Monogamous in BDSM: When single: what to do?/How did you find your partner?

Monogamous in BDSM: When single: what to do?/How did you fin

FoxyPhilosopher​(sub female) • Aug 7, 2018

Alright. I don’t know where to ask this so I’ll have it ago in here.. Here it goes:

I’ve just discovered this universe in the past few months and therefore I’m very new. I do think I need time to ponder all of these things. But I am very interested and I think it’s something I’d want in my life. However though; I have never had a relationship - yep. 23 year old virgin here.. And I’m introvert. And shy. So I find it hard to meet people. I’m not in a rush to sex though.. Maybe I’m asexual. I can’t seem to figure all of these things out.

As it seems most men who are interested in BDSM in different matters are often between 40 and 65 in age (at least where I am looking.) My personal prefered age-range is 27-36. (not carved in stone though).

I find it hard to navigate in all this as a single also. I’ve recently attended a munch (not a big town - we had less than 10 people show), but mostly it’s people who are in a thing with someone and of course I get that it’s also not a dating service or a place to hook up.

I also had a chat with someone on a dating profile who asked if I was aware that it’s an environment, where most people aren’t looking for monogamous things, as that is what I want..

But I’m a part of vegan facebook-dating groups where a lot of people are also non-monogamous lifestylers in vanilla, so I don’t think it’s a particular thing in BDSM-world..?
I think it's a 21.century thing. It's okay most places today unlike 50 years ago or so.. It's just that people have changed their viewpoint on the issues in these times..

How do you go about being single in this world?/How did you find your mate?

Lady Cel​(sub female) • Aug 7, 2018

Hi there.

First and foremost, I want to state that just because you are not in a rush to have sex and you want to be with the right person but haven't met that person yet--doesn't make you asexual. If you were, of course, that is completely okay. Keep your options open and continue to look what would be a good fit but don't ever feel forced to make something or someone fit. Also, you don't need to prematurely give up because your ideals do not seem to fit what you believe society's new standards and ideals are.

I am not a virgin but I am also single, looking for something monogamous, and prone to being more introverted and shy. I am 30 and I have known that I was into BDSM for more than half my life so far. You said you are 23, discovered this about yourself recently, and have already been to a munch! Good for you, truly. Some day I will make an effort to be brave and do the same. Kudos.

As far as your concern about how to meet people? I would say it is complicated. Dating always is. You can try to meet other kinky people online that are openly kinky. You can continue to go to events for kinky people. You can meet people online using your standard dating sites--Just be upfront about your kinky interests if you do hit it off with someone. If it scares them away then they are not meant for you. What do you enjoy doing in public? For me, I may be more inclined to attend a casual game night at a comics and games shop or go to a concert. Meet people who enjoy doing activities you like to do and if you click with them, find out if they are kinky like you are and take it from there.

Just be prepared to meet a lot of people that you may hit it off with and will like well enough, but they may not be kinky at all or be the kind of kinky that pairs well with you. That is always disappointing. It can be tough finding the right mate, but it is worth it.

FoxyPhilosopher​(sub female) • Aug 8, 2018

Thank you. It makes a lot of sense. We are all humans and we have to meet at that point.