Love this song
Love this song
My selfishness comes back to bite me. To suck on my blood and drain me. It tells me i deserve this, that im here because of me. How dare you beleive you are more than this. Making me weak. But what my vampire does not see, is the strength that it gives me. Each time i lay almost lifeless my hope grows stronger still.
She is kind to me. She holds me tight while i come undone. Then when i think of giving up she whispers in my ear. Picks up my insecurities and hugs them tight. Giving them her warmth. And lay them on me like a blanket.
My vampire sees only what he wants. Thinks he's winning with every poke and prod. I lay there quietly with tears on my cheeks. Till he's finished playing with me.
Im safe snuggled under my blanket. You can not reach me. But i might need a moment to sleep. To recharge. To rest my heavy head and aching heart. But when i rise it will be bright. I will make my hope proud.
Now firstly I don't normally play with people. Either online or irl. It takes a select few who i trust to do so. BUT it got me thinking about the importance of rollplay.
Play opens up the conversation to learn what things might be like if you were to continue. Now i have had many who have not played with me but when we got to those conversations of what was expected i found we were not a match.
Play helps me see how they would treat me, how they get turned on and what they like. It helps me judge force, aftercare, similarities in desires and so on.
I will always always always be gaurded in this manner. Its just who i am. Last night i was talking with a friend i have known casually for a little while, and we had a very nice and unexpected play. To say he surprised me is an understatement. Also knowing my boundaries he continuously asked if i was ok, if he had overstepped and if we should stop. I had been feeling a little low due to other things and maybe he caught me at a weak moment. Regardless he made me feel good. And i guess that was the point. Feeling good about myself.
So now i feel i will add possible online rollplay to a potential partner. I was surprised at his own self improvement he does through research, how caring, patient and dominant he could be.
For once im not jumping into a frenzy. Just accepting it for what it was. Two friends sharing something. And obviously something that i needed
A friend told me. If i wish to change my outcome then i need to change my responces.... or something along those lines.
Firstly thank you.
I have been thinking on this since you said it. I do have the same knee jerk reaction. One thing i tend to do is over analyze as ive spoken of before. Pick apart what I did and how can i do better..... but what if its not me. Granted sometimes it is, but also sometimes it isn't. Yet i still take on that ive done something wrong.
It got me thinking that constantly picking myself apart maaaaaaybe not the right thing to do lol. Like dah i know, im a bit slow sometimes.
Last year was a big year (and i can say last year cause im in my time machine as some say living down under). Ive woken with some slight adjustments in my attitude. My attitude has been a problem of late. Woken with some light.
To have fun. To do the things that i love. To love myself. I try to mold myself to someone when i meet them. Im not going to do that now. I spend so many hours waiting on others to make a decision (or just get up and get motivated) when ive been bouncing around the house for hours.
Im not ready. And this morning i accept that. I want to be free for a bit. Embrace the good things about myself. Im a hopeless romantic. I like being silly. I loooove the beach and i want to see more of my own country. I love mangoes. I love talking. And i have a stack of paintings in my head waiting to get out. Im also blessed with 2 beautiful creatures and the three of us will be my focus this year. Im still open to what comes along. But im not sitting around waiting for it. Im still going to have my down days we all do. But i will keep in the back of my mind about changing my knee jerk reactions.
You want me, come find me. Make sure you bring along some chocolate, a smile and some rope :)
Now im off to climb a mountain. Literally. Chowder monkey heads xxx
Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR
Im a strange person. I know that. I can be whacky and silly or morbid and twisted. Either way im a little weird. And i have no problem with that. I like not being like everybody else. One of my other weird quirks is im kinky but not..... I have particular kinks that i absolutely love. Like rope, bondage, leather. I also love sensation play and deprivation. Orgasm control both forced and withheld. I love toys and all sorts BUT. I dont like talking about them in a personally sexual nature. I can sit her and talk about things Ive seen at an event, or explaining the feel of a motion or action. What i dont like is describing how i like things done to me or how it makes me feel when i do A B or C. I dont like people talking to me about a scene they can picture me in or anything alone those lines. No No No No No... just no.
This can make it hard. Hard when im getting to know someone. Especially if we are starting to click and they try to engage me in a little dirty talk.... no. It turns me right off. Like a big kick in the balls (i imagine).
It also makes it a struggle in a kinky community. Now like i said i can happily talk about all sorts of things to do with kink and toys or whatever. But i guess im not wired like most or whatever.
The effect it has on me is so negative that i retract right back into my corner, and start calling names and throwing stones. And then i feel regret. I feel stupid. I feel like there is something wrong with me. But i also know i can not change me. Hence why i have accepted that i am a mix of Sapio and Demi sexual. Because i need a connection.
