Ive often thought of my future and my present with my eventual family in mind. Since I was 18 and learned how to think outside of myself, many times my eventual children have been a source of energy.
It has reminded me why I'm setting goals and why it's important to have a balanced discipline in my life. Just having that reminder in the back of my head telling me we are just temporary custodians of the world while we're here and to do what we can to leave something small for the ones who follow.
It has helped me face my fears because I am disgusted by a person who would rather turn their back from reality perminitly and expect others to bend to their mock world based in their inability to face something difficult.
I severely loath weekness which is quite liberating to say because it seems in these days saying you don't like something in public is scrutinized. But I have first hand seen the damage pandering and pacifying can do to a person's soul our to a group of people.
It is so important for me to not limit what the world has to offer. I want to be one of those wise old father's with stories to tell of the past I was happy to live and happy to let go. This ultimate goal for me is a difficult one coming from a low income family. Many years of hard consistent work have given me the opportunity to provide a proper life for my family current and to be but at the sacrifice of my flexibility to explore.
A deal I am almost happy to make since I have a few more wrinkles then I'd like at the age of 28. But each one of those wrinkles is a lesson learned and a mistake made. Many times in my life I've seen the eyes of those around my cast the glance as they distance themselves from me as I bumble my way through life.
I haven't really masted the art of failure but Ive become more accepting of it. Saving face and upholding appearances has never been a strong suit of mine. I've never been talented at something and pretty much everything I've ever done I've had to preforme infront of people with zero experience and outside of a learning environment. Incompetent or incapable has often been paired with my being. Which feels quite shitty.
After the depression and inatiquacy washes over and you figure that part all out you just accepted you suck and everything else does too so don't try to succeed but maybe suck less each day. Ive developed and appetite for experience since that moment. It's what I value in people and probably what feeds into my desire for an attractive older women or mature women in general which leads me to my next part.
Before that I've got to address I was married for 5 years from age 21-26. By the end I'd really damaged myself by wanting to stay in a relationship with a toxic damaged person whose baggage and trauma was dumped on me. Up until that point I was arrogant and positive so as things got worse I believed I could be what she needed to make it through her darkness. My failure was I ended up giving too much of myself and left me damaged and exposed in a way while also loosing what had made me into the person I loved being and developing some continuing flaws that I've put slot of work into fixing. But in this failure I gained wisdom.
I stayed with this person cause I belived I'd chosen someone and would have their back through everything believing they would be able to do the same for me. But I was nieve and foolish thinking finding someone capable of doing that would be based on just feeling.
I look back now knowing before we entered the relationship it was a bad idea but humbling myself because i had been so cautious and meticulous about the decisions in my life that if I continued my future would have faced something more severe. I need to start living and let go. It was a net positive experience for me and at the time of writing have gained back alot of what I'd lost with the addition of what I picked up along the way.
Getting back into my preference with women I was a fortunate young man having on two occasions women many years my senior get into relationships with me. It has forever cemented my preference in women. To the dismay of potential suiters it has given me expectations beyond my years. Dating people my age is a practice in futility. They often lack self awarness, maturity and honesty with themselves and ability with others.
Without fail I have on many occasions attracted and have been unknowingly attracted to single mothers and one of the last things I want is to be a stepfather. Why do I find myself again and again either attracted to or attracting single mothers. I've thought long and hard about this I've only been to partial solve it.
Something happens to a person when they have kids. Among other things they grow up alot inside a small window. I only have a observers perspective with many friends having families of their own. I'm assuming this maternal growth and maturity is what gets me week in the knees.
The kids themselves have never been the problem and im never opinionated on getting involved in their lives. I realise it is a package deal though and am someone who plans on having their own family it's not something a particularly what to buy in to. And truly the relationship and what the women brings to the table has never been enough to want to commit further. It doesn't help that the concept of me having to take care of another man's child is a no go for me. I know I will care for the child but can never love them as my own in circumstances where the father is still in the picture. It seems disrespectful to their relationship.
Maybe I am someone who needs that maternal like caring and love and don't want to share that attention with someone else in my life right now. Ive yet to find a childless women I'm attracted to that has the ability to care, compassion, and love me the way I need. Being in a place where we both give to one another and not just a one major benefactor relationship.
In summary;
I hate weekness
I'm almost over the scars of my ex
I don't want to be a stepfather
I'm single mom bait
There's some areas in my heart that need a certain love to heal.
I really enjoy it when you guys leave comments about what I've said so please share your opinions if there's something in the blog you have thoughts on.