Understanding what drives me right now is difficult. I know where I want to be and it is a long path to get there. But knowing what day to day drives me is hard. Ive been challenged quite a bit the last few weeks. Hence why I have been quiet here and had to stop my rope challenge.
My challenges has left me feeling a bit drained and slightly disheartened. To be not doing as well as what I thought I was. Anyone who knows me, knows how hard I can be on myself. I over analyse and question my abilities. It is something that I have been working on changing within myself. To trust myself more, have more confidence in my abilities and stay true to what I desire. But what if that becomes blurred through having to deal with constant challenges??? I generally welcome opportunity for growth but right now I feel a bit tired. Like i need a break from it. I dont understand what it is Im ment to be learning through these phases and it just leaves me feeling horrible.
Ive been trying to relate my submissive side and needs to my daily life. To my work (how I can serve without expecting anything in return) to my friendships (being open and communicating) and to how I carry myself. To try to stick to a certain level of of presentation. To expand my mind through education. It has been good but now I have been tricked out of money and criticized for my work. Possibly because i opened myself up to my more feminine and submissive side, the emotions I feel now are being exaggerated. Intensified. It brings back my neediness.
However I did have a break through in regards to understanding where my co-dependancy comes from. I never understood as I have been blessed with very loving parents and a positive upbringing. It was shown to me very simply. Because I grew up with parents who didnt want to let me go. So they created that co-dependant relationship. It comes from love but cripples me at the same time. So now when I find myself feeling like I do. That Im not doing well enough. That I should be achieving and striving forward more than what I am I instantly start to feel that need for support. When I am on fire nothing can touch me. I am my own driving force. But when I have had a few knock arounds, my ego beaten, my pride bruised. It brings me crashing back to earth and I desire the warm embrace and a lap to cuddle up in. To tell me its all ok. To hold me till I dont need holding anymore. But the bed is empty, the house is quiet and its just me. I have my beautiful children but I need to be a support for them. It feels difficult to always feel like I need to be a pillar. Sometimes it would be nice to have that masculine strength and love behind me, wrapped around me, like a safe cocoon.
I dont want someone to necessarily tell me what to do. Just to have that support. To know I dont need to explain myself. To hear the voice that resonates with my soul. To calm me and keep me centred. To remember who I am, where I am placed and where I belong. To be exposed and comforted at the same time. And have trust in their hands and words alike........