Now i know we all say that. But i really do. To feel any sort of sexual fuzziness in my panties region i need to have let down some seriously high walls to even contemplate feeling turned on by someones advances. Even then it could simply take for them to say one thing that im not into and we are back to square one.
Pretty convinced at this moment that i will die a sexless dried up old hippie who dreams of when i was young. I feel sorry for those who encounter this side of me. Cause i know they have no idea wtf just happened when i loose my shit. Its my defense system. Shut down and reboot. Try again.
So for anyone else out there who feels even slighly like i do you're not alone. I was never really interested in anyone when i was younger. Porn does very little. I thought i could have easily had been a nun. I can appreciate a good body, but it doesn't get me excited. Talking to someone for hours does. But only to my rules....... it will take a ridiculously patient and perceptive person to conquer this weirdo
I learnt an important lesson last night. I am way to analytical. So much so i use it as a defense. It makes me emotional and i pull myself apart. I think i have done this my entire life. If something scares me i analyze it until i either justify not doing or partaking in something, or exhaust all possibilities and remove the simple fun aspect. In a lot of cases it has kept me safe. Ive always had a level head. But sometimes i wish i was a little more care free.
Im at a point now of a crossroads. I need to stop my usual approach and lead with my heart. Otherwise i will forever be stuck in this revolving pattern. It is exhausting always thinking.
There is only so much i can learn from questions, blogs, forums and my friends.
There is only so far that i will explore at an event.
Ive always learnt better from doing rather than reading.
And there is no going back to where i was. So..... i either sit still....... or move forward.
Trying to let go a little more each day so that i may be freed completely
Im 36, a mother of 2 beautiful children, i work and support us all.
I thought having children made me a woman. Made me an adult. And kids do make you grow up fast. Not that i was immature but all of a sudden i had little people who relied on me for every simple thing. And i loved it. Now not so much lol trying to teach them to think, feel and do for themselves. But i digress.
I took a leap of faith last year. I left my partner of almost 18 years, because i realised that i was drowning there. Even though he tried to help me it just wasn't me anymore. And the thought of that scared the bejesus out of me. If i was not this person anymore who the hell was i? But i couldn't lie to not only him but myself anymore. So i left........ for the first time ever in my whole entire life i lived alone. They all said i couldn't do it. My ex, my parents. Yet here i am. Happier than i have been in years. Alone.
This time of my life was super stressful which im sure you can all appreciate or relate to. There was also other things going that added to the stress. And i lost who i was yet again. I stopped doing all the things i loved and just sat in my bubble and festered my self pitty and guilt. I was in shut down mode.
Fast forward a few months and i finally like a have more drive to pick back up my hobbies and love myself again. But i have realised something. I have never been given the chance to grow as a woman. To explore my femininity, my sexuality and to be ok with feeling desired. Ive never been ok with that. Rather sit in the crowd than be noticed. Stuck inside my shell.
Now i am being given the opportunity to do all that. Ive never had someone want me so much. And i dont mean just physically but everything. Mentally and emotionally. It brings tears to my eyes to think someone could want me so much and offer everything of themselves in return. Finally now i feel like i am becoming a woman. Well once i take that final step. Im scared shitless to take his waiting hand. Ive tried to trick myself and make excuses as to why i shouldn't go there. But everything inside of me is driving me, pushing me, wanting me to be happy and accept it. To let go. To become the woman i feel is waiting inside of me.
I worked through my guilt and i learnt its ok to want to be happy. To love myself and put myself first. It was hard and tbh im still working on it. And i did that by myself. But it is amazing to find someone who brings out sides of you who would otherwise stay locked away. Like a dirty little secret. But this secret is to be celebrated and magnified. To be continued......
Silent like the night. My Darkness takes hold. He wraps me up in confidence and desire. Like water, the Darkness finds its way in through the smallest of cracks. Getting through the walls.
Seeking my light.
Im not scared of the Dark. It holds no monsters waiting to terrify me. Rather it is calming and serene. It covers all flaws until you are left with just you. To shine bright and true, impossible without the Dark.
Your voice reaches me in my lonely moments. If I feel insecure, like i want to run, searching for or an escape route. You tell me you beleive it is my desire, my need, my happiness.... and then you wait. You wait for me to analyze and process. You don't beg or demand that i stay. Like always you tell me it is my choice. Sitting silently, letting me work out my road blocks. Answering questions when asked.
Night is becoming my friend. It is all consuming. Watching where i place my next step so that i do not stumble and fall.