My self experience

Smut warning*

I want to be undressed and moved to my knees on the bed. My back is arched allowing my face to rest on the mattress. I feel a partner's mouth make its way around me as i hang exposed to them laying upon me the sensation so familiar and so relaxing. Allowing me to grow in their mouth from the relinquishing power I am allowing them to have. Once they feel me fully priming to receive them they move their mouth up now moisturizing me. Preparing me. I am breathing with growing waves of surrender. The weight of my world responsibilities washing away only knowing the time between us now. Still Making sure to caress me using what their mouth can produce to lubricate all the acts of pleasure wielded upon my body. I am ready. They bring their pelvis to my face admiring my commitment to making part of them disappear whether it be silicone or flesh. Me still using my oral lubricant on my fingers to keep myself primed to receive them in short order. I am ready and open. Back to the sheets, my upper body rests. My partner reapplies a liberal amount of lubrication on both themselves and me before they slowly enter. Easing their way introducing me to increasing depths as their movements grow in frequency their hands run smoothly adding more relaxing sensations to the experience. The base of their pelvis reaches me and I can feel the fullness of them inside of me. Using one of my hands I prop myself up to look back at them while I use the other to stimulate myself further. Their stokes become more sensual and engaging as our eye contact prolongs. I feel the soft fluid release of my first peek asking to be spilled into my hands. My partner eases themselves out of me as I am turned over fully devoured by their mouth saliva flowing in to bring forth what is to come out of me. I arch and tighten as I feel the back of their throat and tongue. Into them, I burst as I pull myself as far into them as they allow. 

We kiss passionately. I can taste a bit of my warmth and flavor on their tongue. Me still most from recent events and growing again in anticipation. Partner feeling my anticipation in their hands as i fill their grip. Once again they prepare me to receive them. Me now on my back legs held in my hand at the edge of the bed. Again liberal amounts of lubrication applied to both of us. Am i able to take more of them and more aggressively now. Reaching forward with their hands around my throat they embrace my neck with a gentle firmness imposing themselves in a comforting way as they increase in vigor with each thrust. A tandem motion resembles its self as i move as i begin to convulse slightly around them from the combination of their passion and pleasure they have worked to hard to give to me. I am elated to give them my master in this time the reward they deserve so greatly. Using one of their hands they lubricate and begin working to extract their reward. My surrender into their gripping palm. They hold me at their will and are taking me with no wanting of me to leave. I melt and tighten my hands grasping the bad, my legs, my partner. Me feeling the pressure in my rectum forcing my partner away but their commitment to seeing me surrendered continue to push inside of me. The wave fills itself from within me and into their hand, i see myself erupt as my head presses backward and i grasp onto the moment as long as i can.

I love that a BSDM site is my own personal journal.

I am increasingly horny. I don't know what to do about it and I'm slightly concerned about it.

I haven't had sex in about 3 years maybe. Mostly cause I wanted to change the standard for intimacy I was willing to engage in. I haven't masturbated in a month and there is a growing drive inside of me. Increasingly create sexual drive grows. I am excited at the thought of many different sexual interactions. The fantasies will casually come and go throughout the day. It may be that I just haven't gone this long without any form of intimacy. Usually, I would release myself but it increasingly became more detrimental to my overall mood. I want an intimate experience to be enriching but instead, I was left feeling depleted. 

Part of what has caused my situation is I am just not what I believe is the right place to find a partner or partners. After 10 years of service, I decided to pursue my college education back home. I've claimed my own room in the family house but at the age of 29, it isn't really the prime time for prospective partners. I feel obligated to focus on my education for which I worked so hard to get a chance at pursuing and my family relies on me being successful. 

I don't have time for the bar or to go through the paces of propositioning random strangers on the internet to see if they're interested in a sexual experience. The only members of the population I am most exposed to that I find interesting/elligable are the teaching staff who are potentially not worth the trouble and vise versa.

In a time of increasing individual isolation, I find myself in a trying time with a need to be met but insure or unaware of how to meet it since my past customary ways are no longer available to me.

