Silent Observations

Just my random thoughts as I try to learn and grow
8 hours ago. Tue 16 Oct 2018 06:45:32 AM IDT

The words of this song speak to me today so I thought I'd share xxx

 

Florence and the Machine 

🎶 All this and Heaven too 

********

And the heart is hard to translate
It has a language of it's own
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs 
And prayers and proclamations in the grand days 
Of great men and the smallest of gestures
In short shallow gasps

But with all my education
I can't seem to commend it
And the words are all escaping me
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how, I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

And it talks to me in tiptoes
And sings to me inside
It cries out in the darkest night
And breaks in the morning light

But with all my education
I can't seem to commend it
And the words are all escaping
And coming back all damaged
And I would put them back in poetry
If I only knew how I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

And I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
That I could just understand 
The meaning of the word you see
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever
But it never makes sense to me at all

No, words are a language
It doesn't deserve such treatment
And all my stumbling phrases
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling
All this heaven never could describe 
Such a feeling as I'm healing, words were never so useful
So I was screaming out a language 
That I never knew existed before

 

1 day ago. Mon 15 Oct 2018 02:38:31 PM IDT


"Im not myself lately
Im foolish, I don't do this
Ive been playing myself"

It appears that my inner bitch likes to play mental games with me. To set up traps. To make me doubt myself.

Its not easy being a heartfelt person. Feeling everything constantly is tiring. Wanting to be wanted will drive me insane. I dont really know why I do these things. And the worst part is I can see myself doing it. I beg me to stop but I keep going.
I need to take a breath.
I need to step back.
I want to hand that control back.
I'm willing to.
I'm begging to.
Screaming from the inside.
Drowning in myself.
I tasted it before and I want it again. But more. To touch and feel.

For now I need to accept my reality, and reject the fantasy. I need to stop dreaming and clinging on to something that might not be. Stop falling for the story tales in my mind. The ones that SHE sets. As she sits there smirking at me. Watching me trip over myself. I want her out of my head. She is only ever trouble....... My bitch......My sweet pretty little bitch.

3 days ago. Sat 13 Oct 2018 08:41:32 AM IDT

I wonder what the crook of yr neck smells like. To bury my face there while you hold me in yr strong embrace. Encircling me. Protecting me. Bringing me back home again.

To feel the touch of yr skin on mine. The transfer of emotions and desire through touch alone. Goosebumps. Sweat. Heat. Gentle. Firm. Rough hands on my soft skin. Exploring every inch of you with my hands, eyes, lips and tongue. Learning you. Watching you for my cues.

Seeping my way in underneath your skin. I can't contain myself wanting to know more of you, feel more of you. The more you give me the more I want like an addict you are my drug. To know your thoughts and desires. To give you all of mine. To let go of myself and be freed by yr trust, love and control. Send me to that place that is so silent, so peaceful, utter bliss. Make my body tingle and shake till it can take no more, then ask for one more with that devilish grin.

Your eyes controlling me, your hands guiding me, your voice making me drip with desire. Consume my mind so that you may control my body. Make me wet just thinking of what you did to me the night before. Make me squirm with a look. A smile. A whisper.

Make my mind calm, my body tingle, my insides burn, my heart overflow...... make me yours. My Sir, My Master, My Lover. Give me the comfort of your ownership and the warmth of your guiding hand. Give me your all

3 days ago. Fri 12 Oct 2018 04:41:43 PM IDT

I was listening to some songs tonight and one struck a chord with me. I sit here often wondering why my past relationships failed. There are many elements and it definitely takes two....

Before I get to that though a little background information might help. I met him when I was 18. I was never someone who fell for normal guys and finding my love of bdsm opened up my eyes as to why (that's another story). But he was different. For a young guy he was calmly confident and strong in stature. Respectful and protective (still is). He was only my second ever boyfriend and my first love. We courted long distance (9 hour drive) for 4 years..... yep that long. Before he moved here to be with me. A lot of fun, a house, 2 beautiful kids and 17.5yrs later we failed.... For a long time I thought I failed because I was the one who left. He was my best friend and all I ever knew. I had moved from living with my parents to being with him. Yet still we never married.

