Jigsaw's Playhouse

This last week it was brought to my attention that I had been doxxed. My daughter's mom in her own stupidity and small mindedness decided to tell my daughter that I was controlling, abusive and just some really terrible things. The funny thing is that when I try to do good, it often bites me in the ass. 

She described my last relationship to her. 

Rewind first. A couple of years ago, her best friends, daddy, husband and Dom passed. She said she wasn't eating, wouldn't leave the house and was full of ao much grief and mourning that she was worried.Now, anyone who knows me, knows I will always try to educate those about the ls. I explain my current dynamic at the time. Schedules, taking care of oneself, motivation and also som of the sadist side of me. 

Fastward forward to this past week. That's when I was told even thought this happened weeks ago. The conversation I guess made it a non issue and put my kid's mind to rest. 

Someone who is a big part of me and that I have cared about for years and may always.... Got in contact with me. My daughter and her remain friends even though we have parted ways. She explained to me what was said. That my daughter was told everything. My daughter was told so many incorrect and down right fucked up things about me. 

Her mother expressed that she was worried I was keeping her from seeing her and her family. That I was like that in my relationship. 

Welp. Again. She didn't come to me. The conversation was brought up at a lunch with my former sub.

The thing that really made me feel good. My daughter (who is almost guaranteed a sub) was able to hear from the person I spent the longest in any dynamic with about me in the lifestyle. I guess in ways it did work out. She has an understanding from someone who I've seen as precious to me for many years. Some who knows me better than anyone will ever know me, in and out of the lifestyle. She was told about the care, compassion, the way I always did what I could to better her and always always was present when she needed. 

I talked with my kiddo a couple days after. She pretty much told me that the way it was explained, it makes sense. That it's just me and even the way I treat her and handle the house, is the same. 

Guess this is kind of a vent, but honestly it just made me feel pissed but after a few days to think on it, I guess if it was going to happen, this was a good way to. 

My friends know I always thought my daughter saw me as this kind gentle guy who would never ...

Well I guess that's who I actually am lol....jkjkjk I already knew that, but it made me feel good to know that she got this from someone who has been in my control and knows what I stand for as a Dom

 

Thank you to the universe and for the guidance I've received from my friends here and those I learned the fundamentals from. And thank you to the one that cleared it up and made sure that my kid knew what her dad truly was all about.  That conversation put her in a place that she truly understands me and what I stand for from someone that her mom was directly talking about. Guess I am always right when I say she's the one that got away. Some people in our lives touch us and help us, even when they don't have too. Those are the ones that are truly special. 

So over the last few days I've taken some time to just chill and do some normal things around the home. I baked a cheesecake pie. while I love cheesecake, I've never taken the time to actually make one. No no bake here. I actually took the time to make one from scratch. It felt good to just relax and listen to my book (4th wing) and did something for just me. No wondering who would like it or if it was healthy.  Don't get me wrong I did over 14k steps each day following to earn the parts of it I did eat before eventually throwing it out. It made me think about certain choices and things I've done over the past two years. How I've been so wrapped up in what goals I set for others, that I didn't take the time to just do for me. I relaxed over the last couple of days outside of working out which is something else that I do enjoy doing but after so long not doing it, it hurt lol

 I think often times when we enter in dynamics and don't lay things out in a way that are 100% clear we can lose sight of ourselves and what we need or want as well. Yes the relationship is amazing,but will quickly suffer and end if you don't do for you. Balance is something I've been warned of so many times by mentors and friends. It is something that you need to have and should be laid into any dynamic. You can put so much time and effort that you can suffocate the one that you are with. Make it where they don't know anything but you, and you them.

All this from a simple cheesecake. 

3 wishes. 

1. I would like to have one more dinner with my mom and he able to say goodbye b

2. 1 mulligan for 7/21/2023 to redo that entire day

3. I would like to be able to ensure happiness and an easy life my child. 

Any man can tell her she is beautiful.

You can see it in her face,

her curves those eyes,

that smile.

Any one can see that and tell her she is a knock out, hot or really sexy.

But when  I tell  little one she is beautiful

It comes from a different place.

Somewhere deeper.... so much deeper

It isnt just directed at the skin deep.

Its to her heart

her soul

her everything that captivates me.

And all of those things have made it so easy to feel what I do about her.

The way that she and only her can bring me to a standstill

Stop the rage and pain I feel inside.

Calm my head and make me feel so very good.

With just a good morning Daddy.

The way she can bring out the real smile and not the one I use to make the world think its all ok.

she is the only one that knows when I am down or upset, even before I know sometimes.

So when I tell you that you are beautiful

I mean it in the way no one else will ever see you..... the way I get to.

The complete you.

Magical beasts do exist, and thank you for reminding me of that each day I have you.

 

Today I learned something that I've always told family, friends and the people that mean the most to me. 

"It's ok to not be ok." Anyone who knows the real me knows that I am a firm believer of this. I always try to be the strong shoulder or voice of reason to the people that truly mean something to me in my life. I'm the friend that shoots the message "hey you ok?" And then will drop the line after when they say yes. The dad that says it to his daughter, or the Daddy that will with little one. I've always been the kind to be strong. Today I realized, thanks to My girl, that I should take my advice and lead with example when it comes to my kiddo. 15 years and I honestly can't think of a time that she has ever seen her dad cry. I've always been the rock. The solid state emotionally and always have been able to keep it together no matter the situation. 

This afternoon, I couldn't. While it made her cry more because of the situation, baby girl told me it was good for her to see her dad is human and does cry. To let her see it is truly ok not to be ok and that it is ok to cry. Damn. I never thought that me being strong and holding it down could be showing her the exact opposite of what I've always tried to teach her. That its ok to go to the people that mean the most. Its ok to be vulnerable and its ok to show your emotions and to not have it together. In "holding it together," I guess I was showing her different than what I have always told her. Damn.....

Thank you little one 

 

How is it with one simply comment or reply
That she can create such a divide
The wall that I have so securely built
Falls, releasing the true me within
The truth i keep hidden
The one that most would ever  believe
That could hide in someone
Like me
The carefree and giddy
The chill and the mellow
The nice guy
That stoned dude with his head in the sky
The darkness that no one sees
The pain
The rage
That makes such beautiful things
How I can go from 0-him
With just a look
A smell
A touch
A sound
So how is it
She can see the same beauty
That I see
My marks, her bruises
One in the same
The feeling of rage
And the heat of my pain
My touch like sandpaper
Drives her insane
So how is it
She sees
So much beauty in all of me

Well the challenge has been issued. Let's do it ladies and gentleman. My contribution....... the pics I was willing to share anyway and also my outfit for the chill NYE get together.

So, at the request and suggestion of a woman, I decided to participate. Albeit a tiny bit late, but hey the challenge was Lady in Red, and let's see... nope not a lady. ?

Just dressed for nice evening a few months ago! Miss the hawk, mihht make a cameo soon!!!