I go to the gym. I eat well. I'm attractive. I get looks around campus but I just haven't put the time in to deal with the convoluted hoop-jumping. Because at the end I know if the effort put into the act does not equate to the satisfaction the act its self brings the experience will be tainted and I will be left feeling less than I already do. I just don't have time for failure right now. LOL, this is the beginning road of an incel LOL. 

As scary as that thought is due to how true it may be I must make the effort. I need to set some time aside to remedy my situation because if I do no one else will. Begins my gradual quest to get laid. Like a classic early 2000's college movie I embark on the failures the road has before me. Embarrassment will be something I have to get familiar with but you do not find success without a trial of failure behind you. 

So I'm at the gym rn and Ive been getting super horney lately. Like fresturating levels of horney. Probably has some part of me not having sex for two years but what ever. I have been telling myself I should love myself more and when I when I got the sensation to crazy hornyness and need to feel affectionate towards someone I just internalized it to myself and holy shit. The erection Instantly got was so nice. And I've had this pain in my side and I don't know why. That went away for a little while too. 

Has anyone else experienced this and can explain it????

It's been a while since Ive visited or posted and I feel different being here again. I felt like my kink was coming from a place of need for someone or something to heal me and I got lucky enough to gain the tools to heal myself. It is by far still a very long journey but I am in a good place being more aware of my anxiety and giving myself permission to be who I am. I use to think I needed to get another's approval to be me and now I'm building myself. It still has some work but I see a result that will have what I was missing.

You look at a person and you know if they know who they are and when I looked in the mirror I was lost but now I've found myself and I love him and he is amazing. Facing the conscious and subconscious me has been an enlightening experience. Im no longer a typically high energetic person who has to fill the silence in a moment or try and answer a question you haven't asked. I don't make eye contact with you when we speak cause I have to allow my brain to be free in my thought. I hear you and absord your words with all of me so I can meet you as you are. When I respond it is from the unadulterated me without motive or intention. All I want is to be at peace while we interact and if I can do that then I can be around you. I won't think when I'm doing something cause my actions come from a deeper place then contiousness. I feel all that I do and that is what drives me cause my body is a vessel that carries out my spirits will and if I will to be with you it is with you whole. 

My peace is your reward and with that comes more then I even know. Because love is without effort and without cause it is with the blank minds and suddle tones. With freedom while holding hands and holding eyes. That is what Ive found within myself but I am not sure if I will find myself with anyone else. I will to find someone who has found themselves as well and us be together. 

I've been spending more time in the gym paying penance to the iron got. Wheymen. My deep seated body dismorphia is just a part of me but with age I've learned to go for reasons like discipline, peace time and just spending productive time loving myself which for anyone thinking about trying it feels good. 

I realise my expectations for a partner does not equal what I'm bringing to the table in the way of physical experience and mental maturity. My personal expectations are set to really begin to venture back into relationships in about 3-4 years. In these years my focus is really on getting a little better each day and having no real focus on relationships cause I'm just not the person I want to be rn. And Im accepting a small amount of self hate because I'm capable of it. 

I kind of want to keep track of what I'm most intimately interested in through different points in my life.

-Engage in a soft submissive role with orgasm delay and bondage aka milking.

-Have a relationship with a trans women pre op but easily passes as female. Not sure why but I'm turned on by that combination like the best of both worlds. 

-Juat having a normal healthy mature relationship. 

Small side note but I'm on a 5 year role of gay black men being attracted to me and hitting on me but I think it's just cause I'm open and secure with my sexuality and It may come off as opportunity for them. Ive accepted it won't change but I have set a goal of getting hit on by hotter and hotter gay guys simply for the lolz. Never been disrespted and have only had healthy relationships with these men.

Ive often thought of my future and my present with my eventual family in mind. Since I was 18 and learned how to think outside of myself, many times my eventual children have been a source of energy.

It has reminded me why I'm setting goals and why it's important to have a balanced discipline in my life. Just having that reminder in the back of my head telling me we are just temporary custodians of the world while we're here and to do what we can to leave something small for the ones who follow. 

