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Silent Observations

Just my random thoughts as I try to learn and grow
23 hours ago. Mon 17 Jun 2019 05:35:27 AM IDT

I want to taste tears
I want to free the beast from its cage
Mad like my aging soul
I want to make it all
Worth something
Worth the guillotine on my head
I'm a fantastic wreck
Wrecking everyone around me
I'm a fantastic wreck
And if I'm a little bit deranged would you not
Estrange me
Or change me
And if I can write your name can I be
Angry and
Nasty
And if nothing else can change me
And I am just this way then
Would you love me?
I want to tease skin
I want to lace wings from all the faults in my name
Walking heavy on a crystal life
I want to make myself
Worth something
Worth the thoughts that run through my head

 

 

1 week ago. Sat 08 Jun 2019 12:41:09 AM IDT

I would love to love you. 

To press my breasts up against your skin. To open up my legs and let you bury yourself deep within. For my wetness to be yours and to cover you in it. To let you push me to the place where my body quivers and my mind is clear. To the place where my heart is full. 


I would love you with my caressing fingers that would touch you all through the day. To make sure that you are comfortable. To talk deeply with you and openly . So that I may know every piece of you. I would love to make things right for you to care for you, to cook for you, too clean for you. 


I would sit on aching knees for you. 
I would have prickly skin for you. I would love to be used by you. 


Because I know this is what you deserve. What you deserve is my everything. Because that's what you give to me. Even the smallest of touches. Your heart, your mind, your control, I love it all . No safer place is in your arms or sitting between your legs. As you caress my hair and look down lovingly into my eyes. I would love you forever if you would be mine.

3 weeks ago. Sun 26 May 2019 12:36:57 PM IDT

You come home today. You've only been away for three days but i have missed you. Being an international pilot means some times we have limited contact when you work and it kills me. So I want to please you. I spent the whole day making sure that the house is clean the fridge is stocked with all your favourite food. My hair is right, my nails are done and my pussy is nice and smooth just the way you like it. I indulged myself in a little shopping and bought you something nice. Red and Lacy. Paying attention to the details. I know what time you're supposed to be getting home so I get to making everything right.

It's late. The house is dark accept for the faint twinkle of light from the battery T light candles that i have illuminating a path from the front door to the bedroom. And there you find me waiting. I smell you before I hear you, before I feel you. You're intoxicating. I hold my breath as I hold my pose. With my face buried in the sheets. I have my new red lingerie on. Knees in the edge of the bed, my ass high in the air legs wide. Presenting. Waiting. Dripping with excitement, knowing that you will find me this way. Your little welcome home present all wrapped up in a bow. 

My skin is covered in goosebumps as your warm hand caresses my ass cheeks. My skin aching for yr touch. You run your hands down the inside of my thighs, making my pussy clench, my excitement slowly dripping down my legs. You don't speak, you don't say a word. I wait for a command to tell me to move, to tell me what you want from me. Wanting so bad to feel yr hands on my, yr mouth yr cock. But instead I hear the crack before I feel the sting on my ass. I let out a squeak, instantly your strong hand grips my hair and pushes my head into the mattress. 

"Did I say you could make a sound a little one." Your voice strong and stern. I bite my lip and I shake my head and concentrate on staying perfectly still and silent. 

I feel you leave me, your hand, your warmth, your smell. Could i have upset  you? Are you not happy with your gift? I hear the sound of you removing your clothes in the bathroom and my heart races, my mouth is dry, all I want is for you to return to me, to touch me. My skin has missed you. I'm breathing deep & close my eyes trying to stay calm but my legs they quiver. I'm so much in my own head that I don't notice your return until I feel you push a plug inside me. The delicious that fills me. 

"Raise your head" you cover me in darkness as the blindfold goes on and i smile to myself. Holding my hand you pull me up to sit, then stand so that you may inspect what i am wearing.

I hear you circling me, your eyes feasting on me. Your lips are close to my ear when I hear your voice tell me that you're happy with what I've chosen. That you've had a long day and it's time for me to please you.

"Who do you belong to?"

"Im all yours baby" i sharp slap to my ass lets me know yr not happy with my response. "Yours Sir" i correct myself 

Your hands are warm and forceful but not rough when you place my cuffs on my wrists behind my back and clip them together.

"Show me, drop to your knees"

I do so bowing my head. Your fingers forcefully lace through my hair at  the back of my skull pulling my head back.

