like what he heard... I am emotionally exhausted! I wish doms would just be upfront about their intent from the very start! I find d/s & trying to develop that sort of relationship hard enough. Because it relies on so much trust & communication.

Ive experienced so much hurt in the past from regular vanilla relationships, so this is just another blow. I find this lifestyle is like tryojg to find a needle in a haystack with finding someone who is genuine, honest etc. It makes me want to give up to be hones.

I know this is his problem & probably nothing to do with me at all. I suppose i'm looking for reassurance that this isnt all just a huge waste of time. As the title says, i'm very frustrated! Why do we bother honestly!! 😞

How do you people get back up again without giving up when these things happen? Because as much as I know I need d/s its almost simpler to go after the mundane vanilla. Which I really dont want anymore.

I can promise you, as a Dominant, that not all D-types act this way! It can definitely feel like looking for a needle in a haystack sometimes. Going back to vanilla dating might be simpler, but it's just not as fulfilling. So many people on both sides of the dynamic go through this exact frustration and want to give up—I’ve completely been there myself. We push through it because once you find the right fit, it makes all the struggle worth it.

He just wasn't a match for you, which is totally fine since not everyone will be. But him not being adult enough to just say that and ghosting you instead? Not okay at all. It hurts and it's incredibly frustrating, but please remember that his behavior is a reflection of him, not you. Keep your head up!

Genuinely feel invisible on these things.i'm in such a bad mood! I always seem to attract alk the wrong types of people, and thats with me being in a better place with my depression. I've felt overlooked since a child abd it just brings all that stuff to thr surface again.

It's extremely important when going into any kind of D/s situation that you keep your guard up and protect yourself from literally everything. The amount of caution you would exercise in a normal dating situation--multiply that by fifty at least. You should never, ever get your feelings involved unless you know for a fact that he feels the same way--and by that, I mean that he has been over-the-top explicit about wanting to get together with you and move forward.

The very instant he shows even the tiniest amount of reluctance or distance, you should pull back behind your walls and protect yourself. You should never be more eager to get into a relationship and lay your feelings on the line than he is. So you flirted a few times and had some flirty chats. You say his messages to you were small talk and very short and that he didn't feel the need to respond every time. That tells me everything I need to know about where his head was at.

That's my view on your situation from the outside. D/s causes subs to experience intense emotions and also extremely powerful emotional attachments. Trust me, we have all been there and experienced exactly what you're going through now. It's critical that you protect yourself and make sure you only get attached to the right people. You need to be extremely cautious in all your dealings with everyone in this world. Any dom you talk to will understand the need for caution and he'll be taking the same care to protect himself on his side.

Thank you. It's very hard for me to be open to people because I find trust very difficult. My guard is always up; but in order to meet up, I did have to lower it. I just hate having my time wasted. I just wish we coukd know ahead of time so we dont invest anything into people like that.

I'm more angry than anything else to be honest. Trust me, the walls are up! 10 feet tall and made of steel!

The only way to know this is to ask him straight out while you're still online, "What are your intentions? What is it you're looking for with this meeting? Are you looking to get back together?" Don't let up until you get a definite answer.

I have depression as well but the opposite experiences. Perhaps it's the meds (I'm on an old med that has this side effect) ---- I don't feel anything regarding any kind of relationships, be it BDSM or mainstream. So, I never have nor will get into anything past a casual fling and these days not even that. But for your situation, it's hard, I know.

Unfortunately, you can ask a potential partner to put it out there what he wants, expects, and what would turn him off. Mutual honesty kind of stuff----but still you'll run into those who say one thing, maybe even mean it, but as time goes by and more time is spent together the partner discovers he isn't as into it as he thought or wanted, and some jackasses will do the cowardly ghosting shit. . . This probably isn't what you want to read, but unfortunately, in the end it's all a crap shoot, especially Online searches.

You might want to "take some time off" to get through the anger and disappointment but through it all, eventually you gotta roll the dice. No fun, it hurts, but sooner or later you'll find the one with whom you are compatible.

Your photo shows you're an attractive woman and of course looks are only skin deep on both sides of the table, at least you don't have to contend with anyone turning away because of looks. Obviously, that's the first thing people see.

IDK if any of this crap helps, but I wrote all this to encourage you to first take a break, get past the anger, disappointment, and even sadness, even just most of it, then feel encouraged to keep trying. You have a lot of time. No need to rush.

Above all, don't let that guy rent space in your head. It wasn't a match. Sometimes it seems like there are more matches that won't light than there are books of matches, but you only need one.

Time and communication are two things you have and can use to winnow out the neanderthals and find the one who works out.

Best always,

M

@b l o n d I e
We did meet up & got on really well in person. The cracks were showing before & after we met through text.
I could sit and try to figure out why he acted how he did. The old me would look pathetic and try to fix things. Me now? Once you show me who you are, I believe it and i dont turn back.
This happened for a reason & I refuse to waste my time on people like that.

I'm a lot stronger than who I used to be. It's a new day and i'm free 😀 x