Silent Observations

Mirrors are all around us. Reflecting back our pain, our love and who we beleive we are. Sometimes the reflections are true, sometimes its the trick the mirror plays. 

Today I had the pleasure of meeting 2 lovely ladies who randomly joined me on a bushwalk. Over bonding over coffee both woman looked at me saying how strong and courageous I am in regards to the choices I have made in my past. Both these woman are easily 20 years older than me (possibly closer to 30) and I was surprised to find them struggling with some of the same issues from my past. 

Pain has no age. It doesnt discriminate.

I also dont see my choices as anything courageous. Just simply putting my priorities in order.  But then I realised, for some people (and I really did used to be one of them) simply making the choice is difficult. If stepping off the merry go round was easy everyone would do it. 

Im so used to the feeling of taking on new things and challenges that I dont give it much thought unless its truely something that scares me. 

As I sit in the sunshine, sipping my peppermint tea, talking with new friends, I truely felt blessed. I also realised THIS was my purpose for today. These ladies (one in particular) needed a gentle ear. She had so many questions which I was happy to listen and answer when I could. Woman need woman, support networks and community. Unfortunately that is not always the way that we treat eachother but it is whats needed. To help heal the wounds that we carry. To see our own personal magic and to learn to blossom again. 

Todays reflection was looking back at how far I have come and the growth that I have acheived. To see a glimpse of yourself through a strangers eyes. Appreciation and gratitude for those hard times. They were painful, difficult and sometimes I thought I would never find my way out of the caverns my mind can dig. But now upon reflection I wouldn't change them. I needed them to be where I am now. My list of things to work through is continuous, however knowing where I have been and what I have done I can great these challenges with confidence. 

With your guidance I step into my light, simultaneously becoming your strength and support. Allowing personal growth, encircled in respect and growing the depths of connection. Not through control of restriction, but by freedom of encouragement. Provoking independence and supporting growth of eachother externally and as a single entity. Building trust and empowerment.

While you protect me from the cold with your strength and warmth. I will hold your heart sacrid, protected and true. 

Entangled through mind, body and spirit. Protection, love, surender and ultimate fulfilment. No secrets, no masks. Just a commitment to being our true selves. Messy, emotion, loving, honest, human selves.

As a promise to my heart, I will accept nothing less. 

As a promise to he who has that heart, I will provide this and more.

As a society we always talk about how lacking our lives are, how its so hard to find someone to accept about us. That we want to be seen, cared for and loved. But everyone we come across seems to fall short. 

We should also be talking about what we can give. What we have to offer. And being genuine and true, not just listing what we feel they want to hear. To find out who you truely are, what are your strengths, capabilities and what drives you. What are your ambitions and dreams. How can you relate that back to your partner (or future relationship). How can you support, inspire and provide that safe space for them. Learning to accept ourselves for who we are. Human. Perfectly imperfect just the way we are. 

What are your kinks, what's on your curiosity list, what's something that triggers you. Take the time to revisit your lists. Try new things when its safe to. Our tastes change with new experiences. Also knowing your kinks when talking with a prospective partner is for me a foundation. If I really like someone's company but they are a sadist and Im not a masochist, then chances are that although mentally we might be well suited, physically we will both be left unfulfilled. 

Are you able to be vulnerable, open hearted and honest. Not just as a submissive but also as a Dominant (and everything in between). This obviously comes with time and trust. But for me there is nothing more attractive than being with a strong man who feels safe enough to be vulnerable with me. Cementing that union even further. 

Service for me is a joy. Yet I am a rather independent person. Both are my nature and both have their place. Keeping that balance is part of knowing myself. Knowing my boundaries and communicating them. 

Rather than focusing on what we are wanting or lacking in a partner, look at what you can give and contribute. Change your perspective and consider how it looks from their side. Focus on lifting the people around you up instead of pulling them down. We are all different and that is part of what makes us beautifully complex. Only once you find the beauty in things, will the opportunities come your way. 

♾❤⭐

Today Im filled with love and feel settled. Its an unusual feeling. 

I feel like I belong to you. It makes me feel at peace. The place where my fears become my strengths, my soul is understood and my mind is at ease. Home...... Not only in your arms but in your heart. I've belonged to you since the beginning....... I just havent found you yet. 

Im still becoming the person Im supposed to be so that you can truely see me. With every day I get a little closer. Get a little stronger. Let go of a little more and see more clearly. 

When you get closer to me I will recognize you. Like seeing a long lost friend. For now I must be patient but I am excited to be feeling more connected to myself. 

What a blissful Sunday afternoon I had. Wrapped in tight ropes that were placed there by someone other than myself. It has been around 9 months since I stopped bottoming for my old rigger. Distance and busy schedules ment that it wasnt viable for me anymore. For the past few months I have been wanting to find a new rigger closer to me and I think I have finally found one. My body not used to the push and pull and flexibility, I have some work ahead to keep myself limber and strong. 

I have been out of balance and placing too much stress upon myself. Listing all the things i need to get accomplished instead of looking at how far I have come. Falling victim to the routine and the "should do's" and kicking myself when I was unable to reach the high bar I had set myself. Not caring for myself as I should be. But instead placing priority on activity rather than mental wellbeing. My heart broken feeling from last week was because I had not been listening to myself. I had broken my own heart by drowning it in idealism instead of listening.