"Open" you command........

4 weeks ago. Sun 19 May 2019 09:34:32 AM IDT

Let me take you on a journey. I met someone a little while ago who opened up my mind, my heart and took me under their wing. He reached into my mind and made me feel things that I have not felt in a long time. I thought this could be the one. I thought this could be the one who could help me grow, to love me for who I truly was. Not was am. I was excited to meet and we had an amazing weekend together. But there was something wrong. It wasn't in the way that he treated me. Because when we were in our hotel in a little bubble, my world was almost perfect. The thing that was wrong was me. It was my fears. We had many differences but realistically they should not have mattered. I let these fears take somebody beautiful away from me. Somebody who made me feel loved,  empowered, cherished and wanted. When we talk now we still start from that same place. He says he would have done anything to have kept me. And it makes me wonder sometimes if I will find that again. And if next time I will be ready to accept it. I was scared. Not of him but of what it could have been become. He opened me up and now I'm so closed. Now I just float through ..........waiting. I read back over my diary notes of the days that I was with him. And it makes me wonder why I couldn't do it. I know it just means that he was not my one. My God it hurt to tell him that. I think I am emotionally maturing and that is not an easy thing to do. I thought as we got older this stuff is supposed to get easier. But with all the constant questioning of self and evaluating of everything around us I wonder if we lose sight of what's important to us. If we stopped judging. If we stopped having a checklist for everybody to meet. Life would be a lot more simple and a lot less exhausting. My goal now is to be more honest with myself. To be more open to possibility. So in the process I'm just spending time on myself. I figure that when I am ready the right kind of people will enter my life. So I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I don't disappear into the background.

4 weeks ago. Sun 19 May 2019 04:50:14 AM IDT

It's been a while i know..... so here is a funny. Well my kind of humour anyway

 

3 months ago. Wed 06 Mar 2019 02:32:50 PM IST

 

Ive forgotten how to feel sexy.

Or maybe i never really had it.

I often feel shy and awkward. I hate though that i struggle to feel sexy or desireable when I am single. When i have someone's attention however i seem to automatically switch on and its so stupid. Its kind of in reverse. I should be feeling sexy and flaunting it when im single..... right???

I really have no idea. But i do know i struggle with the idea of being perceived as desireable. I always have. Im sure that it has to do with the fact i have grown up with mostly male influences. And i consider myself to be a Tom Boy. As im good at sports, competitive and can work on my own car. I can kick it with the boys no problem.

I recently had someone say they thought i was the most feminine person they have ever met. I laughed so hard. But he continued to say that due to being in a male dominated environment i have not been given the permission to be the feminine creature they saw. And that permission needs to come from myself. To allow myself to be vulnerable in that form. I have been thinking of that of late and I feel there is a bit of truth to those words. That given the ability to let go and flourish in the safety of someones affections i tend to melt like butter. So now to figure out how to turn on my inner Lioness. Not to be promiscuous but rather to feel confident in my own skin.

3 months ago. Tue 19 Feb 2019 11:18:39 PM IST

I have a cycle that I tend to always do. A defense system which we all have and apply differently. It is there to protect us and keep us safe. But to let someone in past those defenses is to be truely vulnerable. To trust that they will not use those things against you. My defense like many is to emotionally block someone when they become too close. I can use work or stress to hide my insecurities and use as an excuse to hide.

First I acted like a brat, then I became defensive and pushed away..... and he didn't come back. He didn't play into my game. Said he could see I needed space so he let me be..... NO I think with a stomp of my mental foot. You are supposed to come after me, get me to open up not run away. It made me even more mad but I couldn't let it go. He said I could call. He allowed me to hear his voice before I slept which always settles me. And in that conversation he did what he does best. We talked. He analysed and told me to tell the truth. The real truth behind why was I acting this way. He pulled me open and revealed my vulnerability.


And I learned for me what my true submission is. Its not kneeling at someone's feet or letting them do glorious things to my body. It is my mind. To trust that my mind and my heart will be cared for. Im a control freak which is difficult in a submissive. So to let go of that mental control, to mentally hand my issues to someone else who I trust and just.... let..... go. Is the hardest thing for me. And as he said last night THAT is my true submission. To come to him and tell him I need him. Im an independent woman. But I need him and he will only enter my head space when I invite him. No games. He will just walk away if I don't ask. Acknowledging and then being vulnerable is so hard for me. Saying I need help. That I need him.

