The inner dialogues of a wallflower

It's been a while since I've been here. Sometimes I forget that I have this blog and sometimes I just don't to post on it as regularly as I would like. It's more often than not the former. As for what I came here to write today it's more of just trying to find some answers I need through this. It's untitled for now since I can't think of a title.

So recently I've been going through quite a lot, when people ask me how I'm doing I don't know how to answer. It's such a loaded question or when they ask what's happened the better question what hasn't happened. In this time I've went through some self reflection as why I feel the way I do sometimes. Part of that has to do with me being a submissive an accepting that fact.

Now, I don't know about other submissive people an I guess more specifically submissive males so I can only speak for myself. For me though submission is more than just ropes, spanking, etc. As great as those things are it goes beyond that. It allows me to experience a brief moment of relief from the things I deal with. In my life I have to be strong for so many people an make difficult decisions an do things that I'm not prepared to do which can be difficult for a 22 year old.

There's no guide, no set of instructions, no video, no certification, etc that can prepare you to deal with certain things in life. So being submissive allows me let someone to do what I wish someone would do in my regular life at times. Just take control, make the decisions, lead the way so I can follow. Instead of it being the other way around. It gives me the catharsis that I need.

However, on the other hand for some reason I have trouble coming terms with being submissive or at the very least I have issues discussing it in a way that the person who I'm talking to knows that I'm being genuine. That being submissive is part of who I am.... Even now it makes my anxiety sky rocket even though as far as I know this is the place to openly discuss that type of thing.

For example, the other day, I was hanging out with some friend's an depending on the dynamic jokes are a constant thing. So we're joking around an one of them makes a joke about being submissive or finding a dominatrix or something like that. Then I don't remember what I said but I interjected with a quip about me being submissive, or in that context I should say "submissive". We all laughed about it but afterwards I felt, I don't know, self conscious. As if I shouldn't like being submissive or that the things kinks/fetishes I have I shouldn't like.

Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship where my s/o encouraged that type of thing or I haven't sought out a professional dominatrix mainly due to lack of finances so I can experience that type of subspace, maybe it's because being submissive especially if you're a male is so taboo or what it is but I'm having trouble being confident in this being part of who I am. I definitely would like to change that.

Hopefully, posting about this here will make it easier to be more confident and open about being submissive. Even though this isn't necessarily something that is intended for someone to read or posted specifically for the purposes of seeking advice. If submissives regardless of what gender/sex you are out there do have some advice it would be appreciated. Advice from dominate females cis, trans, or any other terms would be appreciated as well. I genuinely want to grow in this area because the more confident I am in myself I feel the happier I'll be or at least the happier I'll slowly but surely become.

Anyways, that's all for today. I hope to post on here again sooner rather later but with how my schedule is and how my life goes who knows when I'll post another entry again. Not that this is intended for any one specific just speaking in conversation helps get my thoughts out of my head. 

Cheers.

So here we go first post. I don't know what this blog is gonna be about. It's gonna contain a lot of my thoughts and views which is weird considering the site this blog is on. Of course, I will include my thoughts as a submissive and include submissive stuff in general as I continue to learn more an expand my horizons in that department. However, I feel this blog must go beyond that. I'm a submissive but I'm also human.

So something I don't understand is how people and the world needs to see things in black and white, boxes, categories, labels, etc. Obviously, I'm speaking generally not everyone sees the world this way but in my experience people more often than not view the world like this. People seem to think that people are simple and that the world isn't as complex as it actual is. They, for the lack of a better term, want to put other people in a box store it away an not think any further on it. When in reality that person is much more than that box that they were put in.

For example, I'm a straight white male but I'm interested in trans-women meaning male to female. Not in a creepy way or that I'm a "chaser" but in the way where I see them as an a potential relationship partner. Same thing as a cis-woman. If I meet a woman who I'm interested in an she happens to be trans then that's fine. It doesn't matter if she is pre-op, post-op, or non-op. What matters is who she is as a person. Same thing goes for cis-women if I find a woman that I'm interested in an she is a cis-woman then that's fine too. However, the world or society or whatever doesn't seem to think that idea is okay. That those ideals can't exist at the same time in one person. The view point is if you're interested in trans-women and you're a guy then you're gay. First off, it's 2020 there's nothing wrong with being gay in the first place but the reality is that's not the truth. The truth is way more complex than that. The truth is that you view both cis-women and trans-women as equal options for a partner. You're open to both of them an you're okay with whichever way it works out.

Or another example. I'm a metal head. I love metal music, metal events, metal culture, etc. People view metal heads as violent, angry, church burning, devil worshipers. While that may be true in some situations it's not the reality. The reality is most metal heads are the coolest people I've ever met. They're some of the most chill, caring, and understanding people out there. Most of them are also against violence of any kind towards any body as well. Myself I'm a very shy, quiet, sensitive, and feelings driven guy. The complete opposite of the stereotype. Hell, even me being submissive as a guy goes against what people view a "man" as but that's a whole separate blog post

I don't understand how people can put others in boxes or categories so easily. The world is a very complex, deep place. There's so much more meaning to things than people know. I don't understand why it seems so obvious to me an not everyone else. Please everyone remember that the world is full of grey areas. It's not black and white an that is a wonderful thing.

P.S. I'm speaking in a very general terms in this post. It's just easier to write people or the world than explain it every time. I realize not everyone does this or views the world in such a way. It's just in my experience they do.

Anyways. Cheers, have a great one!