Silent Observations

Just my random thoughts as I try to learn and grow
2 days ago. Tue 24 Apr 2018 01:51:02 AM IDT

Sometimes I have a ulterior ego. She and I like to sit and talk sometime. But most the time we argue. See we don't see eye to eye. And I don't always listen to her. We are very different and it makes me wonder how two people can live in one place. Lately she has been winning our fights and I'm not sure if I have always been her or if she is me. She takes more risks but also fills me with self doubt. I am unsure, when she is jumping in head first. It makes for interesting conversations at our table. I feel I'm loosing my will to fight her. I just cant be bothered anymore. And she is sitting there smiling at me smugly

1 week ago. Mon 16 Apr 2018 11:54:31 AM IDT

The power of your voice.

The softness that reassures me and greets me in the morning. It purrs with my snuggles and sweet morning kisses.

That growl that prevokes me. Sending goosebumps down my spine. When it drops down an octave to let me know you mean business. Whispering in my ear, before the bite, before the lick, before that kiss.

Its melody and smoothness. It invades my sleep and haunts me through the day. Makes my heart leap at the breif sound.

The ability to control me with a flick of yr tongue. To make me squirm at the thought of where that mouth has been.

The slight trembles that let me know I excite you. That I'm wanted. That Im desired. That I'm yours ........ Oh that magical voice......

2 weeks ago. Sat 07 Apr 2018 04:14:44 AM IDT

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It can move mountains and crumble soldiers.

Like most submissives I like to please. Even in my everyday life to people whome i do not submit to. If that makes sense. I try my hardest to see a positive in most things and at a minimum at least learn a lesson from a bad situation. But guilt is one I struggle to find a good outcome from or a positive message.

How can you learn from guilt?

When other people put their expectations or desires upon you, and deliberately guilt you to see their side or to do what they wish. Yes it is selfish but in a way we all do it. Friends, family and employers. Feeding off of my typical nature. And they may even justify it saying it is because they love you or they think that it is best. Adding manipulation to the dirty mix. (My parents for example are great at this)

So the only leason I have learned so far is how to try and rise above the strong hold that guilt often forms around my throat. To learn to be more selfish. Not arrogant. Not disrespectful. Simply learning to say no, because I dont want to. To speak up and be honest. To accept that my wishes, thoughts and feelings are just as important and valued. Even if only to myself.

I also think that guilt can be addictive. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to keep me stagnant or as a sheild to keep myself from being hurt further. Even guilting myself over things that i just should not worry about. So this is my goal for myself. To not let guilt hold me so tight. It will always have a place in my lufe as I feel it keeps me grounded.

So a little cuddle is ok but not with a boa constrictor lol

3 weeks ago. Thu 05 Apr 2018 08:59:35 AM IDT

Today I branded myself for myself.

Ive been thinking of this for a while and was so happy to get it done. I've never had a tattoo and I'm not the skull and crossbones type either. I'd chosen a simple star design made of lines and dots. Delicate and simple. I felt it reflected me well. I laughed with the big, burly, tattoo covered, bearded man who did my tat who seemed like a gentle giant about how technical and difficult my little tattoo was (that's sarcasm btw). It might only be small but to me it is mighty.


It means doing something for myself and of my own choosing. It represents the joy and freedom I have found as a submissive and hopefully my future as I want it. It is my choice and my decision. The freedom to break free from the ideals and restrictions of my vanilla life. When I feel cornered I will look to this to light my way and remind me these choices are mine. Yes I am submissive, yes I enjoy having a Master whom I obey. BUT it is my choice and my choice only. Letting my star shine bright. As my dear friend pointed out to me, I have grown a lot over the last few months. And although growth can often be painful I am happier in the uncomfortable and uncertain than the mundane and unpassionate.
So today was a day for me. A small step that made me so happy I felt I could fly.

3 weeks ago. Fri 30 Mar 2018 03:27:25 AM IDT

Its easy to feel like a cyclone. Like i leave a path of destruction along the way. To take in the feelings of others to fuel my storm. But my path is becoming more clearer now with each hard step forward.