It has helped me face my fears because I am disgusted by a person who would rather turn their back from reality perminitly and expect others to bend to their mock world based in their inability to face something difficult. 

I severely loath weekness which is quite liberating to say because it seems in these days saying you don't like something in public is scrutinized. But I have first hand seen the damage pandering and pacifying can do to a person's soul our to a group of people.

It is so important for me to not limit what the world has to offer. I want to be one of those wise old father's with stories to tell of the past I was happy to live and happy to let go. This ultimate goal for me is a difficult one coming from a low income family. Many years of hard consistent work have given me the opportunity to provide a proper life for my family current and to be but at the sacrifice of my flexibility to explore. 

A deal I am almost happy to make since I have a few more wrinkles then I'd like at the age of 28. But each one of those wrinkles is a lesson learned and a mistake made. Many times in my life I've seen the eyes of those around my cast the glance as they distance themselves from me as I bumble my way through life. 

I haven't really masted the art of failure but Ive become more accepting of it. Saving face and upholding appearances has never been a strong suit of mine. I've never been talented at something and pretty much everything I've ever done I've had to preforme infront of people with zero experience and outside of a learning environment. Incompetent or incapable has often been paired with my being. Which feels quite shitty. 

After the depression and inatiquacy washes over and you figure that part all out you just accepted you suck and everything else does too so don't try to succeed but maybe suck less each day. Ive developed and appetite for experience since that moment. It's what I value in people and probably what feeds into my desire for an attractive older women or mature women in general which leads me to my next part.

Before that I've got to address I was married for 5 years from age 21-26. By the end I'd really damaged myself by wanting to stay in a relationship with a toxic damaged person whose baggage and trauma was dumped on me. Up until that point I was arrogant and positive so as things got worse I believed I could be what she needed to make it through her darkness. My failure was I ended up giving too much of myself and left me damaged and exposed in a way while also loosing what had made me into the person I loved being and developing some continuing flaws that I've put slot of work into fixing. But in this failure I gained wisdom.

I stayed with this person cause I belived I'd chosen someone and would have their back through everything believing they would be able to do the same for me. But I was nieve and foolish thinking finding someone capable of doing that would be based on just feeling. 

I look back now knowing before we entered the relationship it was a bad idea but humbling myself because i had been so cautious and meticulous about the decisions in my life that if I continued my future would have faced something more severe. I need to start living and let go. It was a net positive experience for me and at the time of writing have gained back alot of what I'd lost with the addition of what I picked up along the way. 

Getting back into my preference with women I was a fortunate young man having on two occasions women many years my senior get into relationships with me. It has forever cemented my preference in women. To the dismay of potential suiters it has given me expectations beyond my years. Dating people my age is a practice in futility. They often lack self awarness, maturity and honesty with themselves and ability with others.

Without fail I have on many occasions attracted and have been unknowingly attracted to single mothers and one of the last things I want is to be a stepfather. Why do I find myself again and again either attracted to or attracting single mothers. I've thought long and hard about this I've only been to partial solve it. 

Something happens to a person when they have kids. Among other things they grow up alot inside a small window. I only have a observers perspective with many friends having families of their own. I'm assuming this maternal growth and maturity is what gets me week in the knees. 

The kids themselves have never been the problem and im never opinionated on getting involved in their lives. I realise it is a package deal though and am someone who plans on having their own family it's not something a particularly what to buy in to. And truly the relationship and what the women brings to the table has never been enough to want to commit further. It doesn't help that the concept of me having to take care of another man's child is a no go for me. I know I will care for the child but can never love them as my own in circumstances where the father is still in the picture. It seems disrespectful to their relationship. 

Maybe I am someone who needs that maternal like caring and love and don't want to share that attention with someone else in my life right now. Ive yet to find a childless women I'm attracted to that has the ability to care, compassion, and love me the way I need. Being in a place where we both give to one another and not just a one major benefactor relationship. 

In summary;

I hate weekness

I'm almost over the scars of my ex

I don't want to be a stepfather

I'm single mom bait

There's some areas in my heart that need a certain love to heal. 

