Im confused about the Bond to your Other

Im confused about the Bond to your Other

J'Oh • Jul 13, 2018

Are you supposed to be in love with your partner? Whether they be your Dom/Master or your Sub/little?
Ive had a lot of men talk about the online relationship, too. But maybe being from (what seems to be) a younger generation- it feels a lot like im sending nudes and videos for .... nothing.
I personally know of too many people i could send pictures too and get the same responses as some people here in The Cage. And they are very far from Dominant(TM) people.

Forgive me if this question is out of place but Ive read how BDSM is about trust. so much more than trust but trust! and Im curious, how does it work - having a partner that isnt your significant other? Especially those who are being discreet. How do you give to both lives? Or how is it training someone to be "not in love" but give themself to you on a mental, binding way?

I just dont understand how you can love the lifestyle but not who you do it with.

Sybil • Jul 13, 2018

I don’t think it requires you to love the person... I personally am not in love with my slave Nor do I consider him to be my significant other. However before we even had our first play date I spent months building a connection, trust, communication on what we both wanted out of this relationship and just building a foundation to work on.

Can it grow to love, yes that’s a big possibility.

Now for the instadoms and the instasubs... the are a lot out here....
Anyone asking for nudes or videos out the gate is a red flags.
Any one asking what can I do for you out the gate is a reg flag for me.

Now the one thing i’ve taking away from being here on the cage most people are looking for instant gratification or the right now moment and not long term.

I believe building a foundation is key to making it work.

TDO​(dom male) • Jul 13, 2018

I definitely agree with what Sybil said! Unfortunately the majority of people on here seek the instant gratification. (Hence the ones you need to stay away from.)

Miki • Jul 13, 2018

Slapping hard and fast rules to a relationship will tend to make it an institution.

The same goes, IMHO, for strict definitions of who is "real in The Life" as opposed to others who are more casual about it.

I fall into the so-called "instant gratification" or "fantasy realization" bracket more often than not, but I don't come in here for that. If I wanna get laid I simply head to the Club or other setting where those of like mind can connect.

In here I never initiate contact (as in picking a face from the crowd whose profile tickles my fancy and messaging him or her out of the blue) I only respond to those who message me and, as per my profile, I tell them like it is. In general they want to hang out and exchange occasionally saucy messages as friendly contacts or they go away. No harm, no foul.

I'm here to read, digest and appreciate the thoughts, opinions and experiences of others who may or may not have more experience or a fuller investment in the BDSM life, for edification.

Sometimes, like now, I'll stick my two cents in, but by and large, and to cut to the chase, I like a little-- (or more than a little if I am lucky) pain with my sex but it does not define me. Outside of the bedroom and/or the flogging post, I'm an ordinary everyday working member of society who is willing and able to engage others in interests aside from sexuality.

Bunnie • Jul 14, 2018

I really like this question JOhnDoe, and I look forward to hearing different views about it. This is a question I asked when I first came here. I’ve come to realise that for me, at this point in my journey, the answer is yes... I have love attached to my submission. Because trust, honesty, openness, respect, adoration and devotion are connected to it, it’s inevitable for me... it goes hand in hand. I see it as a relationship, which definitely determines who I choose to pursue it with.
Having said that, I do believe it’s possible to bottom without being in love... in my experience, I can bottom to a play partner and not be in love with them, however, I still form a very strong bond... even if it’s not considered love. I do see a difference between submitting and bottoming though... so when it comes to submission, for myself, it’s within a relationship, so it does involve love.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jul 14, 2018

JOhn, as you don’t strike me as a “Do unto me as you wish oh great and powerful one” person, I feel comfortable saying that apart from following the Golden Rules of SSC and/or RACK there are not that many hard and fast rules in BDSM.
However, as in all life styles and passions, I believe that the further out/away you go the more extreme things can get and rules go out the window.
But for you, love is absolutely up to you.

In other words (apologies I do tend to waffle at times) there is nothing to say you can not love your other/others.
We are all bound to have some sort of feelings/emotions for ‘the other’.
Even though we enjoy BDSM, it generally doesn’t define a person.
We are (the majority) normal people who like our sexual experience with a little more hot sauce than others.

Note: should you ever notice that there isn’t any emotion or empathy (or the Tobasco is running off the plate) from who ever you are with then I would suggest you run as far and as fast as you can away from that person/persons.
Trust me when I say that it will end in tears, and not in a good way.

For a sub to allow them self to be put into a position of vulnerability takes trust.
For a Dom/Domme to accept that trust makes them vulnerable too.

My online Profile was always titled with “It takes time and trust”

But, then again I’m old school, a gentleman sexual Dom. What do I know?
I still believe ‘Sick’ means your unwell; ‘friend with benefits’ means you have a buddy with a discount card for Walmart, an app called Tinder destroyed romance.

Oh, by the way, I’m 57 and I married my Kitty who is 33.
We love each other, cuddle, kiss and hold hands when and wherever we wish.

NrsGoodBody​(switch female){FREEspirit} • Jul 14, 2018

There are many different types of bonds that you will experience in kink. A Dom told me "there *ought* to be feelings in kink or it isnt real". Those feelings are highs and lows, ebbs and flows, good and bad. There are so many but it is because we are vulnerable in ourselves with out darkest secrets exposed in such a vulnerable way that when we experience these highs and lows, it can be shocking to our system. I know it is to mine. The feelings are real........ the bond is real.