Will it hurt.... oh hell yes. I hate to disappoint people or hurt them, which in turn hurts me. But staying where i am doesn't help anybody. Only masks my pain.
Will I loose people along the way? Most assuredly. They will see me as selfish or just not understand. They will judge me and try to fit me in their boxes so they can analyze me later. But by then I will be gone.
Will I be happy? Thats the plan 😊. To stay true to myself. To actually listen to my own desires for once and take control of my own future. Instead of letting life dribble past me, in a place that makes my soul sad. Giving everything i can to please and hold on but for what? Why stay when it only makes me worse...... that never helps anybody.

So I take a deep breath and keep pushing forward. Apologies if I hurt people but explain that this is the path I must take. Trying to minimize the damage I leave. And reach out for the hand trying to help me through....

1 month ago. Tue 20 Mar 2018 11:22:54 AM IST

What does it mean to be sexy or desirable.....

Is it the way you carry yourself. Oozing confidence.
Is it the clothes you wear (or dont).
Maybe it's the way you wear yr hair.
Is it the deep words that you speak and the thoughts you compose.
Is it your caring heart or delightful nature.
The way you bite your lip or shuffle in your seat when you start to get excited.
The smell of your perfume.
The flicker of desire in your eyes.
Is it the shape of your booty or the size of your bust.
Is it being big and beautiful, athletic or petite.
Or the deep yerning to sit at someones feet.
Many things make us sexy. Not just one element. So when you feel the light possibly fade from one remember you have many more things to offer. There are no right or wrong boxes. Being yourself in whatever shape and form that takes from day to day will change. But it is what makes us sexy and desirable. Every detail not just one "flaw". Embrace your qualities and shine

1 month ago. Wed 14 Mar 2018 11:09:07 PM IST

As I woke this morning I felt happy but slightly empty. How can you be both happy and empty? Well not empty but lonely. Yet again I am surrounded by people and have regular contact with friends. I receive love and yet I still feel the same. How? I know how? Because a large part of me is missing. No not the person, although I miss him dearly. I am not that much of a sap. It is the submission I miss. The giving. Not sexually but mentally and emotionally. The feeling of belonging completely to someone who cherishes my gift. So it leaves me feeling lost and a little lonely. Drifting through my day without a purpose. Yes I have other important things to do but they do not satisfy my need.

This is not an invitation for people to try and own me. Because that is not going to happen. I don't need you to satisfy my sexual needs. I have that already. It is more the realization of what submission means to me. It is more than my kinky thoughts. It is the feelings deep inside that becomes satisfied by giving all of myself to someone. And belonging. Finding that safe place. Feeling the strength of another both mentally, emotionally and yes eventually physically. For them to see and discover who I really am and help to pull me out of myself. Because in RL I hide who I am and it is exhausting but necessary.

I desire to find how much I can give (because I have an idea). To find my person to whom I belong and in return they belong to me. The dominant is just as much a gift to me as I am to them. So I continue on my day, trying to stay distracted from my inner thoughts and yearnings. Because right now they are unattainable until i sort out my life....... baby steps

1 month ago. Wed 14 Mar 2018 10:57:21 PM IST

As I woke this morning I felt happy but slightly empty. How can you be both happy and empty? Well not empty but lonely. Yet again I am surrounded by people and have regular contact with friends. I receive love and yet I still feel the same. How? I know how? Because a large part of me is missing. No not the person, although I miss him dearly. I am not that much of a sap. It is the submission I miss. The giving. Not sexually but mentally and emotionally. The feeling of belonging completely to someone who cherishes my gift. So it leaves me feeling lost and a little lonely. Drifting through my day without a purpose. Yes I have other important things to do but they do not satisfy my need.

This is not an invitation for people to try and own me. Because that is not going to happen. I don't need you to satisfy my sexual needs. I have that already. It is more the realization of what submission means to me. It is more than my kinky thoughts. It is the feelings deep inside that becomes satisfied by giving all of myself to someone. And belonging. Finding that safe place. Feeling the strength of another both mentally, emotionally and yes eventually physically. For them to see and discover who I really am and help to pull me out of myself. Because in RL I hide who I am and it is exhausting but necessary.

