Silent Observations

Just my random thoughts as I try to learn and grow
1 day ago. Tue 19 Jun 2018 03:20:09 PM IDT

Eyes try to focus in the darkness. To try to see any form, make out anything of significance. Mouth is dry and i can hear my heart beat in my ears its that quiet. I dare not move in case i am seen and pushed out even further. The edges are dark and quiet but they offer a form of safey. Im cold. So very cold. How i would love to make my way to the middle where it is warm. Wrapped up in love and devotion. To have that fire so close it could burn me. I remeber its touch. If i concentrate hard i can almost feel it. A wetness graces my cheeks at the thought of my lost warmth. The coldness stinging my face and piercing my heart.

My ears twitch at the slightest of sounds to my right. I hold my breath and try not to move. Do i pretend i didn't hear it? Do i make a last dash effort for the centre. Push my way through the rough woods in complete cold and darkness for a little bit of heat and light. Or do i wait patiently hoping that you might find me and guide me back.

 

There it is again. I know i didn't imagine it this time. That sound. But im not sure what it is. A warm strong hand forcefully grips and pulls my wrists. Stumbling to keep up. But which way am i being pulled to the centre or closer to the edge? If only i could see the face and know who controls me.  Am i going to the fire or kicked out of my beloved kingdom 

3 days ago. Sun 17 Jun 2018 01:52:38 PM IDT

Trying to shift my focus and i wanted to relay that in a blog post.
Ive been stuck in a hole.
Well I feel I was put there but I keep on trying to pull people under me to use as ladders to claw myself out.
So enough of the self loathing poor me crap.

I'm submissive by nature. I am not aggressive but i can be bossy. I can also be extremely stubborn. Im needy but in a good way ;) I fall for people easily. I create connection easily. But I am not easy lol.

I take effort. I take communication and lots of it. I take funny jokes and sarcasm to open up. I enjoy a strong hold on my head and heart to feel valued. I enjoy service, rules and rituals. Beyond enjoy. I love it. I love knowing i have pleased the one who pleases me. I love feeling that connection through physically doing what is asked of me. I love to give, and do it freely once i am assured that i am loved and cared for. So yes i am submissive but guess what. Im also a human being......

What??!!! Oh yeah did you miss that point. That i have actual feelings. That i can be a mess and emotional and a bitch. Yep thats me. But that is when i feel a dominant should shine. To see that my lashing out is a cry for help. To hold me and let me get it out. To tell me no matter what im still theirs and loved. To punish me when needed. To talk with me till my brain is calm. Dont ignore me. Ever. This is detrimental and damaging. All this does is teaches me how to be without. How to live without. That is not what i want.

Because another part of being human. I am not perfect. No one is. My life right now is difficult and that means sometimes i cant hold my shit together. Please don't chastise me for that. I am human. I am submissive. I am loving. I am needy. I am giving. I am in the process of falling back in love with myself. Not an easy thing to do. I have decided to try to add skills to my service. Hence this is an area that makes me happy. Dance, massage, cooking classes and anything else i can think of.

Trying to undo the mental ropes stopping me from feeling free, put their by others BUT i let them keep them there. I let them tye me down. Because i knew no different. But i do now. Slowly those ropes are being untied and their strength becoming weaker. I have never ever been pushed to question myself as i have on this little exploration of self. And i love it. It is hard. It is daunting but i am learning sooo much. Even the pain of the mind and heart has me leaping for joy. I am alive. I am pushing myself. Who knows where i will end up (hopefully tied up somewhere with the man i love hands on my throat or entangled roughly in my hair) mmmm distracted where was i... oh yeah right..... change. Im changing it all. But it is a slow process. I shouldn't say change actually more an evolution. Im not changing. Just my circumstances are. So i hope you enjoy my Rollercoaster. If you have been able to follow this post and get to the end, then well done i applaud you lol. Although im not sure it was communicated clearly this was intended to be positive. I feel the change within that i have been waiting for. To stop sitting around. To be proactive. I will still be emotional at times and i brat as well (just learning how much i can be that way recently) but i am getting up and attacking rather than sitting there and taking whatever is handed to me. Growing a spine :)

Sending much thoughtful love xx

Star

4 days ago. Sat 16 Jun 2018 12:07:03 AM IDT

My needs

My wants

My desires

They are all different yet somehow the same. All linked. If one is off they all follow. I find myself yearning for things of my past and also for new experiences. And to be honest it surprises and scares me. It pushes me into a hole and i keep finding myself having to claw my way out. Why? Because I am too stubborn to let people help me.