During this time if I wanted to spend time with him I had to tag along and do what he wanted. And I gladly did so because I wanted to and I was smitten. This concept gradually filter through our relationship that I would do almost all things that he wanted and forget my own dreams. If I did mention dreams or aspirations they were met with a cheerful discouragement (as in "You would be awesome at that, but when would you have time or how would you afford that") placing doubt in my abilities and making me throw away a lot of dreams because it felt like it was too big of a hurdle. I loved him completely. With all of my soul. I would have done anything for him. But I didn't get that in return. When I said I was leaving he said he wanted to marry me. Like throwing that in my face would make me stay.

The lyrics I heard were along the lines of if you love someone you make time for them...... I did that he didn't. I accepted his years of drinking in the shed while I was upstairs in solitude. Or that I would have to go to parties and dinner with my friends by myself because he didn't ant to come. We had seperate lives in our relationship even though i always invited him and tried to include him.

I realise now that he gradually (and unintentionally) broke my spirit. He used up all the love I had and then wanted more. Its not that he didn't love me. He claims he still wants me back and cares greatly for me. Wants to try and be my dominant. But that trust is broken. And now we are both doing things we intended to do for the past 10 years. Almost like we were holding eachother back.

Dont get me wrong I still care for him. He can be the most warmest and caring person. But I cant go back to that place. The passive aggressive behavour was soooo damaging. And I had grown so intuned to it that even the most simplest remarks had me upset.

For a while I wondered why it all fell apart. Because from the outside world we appeared perfect. He appears perfect. But the truth is he never let me in. Even after all those years I was still meeting friends of his and had places he had never taken me. But they were never important. I was never important enough. That is not my fault and its not for lack of trying.

I made a promise to myself tonight to not reenter a relationship where I give my all and get pennies in return. He should let me in. I want to see every part of him like I will bare myself also. Because I am important and I do matter...... we all do. Words are beautiful and I fall in love with them, but actions cement them into place. Without action words are only stories. Empty promises.

So if you have someone special please show them. And I dont mean in gifts. I mean in your time. Open up yr mind to them and let them in. Share your world with no restrictions......

1 week ago. Tue 09 Oct 2018 01:13:47 PM IDT

It has been an emotional week for me this week. I have had some reality checks, been kicked in the guts and questioned myself....... a lot. I have had some positive notes but tonight I got what I needed.

The love and laughter from my children I've missed. It seems like forever since they were last with me. My week has felt like a month. We spent the first hour just wrestling, tickling, cuddling and covering their soft faces in kisses. Its amazing how they help me. I had felt quite lost. Like I had made the wrong choice. Lonely and life felt unpredictable. And then I saw them. Felt their little arms around my neck and laughter filled my heart. I love these little creatures I've created. They love unconditionally. And that is exactly what I needed. Now as I watch them sleeping I realize how lucky I am.


Yes I crave to find that special man to hold me tight and love me so. But I will not sacrifice for that. I have my angels and my dominant will find me eventually. I'll just leave the porch light on

1 week ago. Mon 08 Oct 2018 02:54:10 PM IDT

Listening to him speak of one of his other girls, I can hear the joy and love in his voice. He has clear affection for her, as he should. She has been the one with him the longest. They share the deeper connection, closer in age and in vicinity. And she is lovely I can not deny. Inside and out just stunning. 

His happiness makes me happy. But his admiration makes me feel alone. Not because he neglects me. But more because I want to be looked at that way. I desire for someone to want me the way he does her. That it is a battle to stay apart. He is very good at splitting his attention but I desire more. I want someone I can open up with completely. Mentally, emotionally and physically.

I want the passion.

I want the comfort.

I desire that feeling of being owned.

Yet I find it difficult to find the right person. They all seem so bland and I know I'm not everyones cup of tea.

My desires for ownership actually make me quite antisocial. The opposite of what I should probably be doing.

I dont want someone normal or average.

I want to feel that pull and to know they feel it too.

Too often I feel half the story is made up in my mind. I fall for the Scenario. For the what if's. But they are just that.......Stories... so i close my eyes as escape to my dreams.... one day I know I will get there

1 week ago. Sat 06 Oct 2018 11:37:07 PM IDT

Why do I use other people to make me happy?

I seem to do this constantly. I crave attention, whether it be from talking with my friends or a potential dom. I seem to use them to build myself back up again. Instead of actually working on myself.

I use someone in particular to make me feel good. He laughs at me and says he doesn't mind. That it is a mutual agreement. Using him to make myself feel sexy and appealing, which is not very fair.

I want to talk but I dont.
I want feel desired but not from everyone.
I dont want randoms messaging me.
Yet I want to meet knew people.