I desire to find how much I can give (because I have an idea). To find my person to whom I belong and in return they belong to me. The dominant is just as much a gift to me as I am to them. So I continue on my day, trying to stay distracted from my inner thoughts and yearnings. Because right now they are unattainable until i sort out my life....... baby steps

1 month ago. Sun 11 Mar 2018 12:52:29 AM IST

So last night I popped my Munch and Play Party bubble in one fowl swoop. I attended an all female munch at a Master's private dungeon which he hires out and has his own private parties in weekly.
The event was an hours drive away but I chose this one because it felt right. It was all females, private, had demos and the timing suited me. So i had no excuse. I started this year with the intention of experiencing and learning as much as i could. To not hide behind my computer screen and actually get a chance to feel and submit in person.

The event was organized by a Domme who was friends with the Master and she set a dress code standard of best kink wear, lingerie or nude. So I worked out my outfit of a corset, short skirt and stay up stockings.
I should have been nervous but as I did my make up and my hair i was just excited. My nerves didn't kick in until I pulled into the car park in an industrial estate and spotted a lady in full leather entering the only lit up door in the area. I breathed a sigh of relief that I was actually in the right place lol. I was more worried about rocking up to the wrong place all dressed up.
I was greated with a warm smile by a lady in her 50's sitting at the front desk in a mans business shirt fully unbuttoned to show her breasts, short leather skirt and fishnets. My hand was shakey as i paid for my entry. Another lady dressed in red bra and panties with a fishnet dress on (who i learned later was the slave of the Mistress holding the event) took me by the arm and gave me the tour of the dungeon.
It was set elegantly in an industrial building with the Masters quarters upstairs. There was a medical play area, high impact area, wax play area, lounge area for chatting, four poster bed, outdoor smoking area and a kitchen/bar. It was low lit and intimate and it completely relaxed me when I walked in. The glass of champaign they gave me helped as well.
The ladies were all lovely and there was quiet a few of us novices there. The Domme of Honor (who did the demo) gave a talk on safety and consent with a Q&A session at the end). It was not a formal event it was relaxed were we could all converse freely and ask questions.
Then the needle play demo began. Needle play is not my thing but I was interested to watch. It was great to see the attention she was giving the submissive as she places large peacock feathers to her behind. The end product was a beautiful tailed ass that when she laughed or flexed her butt the feathers fluttered.
Once she was taken care of the more experienced ladies stripped of the little clothing they wore and started to play. I observed a lady in the stocks being whipped, and made to cum with a multitude of toys.
I also had the opportunity to experience my first flogging. The Domme that approached by myself and another sub that I had previously been talking with asked if we wanted to try. She was perfect for my first experience. She started gently with a leather soft paddle that also had a fluffy side. She then moved through 2 sets of velvet floggers and 1 heavier flogger for me to experience the difference. And surprise surprise I loved the heavier one across my shoulders. While fixed to the cross I felt i was completely relaxed and in tuned to her rythm. Stopping constantly to check on me, show me the next tool and feel it sensually on my skin. Finishing with a paddling with a harder round paddle. My back and butt nicely pink but only slightly warm. Giving me the perfect first experience.

After we had cups of tea and all huddled in the lounge area laughing and talking, some having after care and me personally finding my nice comfortable spot on the floor.
I'm so happy i went and chose this as my first experience. I felt so comfortable with the people and not pushed to try anything. The ladies had appreciation for all of us and it was lovely. And oh yes the Master did sneak in and say hello when he was supposed to be gone lol

1 month ago. Thu 08 Mar 2018 11:35:13 AM IST

I guess that it shouldn't be surprising that on such a busy day, when i have time to myself, my mind kicks in and sad thoughts seep through. But i also relish these times. I almost like missing him because it still means in some strange way i am connected. And I sit and wonder if he misses me too. If he is aching like I am. Or if I am not even given the pleasure of being a fleeting thought. Cause I think of him when I wake, when I dress, when I make my tea the way he likes, when I hear the birds, when I think of something that I instantly want to share but can't. So today I have had a good day. But now in the silence I can not silence my mind.

So I turn to my medicine. To making my body hurt in a good way to try push out the bad. Lift more, run faster, push harder and as my weight plates say do it Again Faster. To turn my rough emotional seas to a calming ocean.

There is nothing to regret, there is no hate. I wanted a chance to be lead and to grow and that is exactly what happened. Growth is not always easy. Actually usually it is uncomfortable, almost painful but for this i thank you. I miss you like crazy but i thank you.