But he did it. And it makes my heart smile. I feel like a weight has been lifted. And by this weekend I also get to feel the strength of his words in the form of his embrace. To hold me till I no longer need holding. To just let me know everything will be ok. He has reached a part that very very few people have gotten past and he did it by breaking me down, seeing past my answers and asking for more. Till i was crying. Not because he was hurting me but because I was finally being honest. Then he told me the one thing that I never want to hear. That I failed. I failed because of my behavior but I did eventually correct that. That I am safe to fail with him and he expects it. Because that means I am learning him. I hate being told Ive failed. I hate feeling like I am anything but perfect which in itself is stupid. To let me crumble in front of him and to be told its ok. That he is still here just makes me long for him more. 

4 months ago. Sat 16 Feb 2019 02:00:03 AM IST

Grab me by my ankles

I've been flying for too long
I couldn't hide from the thunder
In the sky full of song

And I want you so badly
But you could be anyone
I couldn't hide from the thunder
In the sky full of song

Hold me down, I'm so tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky
Take me down, I'm too tired now
Leave me where I lie

~ sky full of song, Florence and the machine 

 

4 months ago. Sat 09 Feb 2019 04:01:37 AM IST

When things dont go right or turn out the way we want it hurts. We've all felt that pain. It's easy to feel unwanted and lonely. To analyze yourself and see where things went wrong. To grieve the loss of what could have been. Majority of the time it is because something or someone better suited to us is out there. That we fabricated who this person could be or a certain level we expect when really that is not them. We feel disapointed. All of this is normal and a process we all must go through.

Once this is over however we want to move forward. But maybe we are not ready to. Maybe we are still emotionally unavailable. Physically willing and heartfelt wanting but not emotionally ready to commit to someone else.

Sometimes we force this process and in turn end up hurting more people. Never truely alone for long, searching for our next person. If this sounds like you I want you to stop for a moment. Take a breathe. Understand that just like your past failed relationship where they could not satisfy your wants or needs, that again you are forcing a relationship/dynamic. To fill a deep longing inside. Its easy to use others to make ourselves feel better and wanted.

Sometimes its hard to know when you are ready to move on. Normally when someone catches you off guard and you have had the time by yourself to process, that means you might be open and ready. Do not be affraid to take the time to make sure that you can give all of yourself to the next person you choose to. This is not just aimed at submissives but at dominants as well. Im currently sitting on the otherside. I was pursued and captivated. Until it was time to meet and he realised he still had feelings for his ex vanilla gf. I understand. I get it. But dont expect me to chase you. The o ly thing thar has me still here is his honesty.

Just like anybody else I expect all of you. You will receive all of me. So I expect you to be consumed just as much as I am. That we are both able to build a dynamic together on equal levels. Yes equal. I am the submissive and i openly hold you above me, if you let me all the way in so that i can help you reach that high place. But emotionally and mentally contributing equal amounts.

So ask yourself if you are everything you think.

Physically ready. To have someone elses hands and lips (plus more) on you .... tick

Mentally ready to let this person in and show them my faults as well as my awesomeness.... tick

Emotionally available to give them every last breath of me...... tick

Then yes you're ready.

As always communicate and explain where you're at. If you are speaking to someone worth while they will understand. I dont expect my dominant to be perfect. I expect him to be human. But if you approach me you must be ready.

This stuff is real and people become invested. Take your time to make sure you are ok before you move on. Dont use others for your happiness, because when they are gone you will still be left with only yourself.

4 months ago. Wed 06 Feb 2019 10:06:02 AM IST

 

Want me to love you in moderation
Do I look moderate to you?
Sip it slowly and pay attention
I just have to see it through
You got me looking for validation
Pastures new
Want me to love you in moderation
Well, who do you think you're talking to?

[Chorus]
Then bow your head in the house of God
And little girl, who do you think you are?
You think you need it, you think you want love
You wouldn't want it if you knew what it was
Moderation
Moderation
Moderation (Ooh)

[Verse 2]
I never made it with moderation
No, I never understood
All the feeling was all or nothing
And I took everything I could
Can't hold it back, I can't take the tension
Oh, I'm trying to be good
Want me to love you in moderation
Well don't you know, I wish I could