.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
Hi everyone! It's been a while.
For those of you who remember me, I hope you have been doing well!
For those who don't know me, thank you for stopping by! 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪
I haven't been here for a while...and many things have happened since my last visit.
So I'll suppose I'll begin from the obvious point- the beginning.
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
After leaving what I could only describe as the most egregiously toxic
(And possible illegal in some areas) workplace I've ever had the misfortune of working and finding myself
in a decent work environment that actually appreciates what I do I took a look at
what I wanted in this life of mine and began working towards it. I spent more time with my friends and
family, I began working on some hobbies I always wanted to do, caught up on reading
and have generally been doing very well! 🕊
.・゜゜・ ・゜゜・．
But one the one thing that always somewhat scared me was going into the dating world again.
My last relationship ended on a poor note many years ago and some past trauma which I wrote about
in my past blogs have always made me feel embarrassed and like a freak who could never fit in.
It was always difficult to talk about and it made me somewhat distance myself from getting too close to people.
Even to this day, I get unreasonably anxious about letting people know too much about me- even my closest friends.
It is a problem, but one that is improving over time.
*+:｡.｡ 💔 ｡.｡:+*
︵‿︵‿𓆩♡𓆪‿︵‿︵
But despite all that, I met someone..
But it wasn't always ideal, it had rocky starts as my issue with letting people get close would inevitably cause.
I was afraid to let her know about my past, as I didn't want to come off as a freak.
I was afraid to let her know about my trauma, as I didn't want to feel pitied.
I was afraid to get too close to her.
And it reached a breaking point.
─── ·۵· ───
I couldn't take it anymore.
I was sitting in the breakroom at my work, on my phone just thinking about life.. and I just broke down.
This has never happened to me before, I thought I had gotten over it all, thought I no longer had to think about it.
But years of repression, years of keeping it all to myself, compressing the hurt feelings deep down where it couldn't reach me, eventually boiled over.
And I cried.
︶꒦꒷꒷꒦︶
I couldn't continue to be like this, something had to change. So I decided it's time to take a risk again.
It's time to let the person I want to be with know.... about... everything...
・・・・・・
I remember shaking, sitting in the car with her. She was wondering why I had asked her to stop, she knew it was important.
But I couldn't back down, I had to tell her otherwise I could never move on, she deserved to know.
So I told her, everything. My past in the lifestyle, the kind of things I did, the mistakes I made and the hardest part..
Telling her about the trauma that I endured,
The darkness in the pit of my soul that I kept hidden away from the world out of fear that I would get hurt again.
I held nothing back, I finally let another person know.
༻༺
At first, she was puzzled... there was a lot of deeply personal information that I gave her, she didn't know how to respond.
She would later go home for a while to think about it, I spent the rest of that day sitting and wondering if I did the right thing...
or if I just made a mess of our relationship.
I was not prepared for how she reacted when we met up the next day.
─── · ───
She turned up at my work unannounced, we sat in the car quietly and what happened next is what changed my whole life.
She hugged me...and cried....
She cried tears of sympathy and sadness.
Of everything I told her..
she was deeply upset that I had been holding all that weight for so long.. on my own.. quietly for years and years...
It was hurting her deeply inside thinking about it and she cried.
She cried for me.
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
Nobody had ever been so sympathetic, I never knew it was possible for someone to feel for me so deeply.
I knew I met someone special, someone who understood me.
And things improved.
°∘❉∘°
In the time to follow we grew ever closer, we moved in and as of a few months ago- she would become my fiancé.
───💍───
Needless to say, things turned out far differently then I would expected.
I am a very different person now then I was back then.
I am a more confident person now then I was back then.
I am a happier person now then I was back then.
My past doesn't haunt me anymore
because I can see the horizon.
And while many stresses may come in the future I know I can handle them.
Because I chose the direction of my life.
And I am happy.
❃°•°❀°•°❃
This will likely be my final post here.
Thank you for reading and both the good and bad memories that made me who I am today.
❤ May you all lead happy lives! ❤