I really enjoy it when you guys leave comments  about what I've said so please share your opinions if there's something in the blog you have thoughts on. 

Merry Christmas to all!!!!

This platform has been a big deal for me this year and allowed me to process some deep barriers by having a place to be truthful. 

Life is a lot more centered around myself which has allowed me to recover some lost parts of me. Most of my days are just work, eat, gym and rest. I don't hang out with friends and I don't travel. 

I have a goal In my mind for the next 7 years and having something productive to really revolve around has been really healthy for me. I've still got some bad habits to break that gets me in my own way but I'm stringing together some productive ways to process them. 

Talking with a friend on my birth I learned of the term trauma response. And looking back most of my decision making and existence comes from the survival portion of my brain. I get a little cortazone each time I react to the world around me and then wonder why I'm so stressed at the end of the day. 

I can't run from the world cause I would actually just end up killing myself but I can be disciplined and retrain my brain with enough time and patience. It's lead to a healthy life of less. 

My soul still longs for that connection with a female. 

I no longer see the world plainly. 

At most times it leaves me not understanding the world because I feel like I'm existing in and understand adjacent to most. 

These patterns of thought I believe is what is needed in order to add to the diversity in the world in the hope by providing diversity there will be more sustainability. 

It at times makes me fearful and alone to (from my perspective) feeling as if I live on a peninsula attached by a small narrow stretch of land and in high tides am cut off. Leaving me on an island but not stranded but isolated. 

These tides have in the beginning brought with them despair and heart ache but now deliver peace and freedom. If a naked man walks on his island with no one around is he naked? 

My island is a spaceship that drifts in the deep cosmos crossing paths with unworldly things not familiar to eyes of the earth. There I explore what I do not understand in many forms. Some to solve, many to ponder and the few to dance with. To not know at all but the be beside is motion. 

We may one day instead of existing as continents exist as many peninsulas. Capable of connectivity and production at an efficiency and effectiveness so proper leaps and bounds will be the pace of our trajectory. To one day stumble upon a way of living that is soulful, for man is not machine. 

My expression on time is a fleeting one not permanent but I do in a way feel compelled to take a stand that may contribute to the greater good. It is often the indirect action that is the most profound one. So possibly living my answer to the purpose to life ( to just live) is the path. 

For now I study myself not for understanding but to come to terms with my existance in a way that may allow me to avoid the cliche. For I view the novel as nessessary for learning and sustainability but a bandaid solution. Patching a ship being torn by the entropy of existing will fail. Is there a way to build a newer better one while not drowning? 

I see my soul as a new born child who knows where home is but unable to walk there without assistance. It cannot speak directions and cannot point on a 2d plane to direct others. I may say it is like being a baby lost is a 4 dimensional maze at sight but the further into it you go the more lost you become for there is no end. 

The maze is filled with all of the parts needed to leave it but the unwise will want to understand the entirety of it as a means of escape. But the less of it you know the less it can blind you to the point where it will disappear and find you were standing at the end the whole time. 

Life in all of its suffering and elation is an extacy for the body. And I am an admitted user. I have been trained to preserve and care for it since I could learn. With logic a better vessel does better house its contents. I do ponder what my soul becomes next after my body is returned. 

For now I will walked naked and unseen on my island bending to the desires of my body and balancing the masochistic satisfactions it has while conducting the proper aftercare. A relationship this community is versed in lol.

I enjoy a thought outside of my own. Like chocolate for the brain. So leave something in the comments. 

Do you only fall in love once?

I've spent the last few years since my divorce (2018) being optimistic and focusing on myself. Shout out to a successful relationship with my mental health. Quest complete. 

I still have a missing part that is not a detriment but leaves me feeling like 3/4's of what I know fullfilment feels like. I walk through life with a hunger/desire deep in me and so far i feel like it's having something I've had before. 

It culminates in a simple act. When it's one in the morning and your body breaks from a dream. Your eyes still closed you roll over and throw your arm around the external manifestation of your love. They hold your heart in their existence. There is a levity in life to be able to trust someone with that. Like a shared burden of bringing you happiness is now split and by just existing they are able to uphold their half.