Giving in to the rope this weekend was exactly what I needed. You cant fight against it, you can only embrace it. Im normally a level headed person and don't tend to fall into subspace with rope unless it's special or mixed with other stimulus. With having just short of a year off I experienced hot flushes, light headedness and calmness. My rigger was great. He communicated, instructed, adapted and made me feel safe. Fed me water, massaged my limbs and gave me cuddles. By the time I got home my glow began. Almost instantly. Like my mind was waiting for me to be safe (not driving) to allow me to enter a blissful swirliness. 

I've said this before but I love a man's hands. I watched as he tied. Felt the grip he placed on my limbs and felt the transfer of warmth of his touch. A perfect mix of soft skin but strength within. There doesn't have to be romance to admire someone's abilities or qualities. Admiring eachothers qualities helps to deepen a friendship and play dynamic for a great connection. Needless to say it was a great first session with many more to come.

Reminding myself to slow down, to listen to my needs and to feed them.

♾❤⭐

Why is it so difficult to display true genuine emotions. Sadness, anger, heart felt love for those closest to you. When was the last time you told your friends you appreciate them. Telling them how much they mean to you, that it brings you to tears. 

Or the last time you opened up to someone to tell them your feeling scared, alone and vulnerable. Instead of responding saying Im ok, when you're clearly not.

Why do we instantly think that being open will mean we are not accepted. That our scars will scare the people we hold closest away. 

Maybe its from past experiences.

Maybe its of fear of being truely seen.

Either way cracking that facade hurts. I know that. It shakes you to the core. Especially when our fears of rejection DONT come true. What do we do now? It makes me wonder. When it hurts to open more but you can't stop the flood. Learning to trust the supports around you, is still something I am learning to do. Learning that I dont have to do it all, all the time. That its ok to be human. To fail. To feel. To cry. To love and to fall. To be a tornado or to be a calm sea.

Personally I find the longer periods I have between my downward spirals the stronger they seem to appear. They drag me deeper, I feel them more intensely and the recovery takes longer.

Im trying to teach myself that emotions are not negative. They are the flashing lights on my dash board telling me that a service is required. My engine is out of order and not functioning properly. But I'm still constantly and probably always, learning what tools help me run more smoothly. 

Right now I feel broken hearted and I have no idea why. My anxiety is through the roof making me want to disappear from everything known to me..... just for a while. My self expectations are high, almost so high I cant reach. I know that nothing worth getting is ever easy so I keep trying....... but maybe I need to learn to have moments of nothingness....... moments of silence and appreciation...... my mantra is "Infinite love and gratitude" but that has been a bit lost of late and replaced with rushing, compacting responsibilities and surviving..... but not living and not loving of my feminine heart. So first I must breath, then the rest will follow.....

❤⭐

This came up on my feed today. Funny how the universe shows us things when we need it. Or is it more the point of being open to what surrounds us. Either way this sentiment was what I needed to read today....... Repeatedly........ letting the concept sink in. 

I have come to accept that my life is full. There always seems to be something happening and I'm forever busy. That's not necessarily a good thing. For someone who loves routine, prefers the attention of the few rather than the many, and is content sitting silently in nature, my life is anything but those things. I have definitely become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Mostly because the things that fill up the majority of my times are aimed towards my passion or fueling and supporting that purpose. With all of this business it has quieten my mind. I dont have time for things that do not fulfill me in some form. I know that might sound selfish but it's actually quite liberating. Not concerning myself with external expectations or perceptions of me. 

Sometimes though I truely wonder how another person will fit into this life Im creating. Staying busy keeps me happy but is also my weakness and vulnerability. Im aware that it is possibly a force field I use to keep people at bay. Even though my life is full my heart is not. My magical invisibility cloak that lets me go unnoticed just the way I like it. 

I am finding though my focus is lacking and i have a mindset that keeps saying "just keep going a little while longer". Sometimes I wish to stop but I cant. Then I'd just be stuck in the mud in the middle and that is not where I wish to be either. Doing things you dont want to do, to get to the place you want to be is a humbling and difficult path. I guess you could say its character building? Perseverance... even when the passion is low. 

My goodness my Ego has taken a fair few hits over the past few weeks, and its left me feeling quite discouraged and zapped my energy.

Trying to stay positive and being grateful at times of adversity is not easy. I already consider myself to be a humble person but these hits keep bringing me back to earth. Trying to turn the negatives into more learning situations but it still leaves me feeling drained. 

So I feel it's important for me to get back into a routine. I seem to do well with my self love in the times when im down but forget to carry them through when Im feeling good. To be consistent. 

It's also becoming very apparent that I need to work on setting healthy loving boundaries for myself. To have enough self confidence to speak my mind and stand up for myself. To see my own self worth and value. Currently that is difficult for me to see, when I feel like I'm doing lots of things wrong.

So I need to take some time and step back. Breath and reset. My unsettledness is spilling over to things that I am normally ok with. Looking for external validation. I know my strengths but they seem to be hiding at the moment. So to me that says that im overwhelmed. That I need to replenish and recharge.