Pretty sure you could say my head is a bit all over the place right now...... just when I thought I was good........ introverted me is taking over and burying me under soft blankets to keep me safe.

 

And the truth is..... I may not be who I thought I was. Or maybe a more accurate description is who They thought I am. I'm never great at letting people down so I'd rather put on my noise canceling headphones, and keep to myself. Just while I sort out who I am..... first thing in the list....... run. Run till it hurts.

1 week ago. Sat 06 Oct 2018 01:38:09 PM IDT

I can feel it tightening my throat. I dont know why it's there or what triggers it off. I try to swollow it down and keep myself busy. Waiting for that crushing feeling to finally catch me.

So I spent the afternoon doing some self tying followed by some grooming and body maintenance, then wearing nothing but my thigh high stockings and leather garter around the house while I ate my dinner and did little things.

Doing these little things help me. Maybe I should try and address what is eating me inside. But I'm not ready for that. I don't want to open up that horrible box of emotions. The guilt. The emptiness. The feeling of.... oh fuck... is about the only way I can describe it.

I know I am not that complicated and I know what I must do to pull myself out. But I just keep swimming in the shallows of my own contempt.

So away go the leathers and the rope for another night. They have fulfilled their purpose. Grab my big soft blanket. Wrap it around my naked form and snuggle with a book and my cuddle pillow till I fall asleep and hope I feel better tomorrow.

2 weeks ago. Tue 02 Oct 2018 06:10:08 AM IDT

I hear regularly people talking of their submission as being exposed and difficult. A struggle even. They feel something is wrong with them because of xyz.....

Now dont get me wrong I understand this and feel this way sometimes too. But it got me thinking if our mindsets are slightly skewed. When I think about what I want, it doesn't scare me. Although the journey is hard I am striving for something beautiful and I hope and plan to get there. Because we make our own reality. And that in part is my point.

By placing expectations upon ourselves as to "who we should be" is kind of dangerous. Nobody can live up to an ideal. I feel that my submission to someone yes will be difficult but also it will not be forced. When we have taken time to build that friendship that then leads to more I will be bursting at the seems to be called his. It is not about changing who I am. Yes I definitely would have evolved and I will continue to. But opening up to somebody is to me actually a beautiful thing and not something to be feared. Obviously I am gaurded to those who have to earn to see that side. If they do not earn it then it does not feel natural and THAT is how i know we are suited or not. Not from a checklist of do our kinks align? Am i the right look/size for him.

There should be that pull.
That need.
That unrelenting desire.

That only comes from communication, time with eachother (without kink and play) but actually learning about the person in front of me. He should be just as open as me. If he's not that is a major red flag.

I accept that this process might take me years and years. But i will not drop my standards. I will not do something for the sake of gaining experience if it makes me uncomfortable or doesn't feel right. My journey as a submissive is yes about opening up but its also about love and care of myself. Accepting myself. Because if i dont then how can i expect them to?

Im totally sure that i went off point here and i will probably try again another day lol. Spend your time reading and exploring safely my friends. Trust your gutt and dont change your standards for anyone.

Much love
Star

2 weeks ago. Mon 01 Oct 2018 08:22:08 AM IDT

Some things I have learnt this week.

1. A little effort should not be difficult. This one comes from a dom who has been talking to me on another website. Once I told him my location (45 mins drive away) he informed me he would not be traveling past (town approx half way between us) and that if I wanted to meet up for a drink I would have to come to him..... 2 days later sees photos of me and tries to organise a catch up..... um how does get stuffed sound.

2. People ask me to be open but in reality they are the ones judging me. I was open and honest. They just didn't like what they found. That is not my problem. We are all different. Moving on.

3. I love being bondage. Plain and simple. This is not a new thing but more that it was explored a little more this week

4. Old flames might have dwindled but the care for eachother has not. Spending some quality time with someone who used to mean the world to me can actually be quite healing. To speak with someone with whome i dont have to explain things but simply accepts me and offers support. Learning to accept that for what it is, is a new thing for me.

5. Being thankful for what I have and the people around me. This is always a good thing to remember

6. Have a little fun. My sons new game is to play Gandmas Undies. You ask eachother questions to which the answer is always Grandma's undies lol. (Eg what did you have for breakfast). If you make the other person smile they loose..... give it a try its fun.

 

7. I am capable of love again. It just takes the right person. And I am in no hurry.  But knowing that hey its actually not me. Im not broken. There is just a lot of idiots out there.

 

Much thoughtful love

Star