The security to hold your heart in your hands and feel that comfort pressed against your body is something I have now found a match for. I have enveloped myself into obsession, exercise, drinking, debauchery, meditation, enlightenment, deprivation, fasting, just pushing on all parts of me to stretch my understanding of my existence.

I still feel this missing part of me. It's like intermittently walking on an edge. One side is to abandon all expectation and close myself to feeling comfort and suppress any expectation of living with it again. The other is to continue to walk the edge and keep hope there will be a day I no longer exist as 3/4's but 1. 

I am at a road of accepting that I can live one of two lives.

One that is open to finding someone and the (what some might classify as pain) purpose for feeling this depth in my emotion is to (like a black hole) travel through it to the other side where a new truer world exists that I am suppose to exist in. That the purpose to feeling what I felt at one time is so I can set my expectations for what I should seek in life. 

The other is one where I trade a future of satisfaction by transmuting this energy into a fuel source to propel my life into oblivion. I will bond and marry my soul to the feeling of abandonment and go on to deform myself into something that can perform inhuman acts with the hope to progress the future of humanity. 

This is a beautiful existence in my eyes. I believe only great things can be achieved through in ordinary existences. Through sole devotion and disregard for current perceptions of the world can you find what is in the dark waiting to be discovered. 

Both require great courage but one will need me to evolve my soul into something that will have me walk on a road of abandon. For once there I will be unreachable. I will be cast to the universe and no standard human will be able to reach out to me. My relation to the current perceptions of my race will be gone. 

But through this there is still hope. I may once cast adrift find again my oasis. Maybe by casting my current soul another is meant to inhabit my body. My final soul. My final form. Maybe once through this I will be. 

I believe I have sufficiently convinced myself to step into the void. There is a peace in the abandonment of my current reality. To be able to have a new perception on how the world is. In this new reality I am free blissfully walking with ignorance allowing my past life to protect me without needing to be activly aware. 

Lol I feel almost like and explorer. A conqistador on the seas of conciseness. As I prepare to set sail I can feel my physical form pulling me. My primal desires are inflamed. These are the demons that will keep me company and busy. A constant war that I will only win through abstention. To interact would be to give in. To give in would be to lose. Only through surrender is victory found. 

I've cracked it. 

Why dick size matter to men? 

For the inexperienced lover you lack the ability to communicate to a partner what it is you need from them so they can make you happy. I have  rarly known person who gets more joy from giving to themselves and not giving to others. 

The women I was fortunate to keep company in my youth (me being 18,21 they 26 and 42 respectively) have me some insight as I navigated what a female partner needs on multiple levels from a relationship.  

For as much joy as they got from having sex with me they noticidly exhibited far more satisfaction from sitting down looking me in the eye and bonding with me. Honest conversation where each partner was heard and you felt reciprocated care. 

These weren't the only things they enjoyed more then sex but the guess work for me was taken out of it. They knew with their experience in relationships how to communicate with me most of the time non verbally what they enjoyed and how much. This is what I see as a master skill unlocked in women hood. 

My good behaviors were reenforced each time I did them. Not verbally but with affection that was scaled properly and dosed (like constant foreplay) well so I continued to do them. The great sex we had was a symptom of our healthy relationship like a cherry atop a well built sundae. 

Contrasted to partners that I've had who are similar age or junior to me these skills were lacking. I didn't know what she did or did not like because there was no non verbal cues directing me. But when we had sex the moaning and movements of their body like I was giving to her what she could get no where else happened my brain read these singnals clearly. I was doing something good and this is what they wanted. 

The way they communicated showed me that my BBC is the thing that they wanted so I was reenforced to think that's all they needed from me. 

This is what I believe most men experience and at a point have to relearn how to please a women. This is why so many of us think that the size of our dick is the thing that matters.

What would we be if we learned sooner how to please a partner properly and how to please ourselves?

Women young and old- I'd like to hear if this is in line with what you'd like to see in your partners and experiences you've had. 

Men- has a women ever done this for you and what was the experience like?