My bond makes me happy to protect and be protected. It was built on trust and friendship. I love him very much but I'm not in love with him. It's hard to explain. It makes me happy to be cared for, to be safe and to grow. It makes me happy that he is happy providing those things and doing those things for me. I am honored and humbled to have the experience and to have someone in my life that invests in me to lift me up, make me whole, better and it's not for him that he does these things. He teaches me because he is making me better for me. I love the power I feel in my bond to Sir. There's a lot more to it but that's the basics. I love the strength, confidence, care and love he has shown. I see it as a chance to be better, do better and help someone else do and be the same.



The bond is so much more to me. It is a soul searching process in which I want to grow and learn from. I want to take something away from it that enhances me and feeds me, not just provides me orgasms. My bond is a connection that he and I share, deeply, because of the work we have put into it. It is whatever YOU want itto be. What YOU put into it and what YOUget put of it.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jul 14, 2018

Help secure the wings so that your sub can fly.
Provide a safe place for them to land.

J'Oh • Jul 15, 2018

It sounds like im too eager, again, for this... i wont run away but ive got to calm down.
I want instant gratification but i want it long and lasting.
I dont want it to be an institution but theres a lot of order there.
I dont know if i could submit to someone without feeling some sort of love for them. To hear loving someone and not being in love with them makes a lot of sense too.

For me, i wanted this with my partner. BDSM (for me) has come off as a way to express myself sexually while making myself vulnerable. Its been a way to give myself away and to have someone Take me away. -- i know thats not exactly healthy.. but is that not what it is?
this is why i asked about love.



Now, I see that there are many directions to go with "How to feel about bdsm"
But this definitely gave me a piece of something im looking for.

What i really take from this: "Theres many ways to love. And its possible to love BDSM without loving every aspect (human or action) of it"

Ill have to find what I love in it.. without getting too caught up in who.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jul 15, 2018

Not wanting to go off topic here JOhn, but if you are fairly new to BDSM as a sub, you might be skirting around a phenomena known as ‘Sub Frenzy’

When a sub type personality enters the lifestyle, they are thrilled to experience all the freedom, adventure, kink and fun this world has to offer. 
It also allows people (subs/ bottoms etc) to finally express their deepest needs – to serve.
A sub finds themselves in this lifestyle; it’s a new, fun, thrilling, exciting, erotic and … orgasmic.
A lovely change to the vanilla world. 
If this person enters the lifestyle haphazardly, without due diligence and research, direction, a steady grounded hand to guide or mentor them; it is very easy to get in over one’s head quickly. 
Unfortunately, a lot of newer subs fall prey to less than honorable and ‘wanna be’ dominate types, and the “I want it all and want it right now” syndrome appears.

Note (suggestion): if you meet someone who wants you to call them Master, Sir, Mistress, Your Lordship, Your Ladyship, #1, Big Cheese, El Capitano .... etc, and you have only just met; be polite and respectful, ask to exscuse yourself to the restroom, jump through the little window and run like hell.
It’ll only end in tears, and not in a good way.
Respect is earned not demanded (otherwise that’s subdigation).
If your at a Munch for example, observe who is at ease, liked and respected by others, and those who stomp around puffing their chests out.
Remember it’s ok the say “Yes I am a sub, but I’m not your sub” (but do so politely of course).

 But to get back on track......
Here are some of the main actions that characterize sub frenzy I picked up off from Mr.Googly......
(I draw your attention to exhibit #10 your Honour)
 
1 Playing too soon with someone you just met.  [Especially online] Not vetting this person thoroughly with background checks or lifestyle references.
2 Not asking questions or learning to negotiate your wants, needs or limits
3 Meeting for the first time in a private location
4 Not setting up or following through with Safe Calls [letting someone know exactly who you are with or where you are as well as checking in periodically with the safe call contact]
5 Playing too often.
a Not taking time between play sessions to process everything experienced.  [One needs time to absorb and take inventory mentally and emotionally as well as possibly heal]
b ** Endorphin release/altered states of mind from intense and pain play add to this issue. **
6 Engaging in unsafe/unprotected play
7 Not using safe words in play
8 Engaging in types of play that one is not educated about or knows enough about what is safe, what your limits may be.
9 Surrendering/Agreeing without question
a This is partially due to their submissive nature but partially due to the need to give in to and please another regardless of gut feelings, better judgment and safety. Newer subs may not understand we still have the right to say NO.  Self-preservation takes a back seat in extreme cases.
10 Falling in love or wanting a commitment before a bond has been established
11 Accepting the first offer of a collar or play partner [at times falling prey to un-reputable or unsafe dominate types who are out to prey on these subs]
12 Withholding personal information/health information just to engage in play or service
 
To be fair, it’s not only new sub’s that have fallen a foul to sub frenzy. 
Seasoned submissive/slave/bottoms have been known to fall victim to this problem.
Sub Frenzy is, loosely, a state of mind that a sub may experience at any point in their lifestyle journey.

Hope this helps.