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Silent Observations

Just my random thoughts as I try to learn and grow
3 days ago. Tue 20 Aug 2019 11:26:25 AM IDT

Oh my goodness, the two guys at the start of this clip are the choreographers. They move like sexy silk. Love seeing people flaunting their sexuality and being comfortable in themselves. Nothing is more sexy then confidence........ and Damn!!!!! They can work those heals. Enjoy 😁

 

 

4 days ago. Mon 19 Aug 2019 11:27:42 AM IDT

The word archetype for me is new and it came up in a conversation then I was having with a dominant. He talked about how important it is for people to understand which archtype they are and which type they lean towards. This is to help suit compatibility. For example if you are a little you may not be so best suited to be with a saddest. Just like a masochist probably would not be most forfiled with somebody who enjoys ageplay. In the world of BDSM there are so many different types that it can become confusing, however I think if you focus on the main elements, your main interests it will help you hone in on the kind of person you are seeking. Whether that be a dominant or a submissive or anything in between. It also helps you understand your own qualities abd what you can offer.

This got me thinking a lot about the expectations we have when we talk to somebody new. I believe that expectations are dangerous. If you enter a dynamic or relationship with an expectation you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Often we put expectations not only on those people we are talking to but on ourselves. Instead of just simply being ourselves and being honest with who we are. The more honest you can be and the more upfront you are, the better your connections and possible relationships will be. Because there is no facade, there is no games, it is only you, them and the truth. 


So back to archtypes this got me questioning how they fluctuate. For people who like me, had not heard of the word archtype basically it is a way to categorise different traits. So for example doing the BDSM test. This will give an indication of the traits that are currently your strongest. I will note though that I generally do this test over and over because my results fluctuate depending on who I'm talking to but there is always the top 2 or 3 that are the same. So those for me are the archtypes that I most strongly identify with. Keep in mind that these kinds of tests are just to help guide you. They're not an end all and be all. They are simply there to help you find a path that you can hopefully go and discover a little bit more about yourself. Go explore, go experience and go to learn the things that turn you on and the things that don't work. Do it safely, be smart about your choices and have fun.

Only through discovery and exploration will you find where you belong. Hopefully along the way you will find somebody special that can help draw those qualities out in you, rather than suppress you. Taking some time to actually think about the qualities that you desire in somebody else is time well-spent. This is not a race and the right people will understand your need for education and time to process. If they push or become aggressive and forceful you have your answer

3 weeks ago. Mon 29 Jul 2019 02:30:40 AM IDT

They say oh my god I see the way you shine
Take your hand, my dear, and place them both in mine
You know you stopped me dead when I was passing by
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time
Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time
So I say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me oh oh oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me ay ay ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again
I said oh my god I see you walking by
Take my hands, my dear, and look me in my eyes
Just like a monkey I've been dancing my whole life
And you just beg to see me dance just one more time
Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time

 

 

For me sometimes I feel like this. A dancing monkey. Made to perform. Drawn into the act the excitement but at the end all I feel like doing is throwing monkey poo at everyone and eating a banana (maybe not in that order). For some reason this song always gets me up and moving. It motivates me when i get knocked down or trip over, which is kind of ironic. Thats me today, dusting myself off after falling on my face yet again. Oh well hope you enjoy xx

1 month ago. Fri 05 Jul 2019 04:54:37 PM IDT

I've been asked many times what it is in particular I like about rope. To be honest there are many elements that I enjoy. But I think at the root of my love for the art of it lays in what it gives me.

My mind is often very active and in my personal life I hardly ever sit still. I dont sleep much, I'm a singke mum and I work a lot. When I commit to doing something with rope a lot of that disappears. When I'm bound and unable to move I can't fight the Rope like I can everything else. Instead rope wraps me up in a blanket, it calms my thoughts, it slows my breathing and I've even noticed it raises my body temperature. It's almost as if it puts me to a meditative state . Cancelling out the noise around me.

Yes rope can be very erotic in play, being bound in positions open to others but in my first experiences I've had with rope it lays deeper than that. It brings me comfort, it brings me peace, it settles my thoughts and helps me concentrate. Because I can not fight against it, instead I happily give into it. Let it wash over me. Let it keep me in place, like pulling in stitches.
 

Rope was my first introduction to this world and it will always be with me.

 

1 month ago. Fri 05 Jul 2019 06:59:20 AM IDT

The past year has been an emotional awakening. I had spent so long keeping myself contained. To not rock the boat, to not displease those close to me.

This period has shown me many things about myself, some good some bad. The most important though is acknowledging what it is i want. Not only out of love but life. Today i have so many memories flooding through me that it is painful.

The birth of my children and the moments of strength and love i felt from my then partner, all the way through now with him saying I was an emotionless person. The part that hurt the most out of that was he was the one I thought new me the best out of anyone, even now that we were not together. But those words undid any of the last delusions I might have had. For so long thinking it was all my fault. That i should have tried harder, should have been more..... through to the memories of my deceased mother in law. Longing for her words and laughter. Missing even the moments when she drove me crazy. Its all in a ball in the pit of my stomach.

Deep down I know that these moments are what make me stronger. They are what help me grow and shape me to who I am. That his words although hurtful no longer hold me in my cage. Instead they slowly and painfully open me back up again.... by letting me go. Helping me see what was good for me and what is not.

So now it's like im learning to feel again.
Learning how to function.
I cant go backwards.... so there is only one way. To let this heart cry as much as it needs. Till it is healed and learns to forgive itself. I think for me thats the hardest concept of all. Forgiveness of self. I wear the hurt with a smile as I drag my feet along the ground. But the heaviness is starting to crumble. To drop away. As I realise that I was being contained by a path that was never mine. That yes I made choices but given the chance I wouldn't change them.