I close off. Say i can do it myself. Then pout when I'm lonely and fall deeper. Its a stupid process i seem to do often. Only the very strong and just as stubborn i find break their way through.

I'd like to think i am kind and caring, always giving. I am when it means helping others. Not so much when it means opening myself up. So on the outside it might be perceived as pretty and perfect but it is far from it.

I find connection with people easily. The hard part is showing them who i really am. Maybe out of fear. Im not sure. Maybe i dont know who i really am for myself. So i keep smiling behind a facade but that little devil inside just waits her turn to show her horns. To bite and scratch......

 

Im still needy. Im still stubborn. Im still selfish. Im also harsh on myself and my worst enemy. Im critical and methodical. Not only of myself but those around me. Think i need a session on my knees and stripes on my back. Feeling out of place.....

1 week ago. Tue 12 Jun 2018 10:35:31 PM IDT

Since joining cage something has changed in me that i never used to be. Reliant on chat. Whether that be in the lobby, bond or my circle on other chatting apps. Using contact from others to make me feel loved. Whether this be from friends or my Dom. I have no issue making friends but in real life I'm introverted and tend to keep to myself. I dont go into great deep conversations with people. But i love the human mind and figuring out how people work. Since making a few friends here that has been my favorite past time. Chatting lol.

So i am consciously trying to occupy my mind with other things. I feel it is for the best. Not trying to pull away but realising how much I use those around me to keep me amused. Even my dom. Relying on him to do the same. Occupy my time. Im greedy that way. I want all the attention but its not realistic when it comes to work and life. I would take it all if i could 😊. So for now I sit reading, writing and painting. To take joy in the peace. Thanks for reading my thoughts for the day

2 weeks ago. Sat 02 Jun 2018 03:14:51 PM IDT

The trap is set.

The sweet honey is placed in the middle of the elaborate setting. Teeth opened wide and pinned back waiting so patiently to lure you in. The honey glistens in the sunlight, looking so golden, so pure, so delicious.

You know you shouldn't touch. Then that voice creeps into your mind as you sit staring at its golden beauty.

Just a taste.

You could have just a little taste.

No one would know.

I mean they left it here for you to try.... right?!

 

So you take a step closer. Cautiously. Slowly. Checking over yr shoulder.

It all looks fine. No one is around.

Just you and the honey and the wires that you can not see.

Waiting.

Calling to you.

Taste me.....

3 weeks ago. Tue 29 May 2018 02:20:52 PM IDT

I wasn't sure whether to post this here or not but it is something that I have been struggling with.

I am by most standards a conservative person. If you knew me in RL or passed me on the street I doubt you would notice me or know my inner desires and kinks. I do love to dress up and feel sexy but that is generally reserved for going out at night or behind closed doors. Im not a natural flirt. I prefer to blend into the background. To sit quietly and people watch. Yet i still want to feel sexy. Within myself and for myself.

Usually i would do this in my daily life by wearing heals to work, or no underwear, maybe a tightly fitted dress, the perfune i wear or have my hair pinned up. But right now i have a new job where i am lifting and moving heavy items. I wear runners and shorts or long pants to work as they are practical. I like to leave my hair out instead simply to give me the softness I desire.
Now I know some of you will say its not the clothes but the attitude that makes a woman sexy or desirable. Yeah yeah yeah but how do i make myself feel that way when all i see is bland. Tell me yr sexy secrets cause i need some help.

