Attraction is a simple concept on a macro scale: individuals with qualities and genetics favorable to the continued survival of ones species are more favorable mates. Fostering a new tribe isn’t easy. In a world where everything in sight can, will, and is actively trying to kill you, your only hope is an offspring that surpasses even your prime. One simple word, all that matters: survival. Live.
Then we learned to communicate with one another. And we heard the clock ticking. Now we could not be satisfied by the instinct to simply keep our species on the planet. Survival was law. Is law. But we could not just live. We needed to live on.
On a micro scale things get complicated for attraction. Suddenly, for the first time in the history of our planet, we saw each other. We shared ideas, traded knowledge, consumed the primitive communications of every gesture, a hairy finger thrust downward to the ground, extended towards a bright purple fruit bulging from the ground; and the grunts and growls of aggression, signaling danger, poisonous fruit. For the first time, we began to see each other in true color. We still looked the same, but we suddenly radiated energy, things we could not yet understand, let alone name. Now, love is a matter of finding an indescribable certainty of self inverse to your own. Someone who’s rough edges smooth out yours. Not a mate, but a soulmate. Your opposite particle.
“…a narcissist will worship only the shadow of his ego.”
Yes, an outing. No, not a defense, nor a martyrdom. We all have our issues. This one is mine. There are many like it. This one is mine. When I first heard of her, he said she was lost and he was trying to find her. From the beginning, oh yes I knew. She was nothing if not lost. When we met I witnessed her fire, her devotion to the clan, her burden. Our second meeting flared when there came gunshots. A possible murder near us, word flown in by a queer bird with long legs, out of breath and spurred by panic. Even sociopaths (not an outing) can’t resist the pull to be a hero. “Bloody hell,” before jumping into the fray. A quick glance to my right, chance a look at the getaway I could still opt into, but she was there. Matching my pace. Stride for stride. I watched this girl of green fire hurling herself headlong towards rock bottom. A desperate plea for insanity before God. But as we hurdled closer towards something or nothing at all, I saw smoke rising from the pit. And I knew, whatever came out would be a predator.
But I realize now too late you were only the shadow of my ego. A fantasy I chased out of the stream of presence. “What’s there?” But still you filled the space.
“Love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart.” -W.H. Auden.
Rule for self #1 “A functioning narcissist will hold a one percent amount of good minimum at all times as the deciding vote. But the balanced reality, a narcissist will worship only the shadow of his own ego.”
– J