Acceptance. Acknowledgement. Peace. Love..... I owe it all to myself before anyone else.

1 month ago. Tue 02 Jul 2019 07:07:44 PM IDT

Ive realised in my sleepless slumber that i have not been being true to myself. That in my search for someone i have been accepting people due to my own loneliness. Due to my desire to be wanted and needed.

I have lived a sheltered life. Due to that i find myself learning lessons that most might learn in their early 20's. I walk away from things feeling lost, hurt and for what? I give myself mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically too soon. Some who have met me might  disagree with that. Say im gaurded. The truth is i fall for the idea of someone and that can be dangerous. Because it is not them i feel for but for hope. 


So i am going back to being true to myself. No more meeting people because it's expected. If they can not communicate to me on a standard level and hold a conversation then NO.


If they push early on to try play or control me. Then NO.


However if they take the time to get to know me, show interest, take time and show respect, give me desire, give me dare i say romance...... i can get sex or play no problem. But that's not what im after. And im quite happy to wait......


See maybe the past few little things that I've experienced have been because i lost sight of myself. I fell for hope rather than reality. I dropped my standards for good looks and attention. From now on Im waiting for that pull. Ive felt it before and i know i will again, it just might take some time.

2 months ago. Sat 22 Jun 2019 09:43:07 AM IDT

We all have different versions of a unicorn. Different requirements, different desires. Sometimes we think we know what we want and other times questioning whether we can bend the rules. But the reality is I think we only bend the rules when we get tired of looking for that unicorn. It's ok to want what we want. And it can be tiring and lonely as we wait and look for that person or persons. I think one of the hardest things to do is to stay true to yourself. Many people will try and convince you that they are perfect for you. Promise you the world. These are the ones that I'm cautious of. I rather the ones who are real who have baggage and issues because that makes them human. Nobody is perfect and I don't want perfect. I just want the one who is perfect for me. 

I was contemplating whether I was missing out on opportunities and special connections by not bending my rules. But these rules are more than that, they are my morals. If I lose sight of my morals then I Lose Myself. I feel that I could very easily enter something casual that offered me false hope. But in the end I would still be searching for the same thing. I feel that it would be more damaging to be with somebody who does not necessarily cherish me the way that I need. Who doesn't want only me. I wish to be enough, I wish to be their everything, not there something in between. And return they deserve more than that from me as well. 


I can't bend my morals, I have to have faith that in time when I am more settled things will fall my way.

2 months ago. Thu 20 Jun 2019 01:01:44 PM IDT

My Little side had a tiny dose of attention this week. She received affection. Long cuddles, gentle strokes and held down kisses. It left me feeling light, happy and hopeful. Best part was i completely underestimated this person. He came from nowhere and pulled me in. His space was calm, affectionate and respectful.

I think one of the worst things for a little sometimes is to dream. I try my hardest to stay level headed most times. To not let my heart run away from me. But sometimes no matter how hard I try that little girl just wants to dream.


Today though, a few days after her dose of cuddles and kisses her dreams were washed away. By the words of saying he thought our connection was strong, that  he thinks im amazing and interesting but he can only offer play and no more. Now i really was doing well at being level headed this time. I was just taking it as it comes. 
But in one foul swoop the idea of more was chopped off at the knees. Not just for me but him too. He was equally upset and talked to me all day. I can't help feel like we are missing out on something truely and deeply amazing. All because i struggle to just simply play. Im too sensitive. And he is not ready for more.

I've heard a saying before that when you meet someone and it feels like it's just wrong timing, it's not the timing it's the person. How can it be wrong when it felt so comfortable, so connected and so easy. 
So tonight my Little is trying to shelter under blankets but it's not working. When I close my eyes I remember our cuddles and how he felt laying next to me. Relaxing to my touch. Today I comforted him and said it was ok. That i understood.... i guess someone forgot to tell my Little that 

2 months ago. Mon 17 Jun 2019 05:35:27 AM IDT

I want to taste tears
I want to free the beast from its cage
Mad like my aging soul
I want to make it all
Worth something
Worth the guillotine on my head
I'm a fantastic wreck
Wrecking everyone around me
I'm a fantastic wreck
And if I'm a little bit deranged would you not
Estrange me
Or change me
And if I can write your name can I be
Angry and
Nasty
And if nothing else can change me
And I am just this way then
Would you love me?
I want to tease skin
I want to lace wings from all the faults in my name
Walking heavy on a crystal life
I want to make myself
Worth something
Worth the thoughts that run through my head

 

 

2 months ago. Sat 08 Jun 2019 12:41:09 AM IDT

I would love to love you. 

To press my breasts up against your skin. To open up my legs and let you bury yourself deep within. For my wetness to be yours and to cover you in it. To let you push me to the place where my body quivers and my mind is clear. To the place where my heart is full. 


I would love you with my caressing fingers that would touch you all through the day. To make sure that you are comfortable. To talk deeply with you and openly . So that I may know every piece of you. I would love to make things right for you to care for you, to cook for you, too clean for you. 


I would sit on aching knees for you. 
I would have prickly skin for you. I would love to be used by you. 


Because I know this is what you deserve. What you deserve is my everything. Because that's what you give to me. Even the smallest of touches. Your heart, your mind, your control, I love it all . No safer place is in your arms or sitting between your legs. As you caress my hair and look down lovingly into my eyes. I would love you forever if you would be mine.