Before you start I am told daily that I am beautiful or sexy but I need to feel it within myself and I simply dont right now. So any guidance from you gods and goddeses would be welcomed

3 weeks ago. Thu 24 May 2018 01:49:30 AM IDT

I wish to speak of something unusual. The difference in mental submission, service submission, physical submission and sexual submission. (If you come up with more I am more than interested to talk about it).

Now i have always been submissive by nature. I used to wander what people ment when they said this but for me I completely understand what that means to me now. That i have ALWAYS had a deep desire to please others. It is not about sex. It is about the pleasure i receive in making others happy. But when i tried to break down the meanings of submission i also realised there are different types. And this is simply what they mean to me. They will mean something different to everyone and what comes easily to me might be someone elses limit.

Mental submission. Being able to give my thoughts and feelings over to another. To trust them to grow and nurture me. Help my emotional barriers come down. To do without a second though, as he wishes. That even though yes i am my own person and i have my own characteristics, yet let them enter that safe space of mine. No secrets. No barriers. To know my thoughts inside and out. And most important for me the element of actually knowing that I am owned, desired and cared for. To be loyal and not stray.

Service submission. This one i enjoy a lot and comes naturally to me. Making my Master happy with the small things i do. Remembering how he likes his coffee or ensuring the house is to his standards. Serving drinks at a party or anything he may desire. As long as i get acknowledgment and appreciation for this service i am happy. And that can be as simple as a Good Girl or telling me i have pleased my Master.


Physical submission. For this one i have labeled for any play that occurs but no penetration has happened. Like bondage and impact play. To be able to explore and experiment in a safe environment. To build upon trust. To hand my body physically to someone to touch and feel. As long as all actions are consenting. This is the fun part. Well for me anyway.

Sexual submission needs no explanation but for me this is the one that presents the biggest battle. I easily submit physically, service and mentally (which together also creates emotionally connected). Yet to hand over my sexual submission i find extremely difficult. This for me is an area that requires a lot of nurturing. If the other elements of the D/s dynamic are off even slightly you will not get sexual submission from me.

Ive never really broken these elements down before, to consider their differences or how they relate to eachother but i suggest taking a moment to see what areas yr most guarded on when thinking about yr submission and relationships. It is not necessarily a bad thing and everyones areas will be different. If you know where yr limits are and also the areas that bring you joy, it will be easier to find yr person. As well as tell them where they need to tread carefully. So that as a submissive you do not end up broken and damaged either emotionally, physically or mentally. Do not let someone push you past yr hard limits just because you are a "submissive". Your mind and body is yours and it is yr choice as well as yr responsibility to give them over. How much you give and what you give. Tread carefully and go slow my dear friends.

1 month ago. Sat 19 May 2018 07:26:24 AM IDT

I thought i would share photos of my morning walk. I belong to nature. It is calming and beautiful.

I love the smell of the trees and how it changes when i walk through different areas.

I love the coolness of the sea. The salt it leaves on my skin as i bath in the warmth of the sun. 

The sounds of the birds, the ocean, the peace.

This is a national park not too far from where i live. Where the bush meets the sea. Enjoy ?

 

 

1 month ago. Fri 18 May 2018 12:39:26 PM IDT

"Let's dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony
Everything is going wrong
But we're so happy

Let's dance to Joy Division
And raise our glass to the ceiling
'Cause this could all go so wrong
But we're so happy
Yeah, we're so happy"

? the wombats 

 

1 month ago. Sun 13 May 2018 06:58:48 AM IDT

Breaking the hold of a dominant is hard. Weeks and yes even months after being by myself I still found I was clinging to the rules and the rituals, sometimes without realizing. Still seeking that approval in any form I could get it. Because they brought me comfort and still installed hope. I don't see this as a bad thing, more stage of recovery that is required to be able to move on.

I was fortunate enough to find a person to shelter and guide me. To take me on when I did not think I was up to scratch. I was hurt and uninterested but with a calm patience I was settled. My mind put to ease and a peaceful warm blanket was wrapped around me.

Enough that last night I finally let go. I felt those things I was subconsciously clinging to where no longer required. It was a weight lifted that I thought I had broken free from. I no longer seek the approval of a ghost or to hear a single word. It is calming. I am light once more.